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- June 2021
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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu May 30, 2019 4:55 pm

Ive been getting bullied lately; I feel like Im 7 years old dealing with an adult bully; they scare me; frighten me; tare me down; I freeze up but Im angry; I act like I can stand up to them but I cant; I wont stand up for myself; Im to good for that; Im better then they are; Im royalty and royalty has someone else fight their battles; thats what privileged people do; and because Im to decent a person; I suppose I can write about it; I hate going to the cops; I feel like such a P-SSy. but I might have to; but its not worth it; Id like to fight; but Id just get beat up and laughted at and win nothing; Id loose the fight; Id be knocked on my Azz. but what good would that do; It might help my freedom but it wouldn’t; Its a police matter actually; and I don't feel like doing anything about it; if it happens again and I feel intimidated I might call them.
If I fight; I would be humiliated and walking into a trap where they tuff and Im weak; Id be letting my emotions dictate everything.
Its like Im 13 and 12 or 11 again; and getting bullied from every angle around me; thats what its like. Im scared to fight; Im not a fighter; Im not trained to fight; I don't know how to fight; Im timid and timid of people; I might be beat up; I might get hurt; Im soft and might get my ribs and guts kicked in; and I don't want to go through that; or more of that. I just want to be left alone from theses creeps.
I could run or avoid; they follow me.. Im scared...
Im not trained to fight; but I want everyone to think so; when in reality Im a p_ssy, but dont want them to know; when the bullies who are not afraid of me come up to me; Im shocked that their not afraid of me and I get scared and want to run and hide because im much more bark then bite; if standing up to them doesn’t work; Im a goner; thats all I have; I have no real force within me to fight; its all a lie and all staged; like me; Im all a lie and all staged.
I scared of being hurt and scared of feeling pain; especially the pain; thats because I have no experiences being in a fight; Ive never been in a fight but I dont want anyone to know; Ive been beat up before, or knocked down and held before or had someone lift me up against a wall trapping me; or Ive been swung on before by my step father; which means I was not wanted in that house; like all the other houses. Now; Im putting up with more of it on the streets and Im scared to defend myself.
Im scared of being beat up; I cant fight back; their to strong, 2 big; I cant fight against them; I feel faint; Im going to drop; Im scared and dont know what to do. they scare me when Im up close with them and I freeze up; they bully me. and I dont know what to do; allowing them to bully me takes care of the problem; that way I dont get beat up; and hopefully everything will go away and ill be fine. thats how it feels; I dont want to deal with bad people. but a part of me wants to fight or get rid of them; they are getting in the way of my recovery. but Im to scared to fight them; my punches are un trained and of no effect; I cant punch or hit or kick or anything; Im untrained to fight or defend myself physically with fighting; Ive never studied fighting so I dont know how to fight; while the other guy is an expert with it and they use that to intimidate me and Im scared and I want to cry and go home to my mom and get a hug where its safe; but theirs no mom or house or place to go; I want to hide. Im scared to death. I dont want to go through this anymore; I dont like the pain of this. I wish I could do something about it.
I dont stand up for myself; I dont want to; I think Im to good for this; to deal with this; let someone else deal with this; let my intelligence get me out of this; but its 2 late. I hate taking responsibility for anyone else; or being someone else's parol officer.
Anyway; Im a p_ssy when it comes to defending myself or fighting. Im no good at it; Id just get beat up real quick and humiliated and they other guy would hurt me physically and win, simply because of that.
I don't want to get pulled back down into their drama; so I have choices to make.
I have to learn how to choose my battles.
The problem is; Im not; Im not choosing anything; Im getting pulled downward.
I dont like this filth but Im to much of a coward to stand up for myself; Im all talk and no action.
Im not strong enough to stand up for myself; Im not; Im like the kid in school who got bullied by everyone and then killed himself; Im one of those; no place to hide. nothing. all my rights being taken from me. thats who I am; I dont fight back; whats the use; Im not worth it anyway; I never have been; Im no good a loser; so why bother; thats how it feels, its just one more demoralization against me I cant fight back against.
So; I have to work on better things for my life; let go of the abusers; forgive them and move on; go out at another time; not a time they are walking by; do something else. not get involved.
Im trying not to get involved and concentrate on whats important. and Im trying to be the sensitive me Im suppose to be; I am working with the universe on this; me being a coward and no good when it comes to defending anything; Im like a glass jar; I just break; anyone could beat me up with one punch; Id just stand their with no defensive skills. If a real fighter sociopath attacks; Im dead; Im knocked out and kicked in; Id crawl up into a ball and take it; and not fight back; Im a p_ssy. I would not know how to fight; or fight back; nothing. its useless; Im an artist. whats the point. I feel like Im no good to being a man; whats the point; anyone can destroy me by looking at me; thats how it feels.
So; I have to get more of this pain out; and I think I will write on this more in several other blogs; getting the pain out of being bullied..I
Im not trained to even talk up for myself with words; only from a distance can I talk tuff; not up close to someone; Im scared to death; I cowar- in fright and run off. or freeze; I freeze because of what happened to me when I was young; I go back into PTSD mode.
So; I attract the sociopaths and then they start bulling me; I see right through them and so they dont fool me but it doesn’t do me any good; they still attack me in different ways of intimidation. Im mad; they see through me; they call me on my bluff and then I have no power anymore; Im scared to take action against them; I dont want to get involved in the middle of them; Im scared; but secretly its exciting and I love it; and I like the chase; I like to be chased and imagine I fight them; but I chicken out when they actually show up; they are more mature then I am; Im nothing; and have no experience fighting so they see right through me and show up and try to intimidate me.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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