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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Bulling

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jan 08, 2018 5:13 pm

Bulling becomes the main issue in every direction! And it was as a child! Their was no justice or safety! I could do nothing; could not function! I could not safety connect with anything because I was attacked in one way or another! Now, Im trying to figure out how to fix all this! To get back to letting go of the past, starting over with the right people! Who are the right people to connect with that I can trust; how do I get their? who are they!
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I dont trust the upper middle classes or rich; I dont trust the middle classes because they have no respect for the poor! The middle people are not taught to respect the poor! However, in this day, things are different then they used to be! I come from a different world! When I was a child; a house costs 8,000 dollars; a new car of a high brand; 2500 dollars! In those days, most of your friends were middle class; everyone was in the middle! Not now; now everyone is struggling! I dont think the middle class exists anymore! No such caste system; However, In my country a massive caste system exists occurring to money or who you came from or who you know; I guess! Im not sure anymore! not sure I ever knew!
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The world for me has been a giant TV movie; no way to survive in the outside world! From the beginning I was exploited; and those who did the exploited left; left me to die!
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My only interest in people is loneliness or desperation; I have no other reason to know them! If I had it my way; Id be rich and secure and with the right decent friends! and now; Im trying to work with God to get back to that place! My ability to connect with the world was cut off! its bout that initial connection; thats what was stopped! So, thats what Im working on! I need help; not sure where to get it! I have to work with God!
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Its bout trust; all I see in my head are bullies; nothing else! I look back at any schooling; it was all ruined; all of it! It never got started and no one ever cared!
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I had no family! I thought about the people I was with when young; but I was to young; I got thrown away! i tried to come back later; I was already forgotten about; no one cared! they dumped me permanently!
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Looking back; I can see my brother the sociopath; Now, I understand he was already a sociopath back when he was 12 or 13! He was already ruined! that explains other things that happened to me when 14; interacting with him and getting blamed or torn down because of it!
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I have to work with God and find the right people or world to associate with! to connect to; connect with! its all recovery work; the problem is; Im not in the right place to recover from it!
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Women; I have to let go of any women I might think could be an interest! They are wrong for me; I m just wait for God to bring others! I have to learn how to connect with women again; the interactions. These interactions have to be done with safe people! Who are those safe people; I dont know! I have to work with God and use visualization techniques! Ive made mistakes in the past trusting the wrong people; and trusting them for a long long time, never suspecting who they really were! they were a kind of sociopath! Shockingly they turned out to be a kind of pathological personality; this tells me they were always this way; I never saw it! They were covering it up; but I never saw it!
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The last therapist I interacted with would not help me! she has a destain for anyone that appeared her equal. She was rich snob; I guess?. I could be mad, but why bother! I knew from the beginning it wouldn't work! I took a chance; I learned a valuable lesson!
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The child in me wants to fit in; the problem is; unfortunately, when young; all the people I associated with were middle class and upper middle class sociopaths! I never knew; thats the problem! and I was being half erased as a human being by this time; and never knew; I had nothing to compare my situation to, in order to get feedback! I had faded away into a dream world from the beginning of my life; it was the only way I could survive! no one cared! and no one ever would; I was truly alone in the world and never knew it! none of these sociopaths could connect with me ever again because they were never connected to me in the fist place! So, I went through a massive drop from reality or life!
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In the 12 step groups; God brought me the interim or the middle ground; a kind of out reaching mental hospital! Ive been involved in it for about 20 years! The town I live in is centered around this recovery process; for many of us who need it! The problem is; I dont need it anymore! I need to visit it at times; but the outside world is where Im headed; but I have bad memories and PTSD of the outside world! Im not good at negotiating the outside world!
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I have to rely on God! nothing seems friendly! and its not! meaning, they are not my close friends or family! but I've never had any; I've been used all my life and never knew! So, now what do I do! I know many people who have killed themselves, I choose not to! I have that choice today; only because I've healed up! it was not like this before! Now, what do I do! I turn to God and ask an wait for instructions on the kind of life Im suppose to live out here! where Im suppose to be. I understand about success and pathways from source energy! I have to keep alert and keep working on letting down resistance!
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Im now dealing with other issues! I want my life; my privacy! I have to learn to turn to source energy to protect it!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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