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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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bulling and the clock!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 09, 2017 9:23 pm

First, bulling; Im dealing with allot of bulling from my past! its a major set back within my mind and nervous system! I had no protection because I was thrown away; it started at age 7 and I was finally gotten rid of at age 9 1/2! I had no idea at 6 or 7, what was going on. I had to learn the horrible way at age 9 that it was over for me. The main issue; no home; no place to go! no parents! nothing! Any bully could attack me over n over n over or harass me and or control me; and I was in shock; I didnt know what to do! I had no leverage, no home; I had no one, nothing! no place to run. I could not understand; it was one more problem that put me into shock!
If I am to have a future; I have to work through the bulling! Im not sure how! I will have to get on aline and find out! the problem was the inhuman demoralization and the fact, I have no home; or had none as a child! I had a false home as a child; they had planned to get rid of me but I didnt know it! they knew it the whole time! The fact I was in a family or 4 walls, then nothing; no one cared what happened to me or if they would ever see me again! I had my father, but it was a lie; their was no father; their was a mother psychopath; and I knew it was over for me! For that was no help! I knew this worthless psychopath was just that; a worthless psychopath! I had no relationship with this filth scum; and never would! But I also realized I had no place to go! My father was it; he was all I had! He was exploiting me and I did not know or understand! but thats what they do! they lead their victims on and end them up in a ditch or a trap! And these type of vermin destroy children or play them in every conceivable evil direction; they look at humans as insects and ultimately they see all children as nothing more then the representatives of the human race at which they feel superior to! They kill children and use everyone else or rape others! Some psychopaths are very smart; and they are planners! They do not see or feel the need to take care of children; their own or anyone else's ! They play victim or any other roll to get out of the responsibility of taking care of someone! they use people/children and claim impossible conditions that the children cannot live up to! They blame the children for their condition, claiming no one loves them; thus, giving them the right to leave or look for another family! All lies and gas lighting and exploitation! The psychopaths knows exactly what they are doing!
So, I went from psychopaths at the home I lived at to sociopathic friends; who end up being no friends. When this whole experience collapses and I have to move to another neighborhood, and start over without any friends or family; In school, I attract more sociopaths and Im harass'd all the time! No protection and I dont know what to do; Im in shock from being thrown away! And the slamming realization I have no friends and never had any!
Im trying to get over this stuff so I can move on with my life and never come back to where I am! I have to trust God! Im stuck inside when it comes to bullies! This is a rotten deal; I've been ripped to pieces and have to re learn how to trust and act in the outside world!
This is going to take bravery to get beyond this!

The goal I have; let go of resistance to the things Im suppose to do with my life!
I have massive anger and rage because of the way I was treated when young; the way I was victimized! Unfortunately, this was a time period I lost the ability to develop in school, to much trauma and no protection!
I have problems with associations! I like art, but its associated with bullying and terror and an old family system of psychopathic abuse; so, if I work on art; all I see is hatred and anger; does this mean I should not do art anymore?, does this mean I should never do art ever again; is this not a part of the past I dont want to bring up! Im not sure!
is art good for me or bad! Was I suppose to continue with it or is the anger a sign I am going in the wrong direction! is the art problems a sign I should move on and not get involved in the arts! Or, do I have abused blocking me and should get through the abuse and continue to work on the art!
I looked up at the clock at a 12 step meeting; I didnt find any resistance! Now; if I could transfer this over to art, that would be nice! practice seeing the clock and not feeling any anger or resistance, and suddenly think about art and see if I cant transfer my positive thoughts from the clock to art! To working on art!
I have allot of work to do, concerning the time period of age 8 to 14! lots of brutal work! its almost like a horrible dream! what is worse, remembering a life before this with a history! meaning, I was under false confidence and belief that I was safe! This was a lie; but psychopaths are not going to tell little children they will be set up and thrown away; that would take the thrill out of the moment they are thrown away with no escape; makes the psychopath feel powerful and excited knowing they have trapped a child and destroyed it like an animal!
Heres the point; I remember having a history from ages 3 1/2 to 9 years old! I remember routines I had in that house as if I was safe! I had no idea my whole house would be pulled out from under me!
I had a whole set of beliefs and rituals that went with that life; The whole time I was unsafe and had no stability or safety or anyone to turn to; and had no idea; it was meticulously planned to make everything appear and seam normal until the day this whole life experience would be pulled out from underneath me! all intended and planned out by the psychopaths!
I have a whole life repressed, including memories, goals, dreams, friends, everything! I was groomed into a false middle class life that was never going to happen; it was done on purpose to set me up! their never was any middle class life or any life period! I was no different then a throw away foster child! In fact; thats the real equivalent of what I was; a foster child; and that is all I was! it was as if I had been given to foster parents who abused me! They could lead me on, set me up, take me to any location, live in that location, act any way they wanted to, then dump me permanently!
12 step work;
Im slowly working on and hoping to move from the 12 step work back to meeting real people! The recovery process is exhausting and I need other people in my life! it has been a non life but its gotten me to where Im at now!
P.S; The goal is to put art in a gallery and the equivalent; to have success; this would show Im getting better to the point that Im taking my life completely back!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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