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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
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bulling and meditation and connection and...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm

Well; Ive written this three times; I guess a side of me doesn’t want to move forward and print.
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Im still dealing with bulling; Im dealing with it allot; but Im starting to understand that what Im really dealing with is the truth of what happened to me in the past; that I came from one of those trashy worthless horror show low class family filth type regimes. I didn’t know what the neighborhood I came from knew we were worthless trash. I didnt know; I had absolutely no idea, but everyone else knew especially the rich; they lived; not on my block; but down the road; My block was modest housing; However, across the way on the other side of the street a block away; rich people; rich houses; not the same economic bracket as I; 2 different neighborhoods colliding together; One would not question it unless they lived in the neighborhood; of course, as a small child; I did not know the difference; but the people from the rich area knew; I mean, they always know who’s in the neighborhood; they are very keen about those things; they want to protect their possessions and way of life; so; I was labeled the minute I came into that neighborhood. I was white filth; white trash; and I never knew; its not that I am those things; these are simply names the rich gave me or the family system or group I came from; what does this mean; its means “ Stop”; dont go their; it means; I am to stop and not proceed; Its not safe for me to go into that neighborhood; those rich people will take advantage of me; they hate me and hate my creator; they think they are Gods; they dont care who comes from the real God.
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Anyway; I did not know any of this when young and had no one showing me; for know one showed me anything; I was all on my own; I didnt know it; I thought my parents were teaching me how to become independent; what a joke that is; in reality; I had been thrown away and no one cared what happened to me.
When I ended up with kids in the rich neighborhood; meaning, playing at their houses; the parents knew immediately; they knew their children were playing with trash from down the street; but they said nothing to me; but they did tell they children because their children told me; we were 5 year old and their children would tell me what their parents said about me; and later as I got older; their children would tell me more things; at times I would over hear their parents calling me and my family trash or worthless filth.
So, why did the rich want me around; They saw an opportunity for their son; he had all sisters; and I would be the perfect vehicle to socialize him; looking back now; Im made sick and ill by what I see; and I feel fear; because of the lack of argued for myself; being a self; being a person.
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SO; I have to keep writing about stuff until I get the deeper pain out; Im really wacked in the head from codependency as a broken child. And fear; and hyper vigilance; I start wanting to get violent with people based on their look or attitude or possible background; its always about their movements; and how they could hurt me if they get near; its not about anything else; its about CPTSD.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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