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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (943)
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- July 2019
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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Bulling and meditation and connection and...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am

So; Im dealing with bulling; its such a horrible hard subject; such a personal let down and demoralization; I hate it; Ive not been able to face anyone or look them in the eyes; However, the biggest bulling occurred by the people I was forced to grow up with; and that damage is causing most of my problems.
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Im trying to get over a situation that occurred a few days ago; a crazy guy I don't like was walking toward me; done it several times; I could not understand how anyone would allow this person to walk around with a giant piece of wood swinging it like it was a weapon as he walks down the side walk; Im thinking; why are the cops allowing this; its more then just intimidating when walking by someone like this. I would walk on the other side of the street and not afraid to show that Im moving to the other side of the street when he was present. I did this several times.
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Im scared of bullies; Im passive aggressive with bullies; I might act tough; but Ive never been in a real fight before; and I do not know how to punch anyone or anything. If I got into a fight; I would loose, end up thrown down and punch out and crawl up into a little ball and be beaten on; and the bully would be that much more invincible. And I would be that much more demoralized. And thus; thats whats happening to me psychologically.
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So; I don't know how to fight nor have I ever been in a fight; I don't know the first real thing to do in a fight; nothing. and Im to old for it now.
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But Im scared and intimidated by bullies. I don't like them; I go passive around them and go into shock and freeze mode.
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Im passive aggressive around them; but don't care; they bate me; and they used to bate me in high school; I was so traumatized i could not do any school work; nothing. No one cared; I care now.
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The bully does not care about me or value me and I don't like filth like this around me; thats what was upsetting me; that the filth was around me in the first place. I don't f__king care.
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So; Im frightened of bullies; Ill run and hide or bow down and fall into a ball and roll up until its over. Ident want to fight anyone; I don't even know how to throw a punch or accurately defend against a punch; nothing. Im scared to death; my ego, of being put down physically because I go completely passive.
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Im so disturbed and intimidated when I see a bully; I envy their lack of respect for fear; they are fearless and I am not.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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