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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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Bulling and meditation and connection and...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am

So; Im dealing with bulling; its such a horrible hard subject; such a personal let down and demoralization; I hate it; Ive not been able to face anyone or look them in the eyes; However, the biggest bulling occurred by the people I was forced to grow up with; and that damage is causing most of my problems.
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Im trying to get over a situation that occurred a few days ago; a crazy guy I don't like was walking toward me; done it several times; I could not understand how anyone would allow this person to walk around with a giant piece of wood swinging it like it was a weapon as he walks down the side walk; Im thinking; why are the cops allowing this; its more then just intimidating when walking by someone like this. I would walk on the other side of the street and not afraid to show that Im moving to the other side of the street when he was present. I did this several times.
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Im scared of bullies; Im passive aggressive with bullies; I might act tough; but Ive never been in a real fight before; and I do not know how to punch anyone or anything. If I got into a fight; I would loose, end up thrown down and punch out and crawl up into a little ball and be beaten on; and the bully would be that much more invincible. And I would be that much more demoralized. And thus; thats whats happening to me psychologically.
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So; I don't know how to fight nor have I ever been in a fight; I don't know the first real thing to do in a fight; nothing. and Im to old for it now.
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But Im scared and intimidated by bullies. I don't like them; I go passive around them and go into shock and freeze mode.
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Im passive aggressive around them; but don't care; they bate me; and they used to bate me in high school; I was so traumatized i could not do any school work; nothing. No one cared; I care now.
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The bully does not care about me or value me and I don't like filth like this around me; thats what was upsetting me; that the filth was around me in the first place. I don't f__king care.
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So; Im frightened of bullies; Ill run and hide or bow down and fall into a ball and roll up until its over. Ident want to fight anyone; I don't even know how to throw a punch or accurately defend against a punch; nothing. Im scared to death; my ego, of being put down physically because I go completely passive.
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Im so disturbed and intimidated when I see a bully; I envy their lack of respect for fear; they are fearless and I am not.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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