As I slowly wake up I look back at all the bulling; its insane. I went from a small child to a punching bag that could not defend himself; mainly because I was in a constant state of shock over my life; a life that was thrown away from the beginning. I never had a chance.
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Now as I wake up Im asking God to help me get over the different forms of bulling. It still hasn't ended.. Some of the people at the 12 step meeting I was at; bullies... if they didnt get what they wanted from me they would destroy me.. and thats what they tried to do; not my friends; false friends. But also; why would I think a bunch of sociopaths are suppose to be my friends? So; I have to constantly remind myself to wake up.
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The bulling and physical bulling has made me bed ridden; I can hardly leave my apartment. The outside world is an estranged place for me. I know people at 12 step meetings but thats about it and those people; many of them are not friend material. One has to be careful how close one gets...
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The girl from the past; the one I would have married. God has me going into the past and re scripting what happened. Now; I imagine Im in her house and I see her and sit down with her and talk. And I grab her hands and pray with her and tell her I love her in first person point of view.
However, Something new has also happened; a very important piece of the pie; Im now seeing myself telling her Im sorry and I didnt mean to cause her harm. Making amends this way is very important because; if I did this when I knew her and their was trouble that I caused; I would have stayed with her... If I had apologized for what I did; we would have been together for ever I imagine. You never know; but on my side of things I would have.
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By doing this over n over n over; Im training myself how to talk to someone right now; someone new... Ill keep seeing her in my imagination and telling her Im sorry and to forgive me and Im sorry for not trusting myself and dropping out or that I was unable to be solid or trust worthy. If I had gone up and told her that I would still be with her. So Im learning many things; God is doing all this... teaching me these things.,.. This will affect my future relationships. In fact; God would not allow me into any new relationships until this has been accomplished; im suppose to fix this relationship gone bad; and until its fixed; I cant move forward; Gods orders; this situation has to be brought back right; put back to a point of polish and shine. This relationship must be restored the way it was suppose to work in the first place and it can and im working on it; lots of pain and contempt and hatred and anger and loathing and thinking Im better then and me wanting to spit on everything and everyone around me and im to good for this... fighting and screaming with bloody murder. Ill get their... God wants this one relationship fixed.
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As for bulling; I think the goal is to keep waking up; let God keep waking me up until im strong enough to be present again where Im at. Right now Im just hanging out in my room... Ive got this anxiety I would like to get rid of from the pain and heart break of the past and then Im here with no present goals. Meaning; no job goals or outside goals.
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Music; I guess I have one goal; to create music; sing it live in front of others; my own backing tracks.. yes; that would be cool...
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