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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- January 2021
The social; or new social begins
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 11:41 pm
I cant be friends with women
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 9:51 am
friendships... Is that what women wanted?
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 1:30 am
Problems with women I guess? My problems ?
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 10:44 pm
Stuff about sex; and not allowing sex
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 8:48 pm
Connecting the 2 halves
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 6:00 am
Now Im starting to get it
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 3:35 am
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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Bulling -

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 27, 2017 5:15 pm

This will continue to be a subject; This subject of bullying is a broad use term; one can use the general word abuse; but when an individual is neglected and abused by those outside the family system because of neglect; for me, the word bulling fits! Bulling is abuse by those outside the family system relative to those inside the system! However, a child can be bullied in the original family system; why use the term bulling for this inside family problem?; the child is no longer considered part of the family ( they are now an outsider, altho living in the family system) and thus, the family has made the child of no regard and disposable! A neglected throwaway child is like a foster child from outside the family system brought physically into the family system. and bulling is a symptom of this child's low family social position! The child is considered an outsider and is worth nothing to the family system! Within the sociopathic family system; a child can be marked as a trouble maker and banished to the equivalent of foster child! The family has thrown the child out into foster child status and the child no longer considered a family member; altho the child is still living at the same residence. The child has no say so in this; no choice; this sickening situation is thrust on an innocent child. Truly its an evil act! Does this mean the child has physically left the family area or physical dwelling space; no! The child might still be under the roof of the family but the child has been betrayed and is no longer wanted or considered part of the family system; they are a stranger, and strangers get bullied!
So, a child that is no part of the system is considered non protected by the system and the others can freely gang up on the child and destroyed them! I know this; I went through this several times with several family systems! I saw it first hand in many different ways! In addition, I was bullied outside the family system in many different ways!
So; what went wrong! Well, lets start at the beginning! The beginning is; My safety was most important to me; and nothing else matters! So, at 3.5 years old, I remember the first abuse! The rejection demoralization from the main psychopath! Im sure they were doing other things to me that were neglected based; obviously, Im to young to know! However, my father takes over a bit to control things! So, Im surviving! Now; Im about 4 and we move into another house! I assume its my first childhood home! and Im wrong; just as I assumed my mother was only ever married to my father or my father was her first relationship; wrong; lets go back to 5 other relationships or marriages before my father. she seduces men for money and exploitation! but I did not know this when young! and for the record, those gents she tried to use before my father showed up in her life; they wised up or their parents wised up that she was a psychopath and got rid of her as quick as possible; convinced their sons to dump her as fast as possible; and they did!
OK; I spent most of my early life learning from only one thing; The TV set; all my future was based on the dreams I created in my imagination from the sitcoms and movies of that time period! and that is all I had! 100% TV! all learning came from the TV concerning my future or what I would be when I grew up!
later, in life; its all TV! After 2nd and 3rd and 4th grade; its all TV! No one shows up! Nothing; just TV shows to direct me as to what men are, as to what women are, as to what children are, as to how to act in a family, and family values and values that are acceptable to the time period! I learned from sitcoms, what to expect from school, how to be in class, what to expect in class, what to strive for, how to act in a class room! I learned what teachers are, and how they interact with students! I learned how girls were suppose to act and how they would act. I learned from TV; what fun is; what to expect to do in the summer time! I assumed all children were like me and like the children on TV! The problem is;
Im in a state of complete dissociation; I have no real world feedback from any direction! I assume because their are people around me in a house hold that I am being developed normal or even developed! Looking back at my very young childhood; chances are I was escaping all the time; that is all I learned how to do! Not knowing this was not normal; I never questioned this behavior! Did I ever interact with other in school; not as much as I thought!

Nursery school;
I am interacting with others in nursery school; at least I think so! Looking back, I have more TV in my head and feelings from it then actual interaction with other children! Im dreaming or day dreaming about being with and around children when Im a child then actually being up close and around any children, even tho they may be physically close; I am at nursery school! I think the reality is; I watch a tV show, I go off on my own world, I day dream then wait and on to an activity , I think about wanting to be next to or talk to or play with other children; Finally at some point I interact with other children! but its only about 10% of the time! Looking back; I notice other children interacting with other children 80% of the time! Ok; Im a child introvert; so, I can give this theory a bit a leeway! However, I think Im making my point; I have a social deprivation and its getting worse; a bad one; and its on its way to getting much worse! And its been developing sense birth! in fact; I believe Im simply ignored from the day Im born!
Child fantasy bond; Im in a very large child fantasy bond; normal? I believe mine is bigger then normal! maybe! looking back; Id like to believe this; Im not sure! I know I have an extra protection mode as a child; I believe I have this more then the average kid! Im in a large dissociated bubble.
Later, middle childhood, nothing has changed; I want to escape; it seems a natural thing, so I want to grow up and be free! I have hopes and expectations and dreams; and I continue to watch more steady TV shows, and nothing has changed; its a steady stream of how to act at a very young childhood age, a middle childhood age, an adolescent childhood age, and beginning teen age, and middle teen age, and later teen age, and college age and young 20's and middle and late 20's age!
In the real world, at about 2nd and third grade; especially 3rd grade, and it really beings in the 4th grade, things are pear-ing down; my life is stagnate! In actuality or reality, Ive not matured past 5 years old; and I believe this. Or no growth since nursery school! Altho Im in grade school, Im getting nothing from it! Looking back, Im not really interacting with anyone! I think Im interacting with people and places and things! In reality, Im filled with TV shows within me and dreaming about them and wanting to duplicate what Im seeing and feeling from the TV shows. I want to experience the real world; In reality, Im in a constant dream and not really interacting with anyone or anything; in eluding school or school work!
What is going wrong! I spend my time when around people, dreaming of what Im going to do or say when Im around people; and Im dreaming like this instead of interacting when around people! Im showing real signs off a child form of dissociation within culture! and its getting to a detrimental level around 4th grade! It starts showing up in alarming amounts in the 4th grade! In the 4th grade, Im behind other kids in maturity and social development and the school system! Altho I want what everyone wants; I want to be a strait A student and I expected to interactively be a strait A student in school, nothing is working out this way! Im more then falling behind; A large gap exists between the dissociative level of existence within my mind and the outside world; my participation with the outside world doesn't really exist! I believe Ive been participating with the outside world; the facts indicate no real interacts have taken place! very little to nothing! Im 75% none connective to the world around me! Am I autistic; no! This is dissociation; or dissociation level! Where did I get this training from; this dissociation training?; therapist have told me it comes from the abuse of years 0-3; the foundation. Anyway; many things will stream from this age period of 0 to 3.

Im hanging out at my friends house all the time with his family; what do I really know about him; its first grade to 5th grade! What do I really know about him! We have fun together! but looking back; I realize, Im in my own world most of the time,. feeling my feelings and being in my head! I really don't know this person very well! I feel safe tho; and this will be a giant mistake! His family appears to be normal and Im so young, no one bothers with me! Im not rejected, Im to young to reject by the adults! Im just some small kid coming to visit visit their family on a daily basis! it seems normal to me! but in reality, its not normal; they are questioning this behavior from the beginning; his family!
Did this kid ever say he was my best friend; did his family ever say how they felt about me showing p to their home all the time; did this kid ever say he liked me or liked having me around; did this kid ever suggest I was his best friend; no?
Did this kind; ( my best friend); did his family ever suggest they approved of me being at their house! Did his family want me at their house! how did his family actually feel about me or me being at their house! They his family want me at their house or want me gone! Did his family like me or hate me?
Later, I will find out my friends family did not want me at their house; and I was being used in order to keep their son company! As soon as my friend is older, Im being shunned away or to go away! and my friend is no longer acting like my close friend!

So, Im in a strange protective mode when younger! Because I have no attention or the right kind of developmental attention from the household Im living in; I have this natural desire that seems normal and right, to reach out to other kids and their families in the community and be around them; interact with them; and the TV show I watch suggest this is normal childhood behavior! I see children hanging out with other kids families on TV sitcoms; seems normal!
I will attempt to hang out with other kids and their families and grow and develop! I look for nice kids that I believe I can relate with; later, this will turn into a complete disaster! The children I pick will be smart and possibly; well to do; but later when grown up; they are little better then Hi bred middle class monsters of little conscious; upper middle class money creators and nothing more! I could not have been more wrong about the horrible choices I made for friends! and in the end, these acquaintance will be lethal to my survival. In the end I will end these relationships, most, if not all of them will end; even those I called best friends that were closer then brothers; these relationships will end permanently; they were never friends; at best, enemies; they are strangers to me! I had no idea who I was dealing with or making friends with; no idea; nothing! I was so very young! I was forced to reach outward at the age 0f 5 to survive; and making friends seemed the answer to this solution;
I was completely wrong about who I was picking for friendship! These people and their families, in their own ways, exploited me at best! Many turn out be no more then acquaintances. unfortunately, with my protective mode in hi gear, and my fantasy bond as a child, and defense system up, and my miss understanding of the world coming from a TV set, and the dissociative condition; my interactions with the world and these new friends and their families will end in tragedy! Not for them; for me! They could care less; they never liked me in the first place.
At my home; the home I live in as a child; it seems no more then a silent truck stop! looking back; I see Television shows as more reality then anything I remember about the home I lived in! Tv shows made everything real!
Reality; age 7-9, the beginning of the end
In the end of my childhood, as I wake up; Im being punished or destroyed! Waking up means, Im about 9 years old and many things Im becoming aware of; many inconsistencies in the world and how Im not developing and how Im treated by those around me; something is horribly wrong!
At around 9.5 years old, the end begins! Im beginning to experience bulling in the 5th or 4th grade, and at times the 3rd grade! I believe Im dissociative and school bullies are sensing this and following suit! I have one kid that following me home and tries to beat me up; he hits me in the face and harasses me then tries to be fiends with me; it does not work; he means nothing to me; in fact he is creating this from the beginning, not me! So, Im being picked out by these bullies and thrown into their lives of trouble! ITs beginning about the age of 9!
The age of 7 sees the real beginning of things going wrong; possibly because Im waking up, I'm starting to see the truth!
After the age of 9; I am aware of the calamity of my situation; I am now in completely shock, and will be thrown away and turned into a foster child, where I will be destroyed and premonitory disable mentally from trauma!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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