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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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Bulling; How am I going to deal with this!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Oct 21, 2017 8:29 am

I was already submissive toward the people in the family I had to live with as a child; I was the youngest and stayed to myself! To survive, I caused no problems; I watched allot of television and created drawings! I liked to do art; soon, it was all I had; that and watching television!
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When I was thrown away at the age of 9, It started to become apparent serious neglect was going on in the 4th grade; however, I was about to say the 3rd grade! so, I will say the third grade; this means Im aware of problems but Im all alone! No one to help me or turn to!
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In the 5th grade, it starts! and the process is followed through! I go from being in a family when very young, to having no family; nothing, by the time Im in 5th grade; it degenerates into nothing and falls apart or is broken apart!
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After this; Im the equivalent of a foster child; and I will know what this means very soon; unfortunately!
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Because their is no father and no family to protect me! Im susceptible to bullies because I have no normal way of coping with anything! Im in shock and my mind and nervous system shut down from being abandon! its a permanent abandonment! It matters not if I ever see the members of this original house hold; they are not my friends and their is no bond or ties between us! No real father or mother! nothing; or brothers; nothing! no connection!~
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I am freaked out and lonely and alone; Now the monsters come! In any jungle, an alone child at night will be destroyed if a mother does not protect them! If they are left neglected, the creatures of the night will rip them to pieces; the human race is no different; If one is alone, the sociopathic bullies will find you; they are at that vibration; they can sense it and see it; they are predators with no social boundaries or conscious! They will rush up on my immidialaty and relentlessly every chance they can! One bully attacked or harassed me through the 7th grade, when I returned to that same area in high school in the 12th grade, he resumed where he had left off; it left me shaken and stunned! I did not know what to do!
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As I said; I was a throw away disposable abandon victim! The bulling started immediately, no matter where I went; their was always a bully in the schools or more then one, several! and I was bulled at the homes I stayed at! I was never wanted by anyone; and no one cared that I had lost my home and way of life and parents and brothers and friends and relatives and everything! it was as if I had never been born!
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The point is; I was bullied over n over n over! The schools system did the same to me! The neighborhoods I lived in turned on me; slammed their doors in my face! I had no one that cared about me; nothing!
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The point is; During that 4 year period, from 10 to 13 or 14, I was destroyed through many different forms of fear and intimidation, control and bulling! I had no family, no one cared; I was being sexually abused, and I started using drugs!
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This bulling continued to the last year of high school and the families I lived with bullied me or treated me like I was sub human and of no value; worthless!
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By the time I was in my early 20's,. I was so sick from dissociative disorder and long term pTSD and clinical depression and every thing else; I could not move! I was paralyzed by the mental illness brought on by developmental trauma!
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I would finally attempt to escape all of it by going homeless later in my life and I ended up on social security! Ive never functioned!
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As I get better, and I'm not around that original family system anymore; Im attempting to heal up and function again; getting better from dissociative disorder! However, I have to look at those beginning bulling years!
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How do I get over the memories of the bullies?, How do I work through bulling; those who came up on me and controlled me relentlessly against my rights! ITs staggering to understand how to work through bulling; and I had a good 10 years of it until my mind was destroyed; and this from very direction; home, school, school yard, communities I lived in; no one was on my side; nothing! Friends turned on me; they were never really friends; but I didnt know!
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Im trying to get over the bulling of the years 10 -13 years old! its very hard to look back and see what happened to me; How I allowed these creeps to control me or that I even associated with them; made friends with some of them; called them my friends; out of being intimidated! Of course, I did not have my awareness as I do now!
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So, I have work through this! I felt worthless and ashamed at the time! and still do! so, Im attempting to work through this that I might be a bit more assertive and not so learned submissiveness to survive!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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