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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Bullied again

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri May 31, 2019 5:04 pm

I was bullied again a few days ago; I hate it; it is a carbon copy of what happened to me in 5th grade by several filth I went to school with. the guy that bullied me when young; one of them; followed me home finally and punched me in the eye; he wanted to fight me; he contrived the whole thing up to attack white people; find someone he could attack. He used some bogus excuse that I was staring at him looking for trouble. of course I was not starring at him; I could care less; he was some Mexican guy; I was not a friend of mine; I could care less; he was a complete stranger; I had no idea who he was; I saw him from across the gym at lunch a few times; nothing else. He kept yelling things at me; like I was starting things with him. later after punching me; he tried to become friends with me as if this was one of those race movies where the 2 different races meet; fight and become friends; it didn't work because their was no 2 races fighting each other; their was just this filth starting a fight with a perfect stranger; and thats all it was; just some junior sociopath preparing for a life as a criminal; nothing more. I walked away. Surprisingly the punch never hurt; I don't know why. I was stalked.
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And lately it happened again 50 years later; I could go to the cops; but Im not ready to; its not that serious. whats serious is how I feel right now; Im battling to go back its my childhood and remember where I came from; the house, the feelings, what I was thinking about; my plans; my safety, my life. I had a life developed on my own when I was a boy; no one knew about it accept me. Later I would find that I was being victimized on all fronts by wicked evil people.
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So; Im in the middle of working through my childhood; that I get that part of myself reconnected again.
This will take time; its happening; I have to short circuit the people I was associating with in my childhood; meaning, short circuit it in my memories; get back to a place where they dont count; they mean nothing to me; more importantly, they are nothing but strangers that are in my experience that I never wanted to be in my experience. I didnt know they were unsafe; I never thought in those terms.
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My is to get in touch with my feelings and find out what I really life to do; for example; society might tell me to be an engineer; while Im actually suppose to be a sculptor; I have to learn to let go of the idea of being and engineer and be a sculptor; like is that simple for me; Im looking for this transformation; Im trying to get aligned for this way of thinking.
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The goal is to get back my childhood feelings because that is me; the problem is; at some point the abuse picks up; the neglect; and as I get older from that point on; I see more n more of what is happening; this is from age 7 on; at age 7 Im aware of some bad things that are unraveling; before this; I assume Im going to be taken care of and loved; but at age 7, I began to see signs of things going wrong; little do I know, things were already wrong from the beginning but I don't know it; know one is actually taking care of me but me; but I don't know it. Ive been neglected from the beginning but I dont know it.
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As I get older, things will fall apart quickly; one of the areas; in school, Im falling behind completely and rather fast; Im not developing; Im like a 5 year old in 5th grade; while other kids I know are moving forward in school class work and learning levels; I am not; its like Im always in 1rst grade.
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Im starting to see the contrast between myself and other kids my own age; im just trying to survive; I trying telling myself; as soon as Im older, I will get the help I need and pull things together. Ill be safe and OK; but that will never happen.
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As for friends; I dont have any and dont know it; Ive spent time with people; but they do not like me the way I think they like me; Im being used; but dont know it; Im 2 young. At some point Im just trying to hang on. Its enough to be around these people and their families; its the only love and attention Im getting.
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I know my worth so I assume many kids I know of will like me; but it never happens.
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And everything is going to fall apart in the 5h grade; However, up to that point Im doing OK; I mean, I would say up to the 4th grade Im doing oK; the 4th grade is when I notice the neglect; specifically in the school system; I know something is deathly wrong; Im having to parent myself to much; but I dont have a word for it.
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And Im learning that I must analyze the time period of 0 to 13 years old and re feel everything; accept everything, see everything for what it was; an inventory of everything and then recreate new stories of how I wanted it to be.
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The point is; for a number of years; Im safe and Ok; and Im trying to get in touch with those years before others forced their way into my life and @!@@@! with it.
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I remember the gaol and dreams I had; Im getting closer to feeling them and I want to be them again; have them be present now and make the decision of the directions I take in life; right now; who am I, what direction am I going occurring to my feelings. And thats the work; but I have work through trauma; and I dont want to be traumatized again by bullies as I work through past trauma; Ive never known how to deal with this; being bullied while Im trying to deal with trauma from the past; its left me baffled; still does, So, I have some growing to do in this area; and facing some humiliating things about myself; that Im not who I think I am. Im not a tough guy; that never panned out; Im a weakling but Im a artist; Im sensitive and an artist and intelligent and would be a great actor; and I need to own that and not the other identities that are shoved down guys throats; the leader provider alfa male b_llSH_t non sense. stupid nonsense. Im just myself period. no labels unless I choose to put them on myself. Im not interested in what others are doing or think of me.
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So; I have to let go of my ego of what others think of me; Im vain and think others are thinking about me; and I have to work through that; I have a name and reputation to protect or an image to think about; Im a legend in my own mind.
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When Im a legend in my own mind and a bully comes up to me preditorizing me with no fear of walking across my boundaries; this puts my ego into red alert; I cant fake my way out of it; I cant defend myself and im found out by the bully; he knows, he can see through me; it; and knows he’s got a mark. and I crumble and cringe into a little ball and start crying and freaking out; scared to death that some one is trying to hurt me again. I dont want to be hurt anymore; ive been hurt all my life; thats all its been is one attack after the other and I dont want anymore; so Im tired and exhausted of it. but I dont defend myself; I crawl up into a little ball until they go away or they own me and Im controlled by them and scared and intimidated and will do what ever they say out of fear of getting hurt or intimidated by them. I hate them loath them and passive aggressively allow them to control me because the alternative is to stand up against them and I wont do that because that would prove they are in control of me and I will not allow filth like this to have that position over me; if I give them that position then I must fight them as opposition and I wont give into that; thats what they want; its a trap. but Im trapped either way; I cant win, so I crawl up into a ball and dissociate and go into freeze mode.
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Anyway; Im attempting to get back my original feelings; the original me before I was hurt. And Im working on it slowly; parts of me seem to show up; small fragments of memories of the child that is trying to make sure everything is safe so he can come out and live again; his feelings. And the child in me; his feelings , spontaneous free feelings, are my feelings. The path of least resistance that I am to follow is from the child. I need that child out n front and allowing his feelings to make decision for the goal. And the goal is to feel good and go in that direction.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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