Brothers in arms; what does it mean
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My adolescent period that had nothing; no development accept being pushed down and destroyed and abandoned and molested and bullied to death and thrown away again and pure neglect of my intelligence development spirituality and identity; a complete destroyed crushed identity... I was not allowed to have one; and thus my mind melted away into the outer spaces of the universe and left this planet and anything present.
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Fast froward to now.
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So; in order to fulfill my dreams or desires; some how the universe is going to have to rebuild my adolescence years and thats whats happened or happening... its not complete but what is complete is IM BACK.
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Ive got new friends; and they are showing me how to live a life from boyhood to manhood; that specific turning point. Im getting the chance to experience that.... Ive already experienced it.
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I have friends that are best friends; mentors, father figures, brothers, buddies and many other hats; car building instructors; and I also play a role with them; and they have shown me what life looks like working through adolescence; they have a truck and a house, and a wife, and a career and have shown me how to get it by praying for it; the right way.... and Ive hung out with these guys for a while now and its starting to ware off on me; Im starting to turn into them; all inline with God; just the way it should be,.
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Where do I go from here. I dont know. Many good things are happening for me and some sad things that are necessary for me to move on with Gods plans...
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One area Im walking up with is women; the women of yesterday; are not interested in me and I have to let them go. Its hard concerning some of them because I haven't accepted that they never liked me I just thought they did. I thought they liked me more then they actually liked me; throwing me away was not hard for them; it was 2 easy; way to easy; so easy that maybe I had mistaken them for someone else... and I dont like to look at that but I have been delusional from the dissociative condition...
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So; as I get better and more inline with learning how to go from boyhood to next level hood and thats here now; Im in it; but Ive been dropped in it as recently as yesterday; Im new to it and dont really have a clue about what I'm suppose to do; the next move in this specific arena.. I dont know.
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Im seeing the the right kind of women comes along after I establish myself as who I really am; and that has happened or is happening; actually hasn't happened yet; Im on the fringe on the correct side of the lines with no experience; no new experiences in it yet; just small social experiences; its like establishing myself in my foundation; its happened but I haven't got anything else built yet. or I have a home built but I haven't been in it more then an hour so I cant tell you anything about it.
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Im working on or waiting or working with God on the next move forward; I dont know; its like; what am I suppose to be doing right now this moment that is fun and exciting and building my future. What am I suppose to be doing; and when I know how that feels; ill feel that feeling and bringing in what kind of reality I want to be apart off.
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As for women; as I get more stable in my new life experience; someone will slowly come along... All others from the past; the doors are closed. However, God has opened one door for me to practice positive visualizations of her so I can turn that broken relationship around into something positive; very important for my future relationships.
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The goal is to pray for what I want; the next move forward; I mean; I dont know what I want; accept to move forward down the line of; I pray for the courage to be under Gods direction"'; and their it is...
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So; Ill keep working to be under Gods direction; thats all I want and right now I want to know what it is Im suppose to be doing under Gods direction.
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With a witness; we walked up to a teller at a hardware store; Western equipment farm store; he was buying something; I decided to practice social stuff on the spot; I ask how the clerks day was going; she answered; fine; or something; and she asked how mine was going; I said; Im working on art; and she said something else and I said something else and I remember that I held my hands out in front of me; my arms; wide open and expressive and held my own; I need more of this so I can stay awake... I was able to hold my own; I was so afraid of rejection or turning someone off... or rejection looks; and I may have gotten a few; but Im practicing... and did fairly well. solid... I will learn to stay present and practice more... simply practice.
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I noticed Allot online groups; the comments Im leaving; many are not looking them anymore or my posts because Im getting real and dumping stuff that will leave them behind...
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As I get better l have to think about what I want to do. Do I want to create art;' yes. and do something with it; yes...
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So; Sex and dating; get down to the bottom of this trauma and anger and contempt and rejection ism.... move beyond it into a new realm.. but it goes brutally deep; has to be dug out...
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Ill have to pray for the next move