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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Breaking through 50/50

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Sep 27, 2012 1:27 am

Im in great pain.. My mind is in great pain.. Pressure succeeds from its ruptured center. However, this is not a bad thing.. The center is slowly giving way; giving way by choice of the alters that run it. My alters are becoming active in the present personality or along with it in cooperation. It will be a few years... Im heading in the right direction. My memories are slowly returning, and bigger trauma experiences are showing themselves. New directions are leading these trauma memories to outer vistas of hope acceptance and sunlight.

I have one big fisher-abyss area.. The great tsunami of reality breaks that occurred at 9 years old. This is ever so slowly being examined by many of me..

I am grateful to be alive and heading in the right direction.. Truly a miracle.. How many years did I spend as a lost forsaken throwaway human being with no future.. A giant pain amplifier soon to commit suicide again for the final resting place.

My mind is ripped apart.. The PTSD is a disability situation.. However, I can see myself reaching out into the community and doing more. I see myself creating the arts I've always been interested in. I see myself participating in things... having friends.

This past is resolved in a strange way; through understanding.. No one came back. Well, they did, I was able to resolve things with Gods help and about 12 thousand 12 step meetings and allot of yelling. Im still yelling, Im still going to meetings! The alters are in agreement, most, that the walls will come down and life will be waiting for me.. waiting to try again as a single person without the old family system or neighborhood, or old way of life.

I will create a new life outside the old boundaries and walls. The walls will come down and although I am damaged, this wont stop me from participating or creating things..

My mind is weak and will continue to be so. Work is out I think ( I don't know what to think of this) I suppose I should count myself lucky! if work participation is the only thing that stays destroyed.

relationships are possible with allot of education on both sides. I think! I will have to find out for myself in the real world before I start talk'n.

Participation in life is in, at small levels.

I will stay on social security.. I am 50 years old. Im not sure what to think of this... Im lucky to be alive, so I will learn to live with it.. And I will pray first about all things and all decisions with Gods help.

As I get better, people are slowly gravitating towards me... Its very interesting to watch.. Im still acting weird and defensive. Im learning...

Things are not perfect. I still have the anxiety disorder that is always on and about 50/50 in my nervous system and mind... It never goes away. Today!, its about adding life to the picture and reaching through the looking glass at new things...

AVPD is alive and well!

PTSD attacks happen.. It sucks. I turn into another person that wants to kill kill kill!

Im looking forward to being more present for creating in the arts.

Dissociative disorder is alive and well, better! Much better! Still causes mass problems, still, much better then it ever was...

Im not skizo like I used to be. And I don't think I will ever go back to that stage, I am to educated on my condition, and I have to many outlets for help... Never alone if I don't want to be!

The old family system is gone...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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