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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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breaking things and coming together

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am

When I was in the hospital; they were repairing my arm. But when it was put back together; they released me from the hospital; but the arm still didn't work; I asked them what to do; they told me to go to the gym. For the arm was dysfunctional but it was put back together...
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When I was at the therapists office they reconnected me to myself and to the therapists; but I still didn't function right; I asked them what to do; they told me to go to the 12 step group.
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The past;
I could not face anything from the past; I had lost all the past plus all the expectations of the past and all the unfinished business of the past; I lost it; all of it; I was pulled out of my life in the past and never accomplished or finished anything.
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I could not face people of the past and this was a problem; if I could not face the past or the people of the past; how was I suppose to face anyone in the present. Whats the solution? by breaking the problems down into small steps and working with the right safe people; I could relearn basics until I become a stronger more well rounded person.
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Most of my psych work is about getting better so I can fix the past so I can face the present.
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It would be impossible to fix the past; I mean; Id have to re experience social intimate things in the present to fix the past; how would that be possible with the amount of CPTSD I have; but it happened. Some how it was possible; things just happened; events happened and I was part of many things in the 12 step system; in the end I re experienced a complete circles of social situations; and once emotionally complete, I could prove to myself that I have simulated the same procedures that would be required to fix the past. What do I mean by this.
Lets say:
I could not face a person in the past; What would I need to do? Well; I would need to walk up to her house; I would need to knock on her door; when she came to the door; I would need to sit down with her and tell her how I felt about everything. I would need to understand that she owed me nothing at that moment; I was spilling my feelings to her; spilling my feeling to her was the goal; getting out my venerable feelings; that would be the goal.
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Expressing my feelings to people in the present;
Why is it important to fix the past; why is it important that I can imagine walking up to that girls house in the past and talking to her and expressing my feelings for her; why? because if I can express my feelings for her in the past and fix that situation; I can start expressing my feelings for someone new in the present. If I can face what happened in the past; I can face the completion of relationship with new people in the present.
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How do I face something from the past; I indirectly face the same thing in the present; How do I do this; first I write about what I want, then I visualize what I want. Then I imagine Ive got new situations with new people in the present; that Im slowly working on social basics; interactions with people; one step at a time; and let the universe help me out.
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In my recovery process I have successfully recreated situations where women saw me or listened to me from a distance and fell for me; then slowly migrated toward me and wanted to be close to me and they got close to me; but I got scared; CPTSD/Dissociative order and I ran away. But with help; I came back; and the girls would see me; and get close to me again. And slowly I would get used to them getting close to me; they would show up around me. Soon; my I employed the help of a few guys for support; this giving me the courage; I worked my way around those women again and allowed them close to me; and soon I began to take chances; I would walk up and say hello and start slow; soon I was asking basic questions of feelings; and soon more questions about feelings. Finally; I would walk over and have close intimate conversations about my feelings for them and their feelings for me; and by doing this; simulating this intimacy; these experiences triggered an opening of a door; I realized I had broken the spell of fear that was cast over me when young concerning the people of the past. in the past; I wanted to interact with a women and tell her how I had felt but couldn't. In the present through practicing with basics with new women; if you put all those smaller experiences with these women into one basket; it would add up the ability to walk up to a women and tell her how I felt; and I accomplished this. I accomplished this in the present; and that means; I could go back to the past and accomplish this; it means I would have had success in the past; thus fixing the big problem of the past. And if I can fix that problem of the past; it means I wont cause that same problem in the present. It means I can fix the problem in the present; so; By identifying the problem in the past; I get help to simulate the problem in safe places in the present; I work on strengthening the basics in the present and then apply these new learned experiences; I end up mastering in the present what I could not accomplish in the past; and thus fixing the past because of new experiences in the present. By fixing the gap in the past; I can now fix any similar gaps in the present and by fixing similar gaps in the present; I automatically fix those gaps in the past. By fixing gaps in the past and present; I can now apply the same plans to other areas of the present and other areas of the past and shore up my life.
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So; Ive accomplished the ability to emote with a women; wether Im still shy or not is not the point; thats a whole other subject to talk about. Experiences were brought my way and I took advantage of them and through indirect means and patching together a lot of smaller experiences; these smaller experiences added up into one big experience; the ability to make a circle with a women and complete it; the ability to see someone; glance at them; talk to them; get to know them; and finally tell them how I really feel about them; to the point of having the same experiences as a girlfriend; following through. And this has been accomplished; But no girlfriend; and that is for another blog.
I went to the 12 step groups and accomplished this; I reconnected with women to a point of success in many cases; it certainly allowed me to conquer the past; and if I can conquer the past; it meant I could participate successfully in the present; except no girl friend. Not because women were not interested; but they were the wrong women. Ive not met the right women for a girlfriend; so; this presents another set of problems Im working on.
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In the present moment and shyness.
With dissociative disorder and the damage to my personality; Im exceptionally shy when it comes to intimacy and women; I protect and not connect. I go red alert very fast with women Im attracted to; and wont go near them. Ive been damaged; and I think all kinds of defensive things; but I wont admit that I like them until I take a chance with them and say hello or something. Its very difficult stuff.
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Im afraid of some women; when Im attracted to them; Im afraid they are vile women but cute. I want to sleep with them; but Im afraid to get involved with them but I want to.
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One big problem; In the 12 step system; Ive not found generally the kind of women I want to date; the type of women I want to date are out in the real world. And I would have to learn how to simulate that world and work my way into it much as I practiced in the 12 step world concerning success with women.
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So; I just got an answer; I will practice out in the real world the way I practiced with women in the 12 step world.
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Im starting to see how this all works. Its about women; most things are. Lots of people want to eat; but few want to hunt...
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Even tho Im damaged ; Ive taken the chances over n over with women to accomplish a full circle with emotions tied to women. Ive completed the physical and emotional necessities to equal a relationship; the ability to start one. Now; the biggest problem is; the right women and my personality damage; and place.
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My personality is weak; and its hard for me in the real world. Dealing with women that don't know me is hard. So; Ill have to practice with women right now; Ill practice as if Im preparing to meet women in the real world. All things are run by the universe. So; Before someone gets mad at the idea that Im using women to practice; all things are ran by the universe; the universe is supplying the right people and places and things for this achievement.
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I mentioned that one has to be like a lion and hunt; and I have to do the same thing; the same mind set; I have to learn how to hunt women; go after them; eat them; digest them and spit out what I don't want.
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I have to learn to be like a lion; if Im interested in someone; go up to them... Not easy for me. I don't like rejection...
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Ive been horribly afraid of class money level problems; meaning the caste system in my country; if you don't have money; what do I do; what type of women do I meet; but I have to leave this in the hands of the universe.
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Im starting to see that practicing is part of this. I've been ashamed; shame is a big problem for me; if people see Im on a disability, they will know Ive got problems. I don't like people involved in my weaknesses...
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I don't trust people and I don't like being around the wrong people. Anyway; Ill have to work with the universe to create situations of how I can meet new women in the world.. and their it is; and I must remember; I was successful in the 12 step system with women; in a sense I've completed at least the basics of what I set out to accomplish.
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One area of importance; to conquer relationships because the psychopaths destroyed that for me in this life. So; I want it back. My mind was horribly butchered.
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So; I'm starting to get a picture of what I need to do in the present to meet women.
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And Im starting to see it; its not the " Place" thats really got me bugged about meeting women; its my inability to deal with women once I'm their; it must be conquered first. I have to get used to dealing with women in the outside world; not people in a 12 step group. And so; a set of plans will be written up concerning this and I'm get to work on this. Im assuming; much like the plans I created to conquer women in the 12 step groups; or to conquer my fears in the 12 step groups; I don't have to conquer women; I mean; no one has taken them from me in the first place; their all over the place.
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"place"; So; some how; Im going to conquer my fear of women in the outside world and then Ill worry about where Ill meet them...... that is a good plan. For I see women in the " outside" world differently then see them in the 12 step system; so possibly; I need to see women in a different light; not give them so much power. It seems in the real world they have more then I do so why would they like me.
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Im also realizing everything has basics attached to it; find a goal; work the basic of anything and one can get accomplish anything; not just one thing. Conquer one thing completely; and those skills can be transferable to anything...
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I find it strange that this plan would find me; I mean; its just appeared for me; but no giant bells or whistles went off; just kind of naturally appeared;
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And with this plan concerning women; could I use the same plan concept with art and music; yes I can. So; Im starting to see a world open up to me. Strange; this plan appears to me when writing and I don't feel anything; its just naturally here and it fits all things for the development of things...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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