I have a strange hard place; a breaking point with dissociation Im not sure how to define but its where I flip into an altered state. It reminds me of 5th grade and being given away into 6-7-8-9 grade. Those years; thrown away.
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Its the starting of hatred; or self hatred or not being accepted or being thrown away into nothingness...
Its a place of not being present.
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Its a place that sends me into dissociation so I cant be with women or around women. Its that " place"; a place I want to break through; maybe Im scared to break throw it and see myself for who I really am; nothing like I present myself to myself to be.... Im different then what I am; or who I am or who I think I am.
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So; Ive got to break through this barrier; and thats what it is; its a barrier; Its a barrier that stops me from being me; I can see as a small child I had plans for the future; this barrier keeps me from the childhood plans; stops me from going any further; keeps me in protect mode so I dont have to see the reality of it...
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I want to break through that barrier.
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As for women; Id like to be around women that want to marry me! I think that says it all; not around people that cant even see my worth. But; Ive been around people recovering; and thats been the major people ive associated with for years and years and years; and it looks like its worked; Im still have the mental problems; but Im much more stable and much better; I still want to get rid of the barrier Ive talked about; But the people ive associated with are not the right ones for further relationships and that leads me to ask the question; where is my tribe; where are the women I would marry that want to marry me. Im talking about decent women; not talking about faithless people or hypergamy or monkey branches or women of convenience loyalty; their loyalty to me until something better comes along and then their loyal to them; but when they get tired of them; they start showing up around me again; Sorry; Im not interested Thanks.
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Im interested in the people that are interested in me; and where might that be; thats what I have to work with God on.... I want to be around women that want to marry me.... They see my worth.... Who I am.... they and I are aligned with each other... they are decent people.
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The problem is; Im blaming the people and the women in front of me because of the barrier that keeps me from interacting with them; but that barrier is trying to keep me safe; and its not anyones fault im not around the right people; At some point I have to go on some kind of a journey to find my tribe of people and let the ones around alone and move on; they have served their purpose for my recovery process and that process; when this barrier comes down will be over. Im not suggesting recovery is over; but the small town Im in and its people will be over with unless I have other reason to stay here... ive been around general people for the purpose of recovery; and at some point have to move on to another journey. But the barrier must come down and the what its trying to protect; healed...
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This is the same barrier that keeps me from being in reality; doing art; making music; creating or building plastic model kits or doing anything else; it keeps me; while being disabled; it keeps me separated from the here n now reality so I do not feel or experience anymore trauma; its like a trauma protector wall; I can see through it but its like clear rubber; everything on the outside bounces off ; it never gets near me; but it keeps me from experiencing the pain of the past or growing beyond childhood into adulthood. Thats a good description of it; it keeps me locked away in childhood and keeps me from growing into adulthood. I end up in general recovery process where I dont really meet the right kinds of people; some are; I mean; I meet some; and they come to my house or I go riding with them or get rides from them or we are buddies and or.....
But; Im not out living.... And this barrier keeps me from that; from being present and feeling good about myself; Its a place of allot of PTSD that its trying to protect me from... its a dissociated space....
I have to get back to being myself. And just now I saw myself as an Artist intellectual. And I just saw someone putting me down by acting like one; saw it from my past; I was around all the wrong people.... bad people; cruel horrible monsters...
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Im on the right track; What I have to get back to is; taking chance on my own without the monsters and predators and abusers in my head controlling me and telling me what to do and for the most part many of them are gone but the wall still protects me from something and the PTSD and it keeps me down; back at 7 years old... in my own dream world. I seem to be separated from that time period but I can now remember it and feel some of it while its playing in my head but not all of it; my mind is split open and Im replaying bad PTSD at the same time on the other side of the TV screen; like on the right side is the PTSD and the left side is my younger life.
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pray about how to get connected and started from where Im at right now
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Im starting to see some childhood scenes.
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I think the goal is to get back my childhood and reconnected to my neighborhood and God and reconnected back to the next step.
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Some kind of beg gap still resides between me and myself from childhood; I can see myself in my yard; in the back yard of my house looking across the street; but Im still dissociated from it; I can see it but not be a part of it; but its much better then allot of people with these problems... But Im still not grieved the past yet completely; Im not home yet; Im still on the outskirts; so I have to grieve what happened and go home again and start over again; and thats up to God.
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I can see across the street but not be present for it... when a child; as I look back at my childhood but its trying to come back; the tv specials I would watch; the Christmas dinners; Halloween; the summer vacations between school and the things I did... being present... the life I loved. my neighborhood that I loved and lost.
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So; the Thanks giving dinners; walking around town walking around at my friends house... having fun. I remember. And I see sexual abuse later; that is a big problem as well. So; my mind is trying to come back... thats what important. Im not sure what I need right now; Ill pray for it.
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