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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
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   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Blogs and PsychForum really helping right now!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Oct 17, 2017 5:49 pm

PsychForums; a go to place!
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Things are opening up in my dissociative mind! My mind is like a mine field of amnesiac areas! Im healed up enough to walk around in this mine field and get a general feeling of where the amnesiac areas exist! Im still not allowed in those areas!

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Dissociative amnesia; This type of Amnesia is not exactly scary; the word is; it sucks! IT sucks to have it; its like a person with severe diabetes; they have to watch what they eat and poke themselves with needles all day long to stay alive! Is it scary for them; I guess not! but it sucks! thats what Dissociative amnesia is like; it sucks the big one!
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This type of amnesia is to protect areas of my personality that were ruptured! ITs like having prison guards around a compound; if you think about traveling to the compound; long before you get their, guards are waiting everywhere. You are stopped, and at gun point, you freeze, and are paralyzed; then you are escorted off to a new direction away from the compound; even though the compound is 5 miles away! The guards don't let you get anywhere close! You are rushed away into the opposite direction!
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With Dissociative Amnesia, If I get close to wanting to go into the trauma areas of my mind, I immediately go into a dissociative state; not of my control, and Im whisked away, out of the area of the trauma; my interest is pushed out! Im not allowed to open up memories of that time period, even tho a memory might flash at times of that time period! Im in control of nothing! Its like being put to sleep in a surgery and waking up somewhere else! you dont remember anything! you started in one building, went to sleep and woke up in another building! That is what it is like when I touch the nerve of an area of amnesia! Im stopped, but to sleep, and my desire moved on to an other area of the brain!
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The problem is; I have a desire to go back into that time period of trauma and regrow! This might be a time period of adolescence, and I need to grow through it for the present me to be more outgoing and confident; However, on my own, " as is"; not possible! I cant contact any part of that time period where the trauma occurred! Dissociative disorder will not let me!
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So, I might have a desire but cant access it!
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If Im traumatized when 11 years old and that area is being held under by dissociative amnesia; Im not allow'd to remember or feel any desires of that time period! meaning, I might have desires but it cant connect to that time period; that part of the brain; its closed off because the walls of resistance repel me away! The walls of resistance are the guards and look-out posts that keep that area safe; safe from being penetrated or open to the world; for it is an open wound! My mind will not allow more damage to a brutalized chopped up areas of my growth experiences in adolescent time periods; it shuts the open world out; keeps it from entering these frosty grounds of damage!
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What type of relief am I looking for?, I want to grow! When your stuck at 11 years old, this time period is before you meet girls and before you take on activities and get good with things, your somewhere between adult and child At 11 years old, your stuck! your limited to curiosity of this newer expanding world and life call growing up! Im curious at that age but inexperienced and to immature for the adult life! The 11 year old is not expected to be in the adult life; impossible! Yet, if your stuck at this age or damaged, chances are; you will not grow beyond 11 years old in learned experience!
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Many years of my life have no experience! I watched things through a Tv set; but never could go out into the real world and experience anything! Add these problem with dissociative amnesia and a person is stuck in a box; literally and figuratively speaking; stuck in a psychotic trauma box of limited thinking and immaturity! You want change, you seem to go round n round in circles and never get out of the box! You try, but can never leave the limitations of the box! IT sucks!
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Breaking out of the box of amnesia!
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Ive broken out of several boxes of amnesia with steady progress; its hard work; months or years of work before anything significant happens! Im in this waiting period now! Im interested in working with my teenage years; 14 to 17! These were brutal psychologically hard years! I lost everything again at that age! I lost my life several times; in several time periods; meaning, I lost basic human stabilities several times; I was stripped of human life existences! I was stripped of dignity; I was stripped of everything as if in a German WW2 prison camp; and several times, over n over!
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The point; Im attempting to break into these areas of dissociative amnesia; I need those developmental years back; I need to call them my own; I need owner ship of those years of my life; Much growth, especially social, relational and economical growth occurs in teenage years; who you date, how you go about dating, how you socialize, how you plan for your future doing things you like to do; discovering things you like to do! " who am I?:!
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Who am I! Im trying to find out! Im trying to take ownership of the many years of my broken destroyed life; get them back; it looks like I have a wonderful positive chance to get my life back! its been happening at a steady pace! However, deeper darker areas of trauma have to be opened and worked through!
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Interaction with the world is the name of the game! Not shutting off; but interacting!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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