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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Blog 81: Get out of there!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:41 pm

Im finding myself in unsafe arenas with despicable people. People that want to destroy my good name to keep the power. Im used to 12 step meetings where there is no cross talking. sometimes, I forget that in the real world there are no rules. Others can and will barge in on me. They do it all the time. I get thrown out of situations out of disrespect. I seize up when around these people to these situations. They through innuendo's at me implying that Im a beggar, a loafer and no good. These are the people that drive teenagers to hang themselves. These are the types that drive an honest man to start civil war in his kingdom. All hate and passive aggressive.
A massive amount of prejudice comes my way. allot of implied hate. I have no where to back up to, no place to run to. The places I run to have these people. So the safe places God has brought me are unsafe because of the people that dwell in them. I have to turn to God, not myself≥ Im so tired of being sacrificed. I thought mexico city was the last of the heart eaters at mid night.

I have a hard lesson of surrender to learn. Others may look friendly at first, later I see they have contempt for people like myself. Its about power and status. Its always about innocence vs power greed and status. They call me a lier or imply that Im no good, that Im dishonest and the worst of people. Iv'e lied to no one. They seek influence. popularity. They will con anyone to have it or get it. I will get steamrolled if I don't watch it. These people are ruthless. They take; spit everything and everyone out when they are done. I have to learn to get away from these people. Its a set up and a trap when ever they get close to me. They act friendly up front, inside they hold resentments for me. They resent knowing me. They wish they had never met me. I feel the same way towards them.

If you build a healthy trust with me. I would give the shirt off my back to you. You must first build trust. You must not look at me as an opportunity to get ahead. I am not an abject. I am a human being.

Im trying to write this blog to the pain out, get my sanity back. I know that if I have the pain I have the problems. I know that the problem starts because I didn't fight back. My behavior did not respond and protect me. So Im mad as hell about that. Im mad at myself for not responding quickly and solving this problem. I did not react when I needed to react. I did not stay away when I need to stay away.

Im around upper middle class people that hate what Im suppose to stand for. Im suppose to play so many different parts. Im not playing them and its leaving people bewildered as what to do with me.

I am being spit on and attacked because being me is proof that these people Iv'e mentioned above are living a corrupt lie. this puts me in a superior level status. That is why Im getting attacked. I never asked for this position. These people are not better then me or anyone else.

For now until I get better, I have to learn to lie low and a better time of control. Im trusting God and I receive benefits for that. When Im stronger I will try to find a different situation to deal with. until then I have to learn to lie low./.

I will forgive everyone and pray they have everything I could ever want in my life. What others think of me is none of my business≥

I have to respond and get out of a situation even if I think it is safe and I am entitled. I have to look at my role in this. explain what is happening , How I feel about it and learn to put more of myself back into the situation and directions that God requires of me. What is my role in it.

I keep wanting to fit in somewhere; looked at with worth. I refuse to except that it always has to be about money. However, God is teaching me different. He is letting me know that Im lucky to be alive and this is not yet over. My problem is reality: I wont except how bad things are. How bad the people are. Im judged to death before I start. If I look like everyone and act like everyone and be like everyone then I don't rock the boat. I fit in. God is telling me to dress like the borg, just don't be one inside of myself≥ However, Im starving to be me out side of myself, there is great conflict going on. Im being oppressed. When will this ever stop..
They get away with it because nothing happens to them. If consequencel procedures are not carried out, its a laughing matter to those that think they are in control. Consequences are the only answer to those that feel they are above truth and justice. I have to step back and understand these people will never change. I am laughed at, ridiculed, humiliated and thrown out. It never ends. I am the enemy of the stupid masses..
And I am naive to think that the masses are stronger or smarter or decent. I must go through what I must go through to wake up and understand that all monkeys no matter in what part of the cage, rape and murder when they want that banana; even if that banana doesn't belong to them. Even if they have to steal to get it.

If they wont respect little banana, why do I think they will respect me. I have allot of work to do in my recovery.

Its like finding a spot on the floor of heaven in the middle of satan s living room.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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