Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1028)
Archives
- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

blog 80: still fighting

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:26 am

Im slowly digging in deeper to the lower inner levels of this compartment of self. This is an area of fears'm PTSD and its live scars.. As I go deeper into the pain, I still think Im "back there". "There" is a place of death and no hope. It is freaky to walk back to that place in my mind, I dissociate thinking about it. Yet, Im aware it is in my mind. I just need to keep working on it. Just like a world war, the turn has been in my favor. I am winning this war, However, just like WW2,. The Battle of the bulge must be fought, thus the enemy knowing it has lost, will not give up for many more years, and they dig in and kill aggressively.

Im slowly collecting boundaries. Or My boundaries are starting to hold. Im getting close to people and walking by them or away from them. They have proven not to be my friend and I really don't need their manipulations.

Im learning that later when Im stronger, I can be in the same room as the enemy, I don't have to take the bate or run away. People don't appreciate me in a way that is correct. This makes things extremely confusing. I run away; I don't want people around me that don't treat me with respect. I don't like being in the same room with these people, and I don't get these people, unless they are sociopaths, then I get it.

I have to learn to take God with me.

Drumming is coming back to me. This is a great thing, its a confusing thing. Its part of my identity from parts of my past that were erased. The drums through the trauma years were interacted. Seems I was able to play drums at different times of the trauma experiences. Drums are an important part of my recovery. They are a primary hobby. Im not very good on them. I like playing them. Im hoping that in a couple of years I'll get better.

Women: This is a confusing thing. Age has me confused. I will have to prepare myself for the attack of older people lecturing me as I go out with younger women... Im not there yet. I have much work to do on my PTSD stuff, then I will date I think. I think I will have a date, at least one. Plenty of women twirl there hair and stare at me... Age doesn't seem to matter to them... I have no idea what Im doing. I understand attraction and how to attract. Im not sure about someone sticking around even though I care about them and make them laugh. Iv'e been around for awhile. When one cannot create the cash for a house. At some point things break up. This is a philosophical point, However it can be a true point.

Song writing is brutal; Im not getting anywhere. I know how to write. Its about abandonment issues. Im getting close. When I finish a large amount of songs, I've ask the person holding my money to dish me some , that I buy a new toy. I have this rule. I have to finish something first, show the goods first before I buy something new in the field Im creating in. This creates a journey of exploration and work with a goal at the end of the rainbow. Its A God thing. I work these small contracts of accountability with a trusted friends concerning the spending of money's

Going back out into the world some day scares me.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 52924 times

Who is online

Registered users: ArbreMonde, Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, helpme323, KylaKrucifix, MakersDozn, morgancol, MSN [Bot], OMNICELL, SelfSerf, shanky1987, starkrj01, Sunflower0629