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- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
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Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
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Breaking the dating barrier
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Back to the drawing board with women
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Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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Blog 79

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jun 30, 2012 3:50 pm

My life is actually very small. I have almost no friends. Most of what I express I express online. I am misrepresented by most of the middle class people Ive known and been around. Most people don't know me. They see the outside of me or my symptoms or want to fight up against my agitations. They want to compete. I want to live. They see my pushed persona and judge it. They never ask questions for the truth, they have no interest in knowing who I am. Its horrible. Really horrible. They have everything. They attempt to put me in a smaller box that I fit into their bigger world. I refuse, thus, they get frustrated with me. I destroy there fantasy of living through me. They want control, that is the only reason Im allowed around them. They try to hide it, or smile it off as if I cant see it or there motives or fear. They are limited and cannot live with that fact, therefore, they make grandiosity a loved family member. They want to sit back and act like they are in charge of some great experiment. Im suppose to be the allotted participant of that experiment. Finally when they realize Im not going to play into there game, they get frustrated and don't want me around anymore. When I don't leave, that is when the hate comes at me from all sides. Its a sadistic contempt. At times, none of these people have to say a word. Its all loud and clear. Im not accepted for who I am. Im hated for who I am.. Its a most bizarre and strange world I live in, Its all based on conditions. Im not accepted. ITs really strange how people believe that Im going to change so they are happy. This is a strange feature of the human experiment.

I would say Im not liked.. It not that!, Im not known. No one knows me, and they will never know me until they want to, and they don't want to, they are not broken, if they are, they wont admit it. They wont admit that they need me as I need them as I need God. They the ice cubes in a freezer.

My world is small. I have agoraphobia, Iv'e created an elaborate system to function outside. One would never see that I have a problem with being outside. I do, if one would ask I would show them. Im used to dealing with the fatigue of outside. I can only handle so much of it and people, and I start to recede into myself. I try really hard to be outside. Im forced to go outside if I want to get better. I go outside to get better. When I am seen, I am judged.

Others wonder why Im not working. I am working. Im working to get off the fields of death, and to be relieved of their presence in my mind. For , leaving this murky pond, I have taken with me the memories of the pond. I am on land, my mind is deeply under the ocean blue.

Why I keep having these problems they don't see. The fact is, these people have never seen me normal. They have no idea who I am. I am the "it" I am the concept object.

Im an intelligent well educated person, I have degree. Why would a creative intelligent well educated creative imaginative person throw away all opportunities for relationships, love, marriage, family, more education, any and all forms of career paths, having children, having a house, having social status, being a leader in the community, Art center. Why would I bring on the stigma of being a social outcast on social security before my time. Why would I throw away my future by not being employed. Does this sound like Freedom. Does this sound like the kind of person you or your friends would want to hang out with…. ? I have found most people want nothing to do with me, before or after my symptoms..

Why would I throw away my retirement. Why, for what reason... If I could act or be normal, Why would I not be. This equation is not that hard to figure out. There must be something wrong with me if the state put me on social security. Its not like I went through one shrink. I went through dozens of people and red tape and loops. Why do all of this, for a weeks vacation?

Im judged in extreme levels of harshness because of the social security thing. I practice daily trying to act normal, that no one know anything about me. So, people think Im on social security out of a lack of character. As if I can get on social security by knocking on the front door, filling out a questioner and setting my own hours.

Is it possible Im on social security for what I mentioned Im on social security for. Meaning, I never lied because Im not a lier. Is it possible I told the truth. The truth is good enough… Then I realize, the truth means nothing to most, and those judging me are trying to save face in front of those that they are hiding with. I was pawn. I was not even remembered.

I have all kinds of problems. I practice with people to get better. They don't know that. They don't know Im practicing with them. Im not understood by people. They don't want me. They don't want the truth. They want to make judgements. It gets so tiring after awhile; exhausting. I just want to hide away or go to heaven. This world is to much for me. Im to small for this world. I have the same Dissociative condition Iv'e always had. I have the inner working or frame work of it, of a PTSD mind.

I am getting better in spite of these people. And I realize these people are scared. Scared to go where I go… They shut there doors and turn and tear me to pieces.

I was ment to express things through communication. I am interested in the abstract ways of conveying information. I am not interested in being who anyone else wants me to be. I am not interested in fitting in that you or your friends be happy at my expense. You increase by my labor, I decrease.

Im not sure what Im doing on planet earth, except that I am to get better and communicate my experiences through many different forms of languages: Drumming language,. Writing Language, art language, dance language, acting drama play house language,. mime language, music composition language... Telescopes, And many more.

I am not a football or a pencil Engineer. I will not fit into there camps, I resent having to. It is " them" that have told me I am nothing, that I am not worth standing. I was regulated to the bottom of there totem.. I am an artist, I believe in God, these are places they will never be able to reach. Maybe that is why they were determined to destroy me..

I wish I could have fought back. I was to young. I was over powered in a time i should have had the right to live my life. My life was tak'n from me.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
1 Comment Viewed 46321 times

Re: Blog 79

Permanent Linkby Strange Collage Guy on Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:29 am

I suffer from very similar social effects. I find myself practicing with people to see what works and what doesn't. I also at times feel judged by family and "friends" or associates. People will never see me as "this IS me" but instead see "I am", the "thing" that is made up.
Strange Collage Guy
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