Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
Archives
- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Blog 78

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 26, 2012 4:04 am

At the meeting tonight. The topic was " better then lucky". I mentioned that Im as lucky as a lottery winner. My life has gotten steadily better since I started the 12 step program system. Ive been at it for 15 years.... Iv'e been a step work sponsor and have held a few responsible positions within the groups. Just a few. Im not interested in positions, I cant handle them with the PTSD.

I am frustrated. I am lucky , I am glad.

Im able to see the PTSD dissociative line when Im sitting with allot of people around me and in front of me.. Being around people is the key to recovery. It is hard work. Im around people that are addiction based, they are the last people to be sensitive about stuff. Most are getting off drugs, or have been off of them. They are dry drunks at times, I mean, its a hard core group. Some people are sociopaths... Yet, God brought me to the right group. Ive also had an alcohol problem. I tried to medicate my mental condition. Nothing new.... !!

The PTSD Dissociative line is that line between reality and the PTSD delusional world in my head. This line crossed right in the middle of my eye site. That is what it seems like. Im two places at once. blanked out.

When I share, Im not home. Im not present. I used to share for 15 minutes because I wasn't home. Now Im aware of the clock, and I try to keep it to 5 minutes. I will have to practice being home, in the here n now when I share.

I tried to complain to the group about taking peoples inventories. I found that I couldn't hold the line of integrity because of the PTSD. I started to talk, and I could not put my heart into the present , because it wasn't home. I didn't have the strength to talk about what I needed to talk about. The PTSD line was over shadowing me... Its been this way all of my life. I don't know if it will ever go away... I think it will with practice.

Girls were staring at me. This is nothing new. What is new, is my awareness that its the PTSD is causing the direct problem for closeness. I could not get close to women because of the PTSD Dissociation. Its a black out hardcore bad situation. Something about women that triggers me back to teen years and before. It could be love and intimacy issues. Its horribly strong. I can feel it as I write. Whats important is; this can be overcome by dating women. Im at that point of understanding that something has to take the place of the PTSD. Something has to pull me out of me. Now, as for dealing with women. The best answer is another women. A women pulling, Its odd, Yet, I think its part of the answer. Im at this stage of recovery to understand this simple yet, hard solution. A relationship takes the place of the past relationship..

I will have to get rid of the Porn.

Ive been dealing with allot of Dumb-asses. Im looking forward to learning what I need to learn and moving on. Im around jealous judgmental people that think they are superior to me and that I am the dumb-ass and that I am a weakling. Its confusing and irritating at best. Im dealing with the middle American immaturity. And Im judged all the time about work issues. How can I have problems and still share at a meeting. This is OK, concerning the type of people Im dealing with. They are not trained to understand or deal with problems of the nature that I am dealing with.

Im at the point of venturing out to work activities. Not paid work, but to get involved in something that I really believe in or would like a career direction in. Yet, volunteer stuff in a field of real interest. My biggest fear is the people I have to work with. I am from the Psych class, not the middle class. At some-point I will be from both again.

The Forest has interest to me.
The hospitals and gift shops do not.
Im looking at doing something I really have an interest in... Or looking in that direction. Its a beginning proposition... or inquiry.

I cannot handle most of the problems of real work. Its impossible. My mind cannot stay present, and it slows way down when there is to much movement around me. I get over loaded very easily.
The anxiety part of the disorder is always with me. I am a PTSD pincushion. Everything gets turned into PTSD and anxiety, then if the trauma is to strong, dissociative disorder, And many other vast problems with the work world that I cannot handle.

Im looking to create an outside activity interest work... like getting involved in areas dealing with the local forests. Im a free ride mountain biker. I like trail and the mountains.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 44389 times

Who is online

Registered users: Aries411, Bing [Bot], birdsong87, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], MSN [Bot], NorthDBoy, sandal, Tyler, Wally58