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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (957)
- July 2019
Things continue to change
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:53 pm
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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Blog 78

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 26, 2012 4:04 am

At the meeting tonight. The topic was " better then lucky". I mentioned that Im as lucky as a lottery winner. My life has gotten steadily better since I started the 12 step program system. Ive been at it for 15 years.... Iv'e been a step work sponsor and have held a few responsible positions within the groups. Just a few. Im not interested in positions, I cant handle them with the PTSD.

I am frustrated. I am lucky , I am glad.

Im able to see the PTSD dissociative line when Im sitting with allot of people around me and in front of me.. Being around people is the key to recovery. It is hard work. Im around people that are addiction based, they are the last people to be sensitive about stuff. Most are getting off drugs, or have been off of them. They are dry drunks at times, I mean, its a hard core group. Some people are sociopaths... Yet, God brought me to the right group. Ive also had an alcohol problem. I tried to medicate my mental condition. Nothing new.... !!

The PTSD Dissociative line is that line between reality and the PTSD delusional world in my head. This line crossed right in the middle of my eye site. That is what it seems like. Im two places at once. blanked out.

When I share, Im not home. Im not present. I used to share for 15 minutes because I wasn't home. Now Im aware of the clock, and I try to keep it to 5 minutes. I will have to practice being home, in the here n now when I share.

I tried to complain to the group about taking peoples inventories. I found that I couldn't hold the line of integrity because of the PTSD. I started to talk, and I could not put my heart into the present , because it wasn't home. I didn't have the strength to talk about what I needed to talk about. The PTSD line was over shadowing me... Its been this way all of my life. I don't know if it will ever go away... I think it will with practice.

Girls were staring at me. This is nothing new. What is new, is my awareness that its the PTSD is causing the direct problem for closeness. I could not get close to women because of the PTSD Dissociation. Its a black out hardcore bad situation. Something about women that triggers me back to teen years and before. It could be love and intimacy issues. Its horribly strong. I can feel it as I write. Whats important is; this can be overcome by dating women. Im at that point of understanding that something has to take the place of the PTSD. Something has to pull me out of me. Now, as for dealing with women. The best answer is another women. A women pulling, Its odd, Yet, I think its part of the answer. Im at this stage of recovery to understand this simple yet, hard solution. A relationship takes the place of the past relationship..

I will have to get rid of the Porn.

Ive been dealing with allot of Dumb-asses. Im looking forward to learning what I need to learn and moving on. Im around jealous judgmental people that think they are superior to me and that I am the dumb-ass and that I am a weakling. Its confusing and irritating at best. Im dealing with the middle American immaturity. And Im judged all the time about work issues. How can I have problems and still share at a meeting. This is OK, concerning the type of people Im dealing with. They are not trained to understand or deal with problems of the nature that I am dealing with.

Im at the point of venturing out to work activities. Not paid work, but to get involved in something that I really believe in or would like a career direction in. Yet, volunteer stuff in a field of real interest. My biggest fear is the people I have to work with. I am from the Psych class, not the middle class. At some-point I will be from both again.

The Forest has interest to me.
The hospitals and gift shops do not.
Im looking at doing something I really have an interest in... Or looking in that direction. Its a beginning proposition... or inquiry.

I cannot handle most of the problems of real work. Its impossible. My mind cannot stay present, and it slows way down when there is to much movement around me. I get over loaded very easily.
The anxiety part of the disorder is always with me. I am a PTSD pincushion. Everything gets turned into PTSD and anxiety, then if the trauma is to strong, dissociative disorder, And many other vast problems with the work world that I cannot handle.

Im looking to create an outside activity interest work... like getting involved in areas dealing with the local forests. Im a free ride mountain biker. I like trail and the mountains.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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