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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Blog 78

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 26, 2012 4:04 am

At the meeting tonight. The topic was " better then lucky". I mentioned that Im as lucky as a lottery winner. My life has gotten steadily better since I started the 12 step program system. Ive been at it for 15 years.... Iv'e been a step work sponsor and have held a few responsible positions within the groups. Just a few. Im not interested in positions, I cant handle them with the PTSD.

I am frustrated. I am lucky , I am glad.

Im able to see the PTSD dissociative line when Im sitting with allot of people around me and in front of me.. Being around people is the key to recovery. It is hard work. Im around people that are addiction based, they are the last people to be sensitive about stuff. Most are getting off drugs, or have been off of them. They are dry drunks at times, I mean, its a hard core group. Some people are sociopaths... Yet, God brought me to the right group. Ive also had an alcohol problem. I tried to medicate my mental condition. Nothing new.... !!

The PTSD Dissociative line is that line between reality and the PTSD delusional world in my head. This line crossed right in the middle of my eye site. That is what it seems like. Im two places at once. blanked out.

When I share, Im not home. Im not present. I used to share for 15 minutes because I wasn't home. Now Im aware of the clock, and I try to keep it to 5 minutes. I will have to practice being home, in the here n now when I share.

I tried to complain to the group about taking peoples inventories. I found that I couldn't hold the line of integrity because of the PTSD. I started to talk, and I could not put my heart into the present , because it wasn't home. I didn't have the strength to talk about what I needed to talk about. The PTSD line was over shadowing me... Its been this way all of my life. I don't know if it will ever go away... I think it will with practice.

Girls were staring at me. This is nothing new. What is new, is my awareness that its the PTSD is causing the direct problem for closeness. I could not get close to women because of the PTSD Dissociation. Its a black out hardcore bad situation. Something about women that triggers me back to teen years and before. It could be love and intimacy issues. Its horribly strong. I can feel it as I write. Whats important is; this can be overcome by dating women. Im at that point of understanding that something has to take the place of the PTSD. Something has to pull me out of me. Now, as for dealing with women. The best answer is another women. A women pulling, Its odd, Yet, I think its part of the answer. Im at this stage of recovery to understand this simple yet, hard solution. A relationship takes the place of the past relationship..

I will have to get rid of the Porn.

Ive been dealing with allot of Dumb-asses. Im looking forward to learning what I need to learn and moving on. Im around jealous judgmental people that think they are superior to me and that I am the dumb-ass and that I am a weakling. Its confusing and irritating at best. Im dealing with the middle American immaturity. And Im judged all the time about work issues. How can I have problems and still share at a meeting. This is OK, concerning the type of people Im dealing with. They are not trained to understand or deal with problems of the nature that I am dealing with.

Im at the point of venturing out to work activities. Not paid work, but to get involved in something that I really believe in or would like a career direction in. Yet, volunteer stuff in a field of real interest. My biggest fear is the people I have to work with. I am from the Psych class, not the middle class. At some-point I will be from both again.

The Forest has interest to me.
The hospitals and gift shops do not.
Im looking at doing something I really have an interest in... Or looking in that direction. Its a beginning proposition... or inquiry.

I cannot handle most of the problems of real work. Its impossible. My mind cannot stay present, and it slows way down when there is to much movement around me. I get over loaded very easily.
The anxiety part of the disorder is always with me. I am a PTSD pincushion. Everything gets turned into PTSD and anxiety, then if the trauma is to strong, dissociative disorder, And many other vast problems with the work world that I cannot handle.

Im looking to create an outside activity interest work... like getting involved in areas dealing with the local forests. Im a free ride mountain biker. I like trail and the mountains.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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