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OMNICELL
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Blog 73: relationship consciousness

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jun 07, 2012 10:59 pm

I was hanging out with people that hated me.. I have to make sure in the future how not to do that.

I never knew; its freaky to look back on it now.. I walked into a den of black widows and never knew it. I even tried to rescue some of the black widows. I must have been crazy. They weren't my people. I was out of my league. I was out of my head. I was living in fantasy land. I was legally delusional.

I need to understand what happened and make sure it never happens again. I have to make sure I don't get seduced by money, or big houses or boats or big names again. I really got seduced and caught up in the big name thing. The families with the big names, families that had money. I thought I was worth it. I didn't have anything, and it would be made very clear and very abruptly that I had nothing, and that it was time for me to leave. That my heart had no value, or its love for anyone from these families. it was a horror show for me. I don't ever want that to happen again. I valued myself with someone else's outsides. I cannot allow that to happen again.!

I felt that my worth was weighed in gold. real Gold!, I was a quick entertainment to these high echelons. The real me had no value to anyone. I was the biggest laughing-stalk. I did know I was being made a fool of.

Im going to have to rethink what I judge has important and what is not important. Iv'e learned that high economic are something I don't have, therefore its better to stay away. To many people are turncoats.

I went to each person for friendship. They never sought me out. Not one. I promoted myself. It was never attraction.. Ive learned the difference.

I thought I found nice people. None are nice!.. I have to learn what discernment is...!

Some of these relationships went on for months and years, all false. I was being used, I was being hated at the time and didnt know it.

I will talk it over with my therapist!!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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