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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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BLog 71 Transformation

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu May 31, 2012 5:46 pm

Im a 12 year old that wants a Coleman lantern; to go into the woods for the first time and experience new things, the woods, camping.

I am a new creature. The old is Gone, or disappearing. I will resume where I left off.

Im looking at punk names, death names, Goth names, crasher names, Buda, Im looking at cemetery fixtures..

Im looking at the theme for Halloween.

Im looking for the theme for my music direction, costumes, band names. videos.

Ive taken an interest in lyrics.. This is the hardest part, that and dancing. I suppose I can call it dancing, I would call it an intro to dancing, a warm up. I don't know how to dance, I have a few broken moves

Im looking at drum sets to play live, and other equipment. Im looking at story telling in front of the audience.

Im looking at my age.. Im 50 years old. how am I going to pull this off. Ive thought of younger people for the front man work, I can be the creator, yet on stage a more minor player. I don't know. That is what is great about drums, one can hide there.

Im getting stronger. Not strong enough to let go of the therapist. Strong enough to be in the world, and stay out there for awhile.. Yet, its still like being hit with a flame thrower. Im half traumatized when I wake up, the outside world hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how to fight back yet, in this political world. Its all politics.

I never wanted to come back to this place, this world, its hasn't changed.. Im a bit more intelligent and couscous of who I associate with and what power I give. When to run, when to fight... More running I think is appropriate. Even the cops are sick out here. They could use 12 step meetings more then me.

Im just practicing, meaning, I can mow a few lawns, practice drumming for a few minutes, lift a few weights, go to a meeting, go to the church.. Go to the store.

this is a step up from before... Before, everything was in my head... Now Im a bit more chancy in the outside world... Ive created more safe areas that I can attempt participation. Its a start. Its like walking outside of the mental hospital on my own and finding small things during the day to participate in....

My activities are equal to a 12 year old running at dissociative speed. .. Still, not very strong; little to no relationships. relationships are the king of interaction.. Interaction is the enemy of dissociative Disorder. Interaction is where the damage occurs; Way to much triggering of PTSD... Way to much... Im moving forward. Im moving forward without the old family system. I was never able to handle that emotionally. Im not sure if I will break at some point. I don't know.!

dealing with people is a hazarded business... They can be friendly, they can tear your arms off in a second. Its hard to use the general public as therapeutic mattress. They don't play soft. Most take advantage of what I say, they turn it back on me... I get crucified. The public doesn't care how it treats me.. They are not interested in human beings or human stuff. Its enough to drive someone to hang themselves..

Im not into hanging myself today. Instead of hanging myself I wait, Im not fooled by this lie called society. Im attempting to learn to save myself that I not be eat'n alive.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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