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OMNICELL
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Blog 70 entrance

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 30, 2012 5:30 am

I was riding home from mens bible study. Well, after the bible study, I played drums at the church. I have a steady gig there, Very cool, perfect for one living in the apartment seen. However, no air conditioning or heat for me. O well, thats the way it goes.

My mind is weak. Very weak. I have heal'd a bit. I push things. Im trying. I'm doing the best I can. My mind was ripped apart long ago and my diagnosis was death. Death to me, a very long time ago. I held on. I held on so long, my therapists were shocked that I was still alive in the state they first worked with me. I was a complete sociopath.. Hmm, thats not true; I was a vampire with a conscious.

Im better now. What does that mean? The child in me wants my parents, wants to go home. What do I tell him. How do I explain to the child in me that I was demoralized and thrown away permanently, for ever. How will the child in me ever trust this worthless world and its people ever again. It wasn't just the family system that destroyed me; rape, murder, abandonment. It was the whole community.

The goal is to get stronger. When Im stronger I carry the rest of me to safe places. Im afraid of what I have to face; my past, its to much for any human to face. The demoralization that occurred in my life is to much for me. Its to sad a thing. My inner self has already been tortured to the point of complete demoralized dissociation, how much more am I expected to deal with... Its been like a prison camp; my life! my mind has no strength; nothing. However, I have strength, Im stronger, I have God. God is carrying me.

People have no idea what it is like to be me. No one asks, no one cares. I get judged. That is all I get. " if he can speak at a 12 step meeting, he should get a job", "who is he, why does he still have problems". I hate this society. I hate it with all of my ######6 passion. I don't hate all the people. I love certain people, people like myself that are real. I ######6 detest the others. I dissociated every-time around the others; those that are so stupid, they think there little world is secure. I do not like over confidence. I would rather be around the people that know the pink elephant is in the room.

I need to find people to talk to that see the pink elephant is in the room. Im around people that deny the pink elephant is in the room when they know and I know the pink elephant is in the room. I want to talk about the pink elephant in the room and dissect its philosophical meanings.

At some point I would like to bring a girl ( women into my life). Getting women is not the problem. Im scared livid of the horror shock of someone rejecting me because of my Psych life style. I don't know what to think. Should I only date Psycho's; those of the Psych world.

If she looks on my computer, will she find the 10;s of thousands of porno sites. 10;s of millions and trillions of porno sites I look at in a one hours time..

My apartment is so messy, I hate washing cloths.

I feel like a big looser to the outside world. Im lucky to be alive, my life has been extended, yet, who in the Normi world will care? Who in the Normi world will appreciate someone like me.

Women like me, they like the way I look. Im scared to death of this. What happens when they find out whats underneath the looks. That Im a freak, I have the maturity of a 12 year old! What then!

I've had Normi's think Im antisocial, they have no idea what is going on. When they find out I have a stunted life style, will they stay with me or run away. I have no future with someone, not financially.

Its all very humiliating and depressing.

My music is coming back to me, I've been practicing, However, Im mad that my original life was taken from me. If I had the ability at an early age to develop, I would have been an actor and play-write. I can still do these things, However, Im mad that my life and talents were destroyed by jealous sadistic people.

At 50 years old, Im starting to be artistic again. Thats fine, Im a bit mad that my life was stolen from me...!!, I never planned this to happen. My life disappeared as if it never existed, and I disappeared with it.

I still have great memory problems.... I remember age 9, and I remember now. The rest is dissociative.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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