Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1751)
Archives
- March 2024
A gift from God #2
   Sat Mar 16, 2024 9:21 pm
The Gift from God…
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 5:29 pm
2 goals; elements of accomplishment
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 1:41 pm
Work Ethic is Needed Please
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 4:46 am
Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

+ February 2024
+ January 2024
+ December 2023
+ November 2023
+ October 2023
+ September 2023
+ August 2023
+ July 2023
+ June 2023
+ May 2023
+ April 2023
+ March 2023
+ February 2023
+ January 2023
+ December 2022
+ November 2022
+ October 2022
+ September 2022
+ August 2022
+ July 2022
+ June 2022
+ May 2022
+ April 2022
+ March 2022
+ February 2022
+ January 2022
+ December 2021
+ November 2021
+ October 2021
+ September 2021
+ August 2021
+ July 2021
+ June 2021
+ May 2021
+ April 2021
+ March 2021
+ February 2021
+ January 2021
+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Blog 70 entrance

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 30, 2012 5:30 am

I was riding home from mens bible study. Well, after the bible study, I played drums at the church. I have a steady gig there, Very cool, perfect for one living in the apartment seen. However, no air conditioning or heat for me. O well, thats the way it goes.

My mind is weak. Very weak. I have heal'd a bit. I push things. Im trying. I'm doing the best I can. My mind was ripped apart long ago and my diagnosis was death. Death to me, a very long time ago. I held on. I held on so long, my therapists were shocked that I was still alive in the state they first worked with me. I was a complete sociopath.. Hmm, thats not true; I was a vampire with a conscious.

Im better now. What does that mean? The child in me wants my parents, wants to go home. What do I tell him. How do I explain to the child in me that I was demoralized and thrown away permanently, for ever. How will the child in me ever trust this worthless world and its people ever again. It wasn't just the family system that destroyed me; rape, murder, abandonment. It was the whole community.

The goal is to get stronger. When Im stronger I carry the rest of me to safe places. Im afraid of what I have to face; my past, its to much for any human to face. The demoralization that occurred in my life is to much for me. Its to sad a thing. My inner self has already been tortured to the point of complete demoralized dissociation, how much more am I expected to deal with... Its been like a prison camp; my life! my mind has no strength; nothing. However, I have strength, Im stronger, I have God. God is carrying me.

People have no idea what it is like to be me. No one asks, no one cares. I get judged. That is all I get. " if he can speak at a 12 step meeting, he should get a job", "who is he, why does he still have problems". I hate this society. I hate it with all of my ######6 passion. I don't hate all the people. I love certain people, people like myself that are real. I ######6 detest the others. I dissociated every-time around the others; those that are so stupid, they think there little world is secure. I do not like over confidence. I would rather be around the people that know the pink elephant is in the room.

I need to find people to talk to that see the pink elephant is in the room. Im around people that deny the pink elephant is in the room when they know and I know the pink elephant is in the room. I want to talk about the pink elephant in the room and dissect its philosophical meanings.

At some point I would like to bring a girl ( women into my life). Getting women is not the problem. Im scared livid of the horror shock of someone rejecting me because of my Psych life style. I don't know what to think. Should I only date Psycho's; those of the Psych world.

If she looks on my computer, will she find the 10;s of thousands of porno sites. 10;s of millions and trillions of porno sites I look at in a one hours time..

My apartment is so messy, I hate washing cloths.

I feel like a big looser to the outside world. Im lucky to be alive, my life has been extended, yet, who in the Normi world will care? Who in the Normi world will appreciate someone like me.

Women like me, they like the way I look. Im scared to death of this. What happens when they find out whats underneath the looks. That Im a freak, I have the maturity of a 12 year old! What then!

I've had Normi's think Im antisocial, they have no idea what is going on. When they find out I have a stunted life style, will they stay with me or run away. I have no future with someone, not financially.

Its all very humiliating and depressing.

My music is coming back to me, I've been practicing, However, Im mad that my original life was taken from me. If I had the ability at an early age to develop, I would have been an actor and play-write. I can still do these things, However, Im mad that my life and talents were destroyed by jealous sadistic people.

At 50 years old, Im starting to be artistic again. Thats fine, Im a bit mad that my life was stolen from me...!!, I never planned this to happen. My life disappeared as if it never existed, and I disappeared with it.

I still have great memory problems.... I remember age 9, and I remember now. The rest is dissociative.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 15893 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher