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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/blog_60_continuing_the_slow_healing_discovery_b-2642_sid-e9572003b0d964b44434cd445e745e2c.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sun May 06, 2012 5:09 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Blog 60 Continuing/ the slow healing discovery |
I am healing from Dissociative disorder; I am not healed. I was 100% disabled. Many therapists were baffled by this diagnosis. Good therapists are different then the general therapists. Those just out of grad school are fine, However, these new graduates work better with generalized medicated clients of the the state system. Those with specific needs and specific diagnosis must find a new home. Private therapy can a better thing; the therapist takes a personal interest in the client. Having enough common sense to point diagnosis in the right direction; the patient will progress. I am healing; The group of therapists or the center I received therapy had a question. " How did he stay alive". I was lucky to be alive. ITs a bit humorous now. The CPTSD levels were so high for so long, I was equal to a schizophrenic. My mind was torched, destroyed, melted down. My nervous system was shut off. I had no memories. I had complete dissociative amnesia; 100%. This is a bit different then the Hollywood version of amnesia. One knows they are alive, I was born?. My mind would not connect to any part of me, I could not remember anything until a few years ago. D.I.D was very strong at that time. I had many complaints from fellow 12 step people. I was described as a ghost or a shadow man, that when I spoke, although I gave out information, I never talked about anything specific associated with self or my past private life. I spoke in riddles, I had no past; I would not tell them why! My life was destroyed and God resurrected me from the walking dead. I could not remember anything. I could not remember nor did I understand that I could not remember that I could not remember or understand. I was a strange shallow entity with no depth or history; a nowhere man! I felt safe being locked up in self. Death raddled, I raddled with it. Long sleep, the only safety. Things are different now: Im much better from the more severe levels of dissociative disorder. Those conditions that appear like schizophrenia are much less in nature. I have 200 other symptoms to deal with; not an easy path. My mind is permanently damaged or ruptured. My nervous system can feel again, yet its on fire all the time, and the PTSD is greatly active. My levels of anxiety are so high, I stay in the apartment all day and look for relief. However, Im used to all of this. Unfortunately no one else understands any of this, meaning the locals. They don't think, they judge. They think Im a highly intelligent person that is exceptionally immature that wont get a job. Its either a blessing or a curse, this little town God brought me to; this little town I survive in.. ITs been hard! Yet, the ignorance level of the general populous in my cultural present experience has allowed a strange halo effect of safety. When people think your the village idiot, or severally immature, they leave you alone. Although isolation sickness sets in; lonely can be a good thing. I will have hardcore memories; I will feel, deal, and heal. Iv'e been protected from the memories for 35 years. Memories wake up!. I may have to be someone else in-order to retract those "other" memory. Memories of others that hurt me in cold blood will not be easy to deal with. I have forgiven those involved. However, I will connect to those memories, feel them and grieve them. Today, I practice drums. I might become a professional drummer. I don't know.. I really don't know. What would that be like. |
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