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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/blog_59_creepy_frustrations_b-2634_sid-0e32688b86253cc60e611990c6bd2e80.html

Author:  OMNICELL [ Thu May 03, 2012 11:51 pm ]
Blog Subject:  Blog 59 Creepy Frustrations

I have this creepy sick feeling like Im not alone. Like no matter what direction I end-up roaming in, Im not alone, someone is following me, looking over my shoulder, spying on me. I think this is anxiety/alter. Something is wrong. Im not right, Im not flying strait. Im not being honest with myself. I don't know how to fix it.

What do I need. What am I avoiding. Its all dissociative. I think Im doing the right thing; I can feel it, its the wrong thing. What am I doing wrong. What am I doing right?
Who's running me. Feel safe; that I have defeated death. Yet, Im heading strait for death. I feel like Iv'e been cheated out of my life.

I cheat myself when I hang out with people of lesser quality then I am, expecting them to worship the ground I walk on. I end up getting trampled to death. This situation is now being questioned. What do I do. Iv'e had several people flit there mouths off to me in a most unfavored way. I could have killed them, Im a honorable man. I will kill who disrespects my space. However, I do not live in a society that will allow this. It is not worth the hunt. One has to grow beyond war; no reasonable long term answer can be found in war. Another solution to war is maturity and experience. The ability to respond and walk away. The words thrown at me are fighting words; words of disrespect. On any other continent or land, they would be dead by my axe. Im sorry my country has fallen to this; a place of disrespect and corruption.

Im in the middle period. A period of coming back. I have a severe anxiety disorder, that is what dissociative disorder is. As I get better, it turns more and more into its original state; that of anxiety disorder. The anxiety machine is still present, its not spitting out as much. My mind will be damaged for ever. However, other parts of the mind heal, and take over for the damaged areas. My mind is way broken, yet more and more of me is taking over again and wanting and learning to live again. Its all a new journey that will start very shortly.

I will never see my parents again.. Why would they let me die. Why would they kill me like this. Why. I have that answer. The bigger answer of understanding.. The emotional answer will not be answered. My parents are sociopaths. That is the answer.

I forgive all people. I pray they have everything I could ever want in this life.

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People are strange in my country. They can be spoiled, immature and in a dream fantasy world. Concerning the conditions of those beyond the boarders; how the rest of the world has to live, my people have no clue. yet, they are the most neglected and thrown away of all. My people endure psychological abandonment at levels that would kill the average person of a lesser country. How the people in my country survive, meaning, having a reason to survive, or having a reason to continue living, is beyond me.

What a horribly strange mix this is; to be spoiled and neglected and abandon at the same time, And Im attempting to live with my people and get this disfigurement worked out. Worked out for myself, not others. Im not interested in others who are not interested in the greater good of the general condition. In a sense, Im just trying to go outside and survive. This game will continue.

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