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OMNICELL
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Blog 56: A closer look: A double life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Apr 23, 2012 4:32 am

Take what you like and leave the rest. I use this blog to help release the pain and secrets built up from mental illness.

Im only as sick as my secrets!.

Just got back from the mission. Running low on money. Grateful there is a place to eat.

Feel like a Hobo; like the year of homeliness I endured and the stay in the park talking to the trees; a rough experience, wasn't enough> Hmm... That was a long time ago.

EBT card is low. Walmart took out the self checkout. I don't like running a food stamp card to the checkers, Im to embarrassed.

Social phobia is alive and well in the outside world.

My small apartment is thrashed again, that didn't take long. This usually happens when symptoms are up. I feel aloof, like a loft in Paris with easel and canvas, In denial, I imagine Im living the bohemian life style. I could never invite anyone over. They would never come back.

My self worth is nothing. That is why I have such a hard time with people. Yet, I know Im worth a great deal. If that isn't DBT, I don't know what is.

----------------------------------------------------

In my room with the computer screen as the only light, as I lay down in the corner on an old cushion fusion pillow floor bed, the computer and I are one. On the computer I can be who ever I want to be. I am safe to be the better me.
In the real world I am nothing. Im a shadow on a bicycle going to the mission to eat. I escape alone, I return alone. I am a fantasy illusion.

I am the King of 12 step meetings. I get two messages: " If you can speak, why aren't you working" and " Why do you still have problems. How long have you been here?". ###$ them. ######6 Pu##ies.

I do not feel safe around people. I do not like them. I don't!. I feel like most of them are low self esteem recipients lying/hiding behind fake material facades. Seems like so many have altered motives.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing changes;

My biggest problem with social experience: I cannot come to grips with my endless poverty. I cannot come to grips with the judgement of others that see nothing of character direction. These people are viewing from a distance; They judge according to outside appearance. And Im not talking about therapists or the mental health system, Im talking about people with the same potential I have.

At times I feel Im doing well. Then I realize; thats on the computer. When I go outside into the real world. I cant function and I have no status to speak of with anyone. Im almost completely alone.

The real world is an electric fence I cannot compete against.

Im in a kind of denial. Like a King sitting on a thrown in a gutter of a lonely big city street. Sitting in a fantasy. Telling those that pass by how superior I am to everyone. They look the other direction in contempt and walk away as fast as possible, Thus , I remain alone and bewildered.

I forget about reality. I forget about the honest easement of my condition. I forget about who I am in the outside world. Im attempting to get back to Zero.

What determines my worth. God/myself. Is this enough!

-------------------------------------------------------
2 years ago:

I studied attraction techniques, I became quite proficient at it. How to dress, clean up, what shoes, what bling bling to wear. How to hold myself in a group of people. how to talk,how to walk, how to emote, how to work a room.
I created a giant front of interest from several small hordes of women. It worked!.
The actual goal was not dating. The goal was to brake through the dissociative barrier in order to interact with people. After praying about it, God brought me a goal. The carrot on the stick of interest. Women! Women indirectly saved my dissociative life.

A young women took interest in me. She was sensitive and unique and beautiful. I could see the small girl in her looking at me, wanting me to take her. She chased after me twice. In two, 4 month periods.
I could create attraction from a distance. I could not talk to anyone. I was to dissociative. She tried to talk to me. She tried very hard. She finally gave up and went out with the main stud in the room. I was of no interest anymore. I was looked upon with contempt as being a weirdo and a weakling. I tried the best I could. I really did. I really appreciated that girl for noticing me. I fell deeply in love with her. I wish I could have known her. Status blocked any further association with her. It has been made clear; I am of no importance in that direction.

What good was it to put on this act. all of those suits and sweaters and expensive shoes, and that expensive attitude. I could not back it up. I attracted all the women I could have wanted. Yet, I was no further then before. I was no more then a HOBO wearing nice clothing. This poverty remained. The poverty freaked me out.

I could not let someone into my poverty life, Not with all the porno, all the freaky behavior of dissociation. The disaster wreckage apartment. Yet, it was more then that. I was afraid A women would think I was a looser and leave. I cant defend against that. I cant defend someone thinking Im a looser based on outside accomplishment, or lack of.


I continue to pray and contemplate my next move.

Next morning:

The first thing Im thinking about is:

1. work issues
2. women: I see women leaving me. Looking at me as an opportunity that falls through. When she realizes there is no money. She's gone.
3. The past: When I try to move forward, I see a past that was ripped away from me. They tried to kill me. It almost worked. They erased everything about my life. About my way of life. Thus is growing up with the sociopath. Dealing with PTSD memories.
4. drumming and other things I like to do. Brings up lots of PTSD issues, like every other topic.
5. To lesser extent and still an important subject, friendship. Friendship is that thing that keeps me out of loneliness. I have found that I can have all the hobbies in the world; no friends = no happiness. Loneliness kills everything, and kills the purpose.

I know people that wont hangout with me, be my friend simply to create torture. They know I need a friend for the right reason, that I not be alone. Its a power thing for people. They use it as a weapon against people. Against decent people.

Those are the main issues. My blogs head towards these things to scope at greater detail.
Last edited by OMNICELL on Mon Apr 23, 2012 3:00 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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