Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1138)
- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Blog 50

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:14 am

Im a bit shaky today...

Long Blog, I will paraphrase:

Who am I in the scheme of things. Why am I so alone all the time. Misunderstood all the time. Im a decent person, yet, I have no real friends. Nothing. Its very difficult and strange. I know the intellectual answers, thats not what Im asking. I am afraid of rejection from people, simply because they have the power. No one has to accept me or like me. Because of this stress, I stay in a controlled dream world, a safer place. A more lonely place.
The answer is God and courage and letting go of the outcome. I cannot control others. Nor can I afford to get involved with individuals or groups if they flake on me all the time. I have to learn to get my needs met from God and help others... I feel so worthless to the world, like I have no value...

I have been reaching out lately. I have been doing what Ive said Im going to do. It is hard, terrifying. It is stressful. I have not gotten rejected yet. I have made new acquaintance. They come and go, I am not of there most important thoughts. One has to let go of the outcome, keep plugging away at it.


Blog 50

Dealing with others: Some of the girls in my meetings look "O" so Yummy! I know when girls like me. They start show'n up around me. I know how girls are... YEt I get intimidated. They look so good... I was just fantasizing about them, Now their staring me down.. And so young, not all, not that it matters. Everything is legal, but its close... Girls are girls, older girl-women are still women-girls. ( is this real or fantasy, as the Queen song would say). I don't know what people think of me. Until I do, Im dreaming or guessing or fantasizing, Nothing more. When I ask someone out, I will know.

Im to immature to date.. Im not at that point. The mental illness took its toll on me, especially dealing with maturity and relationships... The PTSD is what Im married to, or martyred , murdered to.

I want all those girls, yet Im afraid. Im afraid they will know Im thinking bad things. Women have power over me, Im not sure how to describe it. They hypnotize me... Im taken by them. Im left floating like a soap flake.

Man must approach a women. He has to... Man has to build status and attraction.. He must, or no go. I will practice saying hello, Just saying hello and leaving. Im so close to doing this. Im still to dissociative. Im getting better. Im getting closer. So close. Its about being afraid of rejection. Yet, Im finding the girls, other people are scared just like me. Scared of this life. They just put up such a big act.. It scares me, the rejection front they put on. Im wondering why I should bother to play this game if they are dishonest to start with. Its all confusing for me... I guess a person takes their chances. Its that simple. When I stop being a puss, things will get better, Ill get some action..

Im scared to death about the porn... Im not sure. its not the porn, its the girls reactions to it. Not just "it", but more then "it". Her reactions to allot of things that may not make sense to a normal girl. Im frightened that I will frighten her away... more, that I would have to change. HMmm..... I want my cave... Its mine. Its safe..

Biggest problems: My apartment is a working art of destruction. I can evaluate my mental condition on my apartments condition. Usually when my apartment is thrashed, it means Im going through mental tribulation. I cannot react to things, or interact to things. I am not present. I do not control it. I cant control it.

I cannot will myself into a new way of thinking. My thinking is plagued by the atrocities I saw, witnessed and was ran through,. different forms of torture leave their marks, they have left me crippled. My mind is weak, very weak. Its a good mind, a nice mind. Well, that all depends on who is occupying it. Death leaves its mark. Human degradation and suffocation leave there marks. Im plagued by this side of self. I am under its control.


In my apartment when Im talking to myself in the merrier. I imagine that I am being interviewed by a Corresponded from the BBC concerning my opinions of the war. What ever war it might be. In this state, I am the senator. brilliant and intelligent. Every word I use is listened to and hovered over by the on looking audience created in my imagination. I am asked if I will run for president. I respond by saying, " How can I", With the Mount of porn Ive viewed, the fact Im dyslexic, I cant spell my last name, and that Ive been Psychiatric most of my life, How can I run for President. The opponents would have a field day." The BBC interview " Scott Reynolds", laughs as we agree, then begins the ending ritual of breaking down his microphone equipment to end the recording session.
In this state Im more the independent me, the Senator, the intelligent me. Alas, When I go outside, I turn into a teenager personality. Immature. I forget once again who I am..


On the + side; I lucked out on a piece of music composition software. I was able to figure out how to highjack the sound and record it. This is of great relief and has cooled some levels of frustration and anxiety.

About 8 at night.: Feeling a bit of mental pain..
Im alone most of the time, its horrible in away. Im a decent person. No one is interested. ITs horrible and despicable.. Hmmm.... I will keep praying.
I bit suicidal today: Brain is weak today. Very weak. It feels like a small child alone and in trouble, with no one around. And no one ever shows up. Its a strange empty feeling, one just wants to kill themselves... Lay down and die and not wake up. Whats the point. Depravity and endless aloneness.
I feel so cheap at times relying on the internet people for human contact. I feel like an idiot. I feel needy and helpless. Its horrible.. Its like being desperate, disappreciated or something... ###$... is this all Im worth.. Im not worth anything to anyone. Not really? If I stay to myself I cant get hurt again and again and again and again and again and again and again..

Attitude is everything, courage helps.....
Last edited by OMNICELL on Thu Apr 12, 2012 3:17 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 41718 times

Who is online

Registered users: Allcoulors, ArbreMonde, belinda123, Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, LucyMac, Majestic-12 [Bot], NewSunRising, paxcorpus, renegadex