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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1031
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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re changing the present
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Working out of it; the struggle continues
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Blog 50

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:14 am

Im a bit shaky today...

Long Blog, I will paraphrase:

Who am I in the scheme of things. Why am I so alone all the time. Misunderstood all the time. Im a decent person, yet, I have no real friends. Nothing. Its very difficult and strange. I know the intellectual answers, thats not what Im asking. I am afraid of rejection from people, simply because they have the power. No one has to accept me or like me. Because of this stress, I stay in a controlled dream world, a safer place. A more lonely place.
The answer is God and courage and letting go of the outcome. I cannot control others. Nor can I afford to get involved with individuals or groups if they flake on me all the time. I have to learn to get my needs met from God and help others... I feel so worthless to the world, like I have no value...

I have been reaching out lately. I have been doing what Ive said Im going to do. It is hard, terrifying. It is stressful. I have not gotten rejected yet. I have made new acquaintance. They come and go, I am not of there most important thoughts. One has to let go of the outcome, keep plugging away at it.




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Blog 50

Dealing with others: Some of the girls in my meetings look "O" so Yummy! I know when girls like me. They start show'n up around me. I know how girls are... YEt I get intimidated. They look so good... I was just fantasizing about them, Now their staring me down.. And so young, not all, not that it matters. Everything is legal, but its close... Girls are girls, older girl-women are still women-girls. ( is this real or fantasy, as the Queen song would say). I don't know what people think of me. Until I do, Im dreaming or guessing or fantasizing, Nothing more. When I ask someone out, I will know.

Im to immature to date.. Im not at that point. The mental illness took its toll on me, especially dealing with maturity and relationships... The PTSD is what Im married to, or martyred , murdered to.

I want all those girls, yet Im afraid. Im afraid they will know Im thinking bad things. Women have power over me, Im not sure how to describe it. They hypnotize me... Im taken by them. Im left floating like a soap flake.

Man must approach a women. He has to... Man has to build status and attraction.. He must, or no go. I will practice saying hello, Just saying hello and leaving. Im so close to doing this. Im still to dissociative. Im getting better. Im getting closer. So close. Its about being afraid of rejection. Yet, Im finding the girls, other people are scared just like me. Scared of this life. They just put up such a big act.. It scares me, the rejection front they put on. Im wondering why I should bother to play this game if they are dishonest to start with. Its all confusing for me... I guess a person takes their chances. Its that simple. When I stop being a puss, things will get better, Ill get some action..

Im scared to death about the porn... Im not sure. its not the porn, its the girls reactions to it. Not just "it", but more then "it". Her reactions to allot of things that may not make sense to a normal girl. Im frightened that I will frighten her away... more, that I would have to change. HMmm..... I want my cave... Its mine. Its safe..

Biggest problems: My apartment is a working art of destruction. I can evaluate my mental condition on my apartments condition. Usually when my apartment is thrashed, it means Im going through mental tribulation. I cannot react to things, or interact to things. I am not present. I do not control it. I cant control it.

I cannot will myself into a new way of thinking. My thinking is plagued by the atrocities I saw, witnessed and was ran through,. different forms of torture leave their marks, they have left me crippled. My mind is weak, very weak. Its a good mind, a nice mind. Well, that all depends on who is occupying it. Death leaves its mark. Human degradation and suffocation leave there marks. Im plagued by this side of self. I am under its control.

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In my apartment when Im talking to myself in the merrier. I imagine that I am being interviewed by a Corresponded from the BBC concerning my opinions of the war. What ever war it might be. In this state, I am the senator. brilliant and intelligent. Every word I use is listened to and hovered over by the on looking audience created in my imagination. I am asked if I will run for president. I respond by saying, " How can I", With the Mount of porn Ive viewed, the fact Im dyslexic, I cant spell my last name, and that Ive been Psychiatric most of my life, How can I run for President. The opponents would have a field day." The BBC interview " Scott Reynolds", laughs as we agree, then begins the ending ritual of breaking down his microphone equipment to end the recording session.
In this state Im more the independent me, the Senator, the intelligent me. Alas, When I go outside, I turn into a teenager personality. Immature. I forget once again who I am..

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On the + side; I lucked out on a piece of music composition software. I was able to figure out how to highjack the sound and record it. This is of great relief and has cooled some levels of frustration and anxiety.

About 8 at night.: Feeling a bit of mental pain..
Im alone most of the time, its horrible in away. Im a decent person. No one is interested. ITs horrible and despicable.. Hmmm.... I will keep praying.
I bit suicidal today: Brain is weak today. Very weak. It feels like a small child alone and in trouble, with no one around. And no one ever shows up. Its a strange empty feeling, one just wants to kill themselves... Lay down and die and not wake up. Whats the point. Depravity and endless aloneness.
I feel so cheap at times relying on the internet people for human contact. I feel like an idiot. I feel needy and helpless. Its horrible.. Its like being desperate, disappreciated or something... ###$... is this all Im worth.. Im not worth anything to anyone. Not really? If I stay to myself I cant get hurt again and again and again and again and again and again and again..

Attitude is everything, courage helps.....
Last edited by OMNICELL on Thu Apr 12, 2012 3:17 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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