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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Blog 49

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:41 am

I was at a meeting tonight, Im always assessing my condition when around others. Specifically around others in close proximity. How many people are in the room?

I had a very good assessment of things tonight!

1. Still, great problems when physically close to people. Well, I can sit by them, interacting with them is a problem. If anyone is none accepting of me or aggressive I shut down dissociatively. Im a bit stronger then I used to be. I would mention as well, that people dealing with such severities as dissociative disorder, agoraphobia, avoidance anxiety, depression learn the hard way to fake it through things as best as possible. This may be a loosing proposition, yet one attempts it. Things are better now. Im stronger, and healing.

2. The room in general:

Tonight, around 40 people crowded into a large upper room of an old brick church. I found a seat in the back, makes it easier to track people. I need to track people to feel safe. Lots of visual and audio noise.. I was OK..

3. Personal contact: this is a great problem as I give off defensive signals when people are smiling at me to say hello. Im freaked so Im not friendly. I smile that none trusting look smile. Or I hesitate around people giving off a signal of mistrust to others. It hurts. Im used to it. Its what I go through to get the recovery I need. And slowly I get the recovery I need. I am healing.
---------------------

General condition"
not bad.... considering...

1. Dealing with severe PTSD more then dissociation at this point. THis is a huge thing...

2. Not passing out anymore when switching personalities.. However, Im switching personalities. Its wild. Ive gone through 6 different personalities with different memory systems in the last several days. Each personality has its strong points and memory systems that I had not remembered. Yet, each personality was missing something from the other fragmented personalities. So each personality was incomplete.

ITs like falling into slots. Each personalty would fall into the correct slot for an allotted amount of time. Then would move on. The next personality would jump into that vacant slot and taker over for its allotted time. And on and on it goes.. after 6 different personalities coming and going, Im exhausted from it.. Im OK. This is a healing experience. No Passing out. that is the great thing. This was done in the open. I would change on the spot into another part of me. I could watch it happening.. Its a very strange and unique thing to go through. Well, Im not allowed to be present at that extreme moment of change. Very close tho. I am improving , I am healing...

Social avoidance anxiety plays a huge roll in my social expression ineptness. As I come back together, this is very subtly fading. Ever in very small increments, I am getting better. Im healing
-------------------

I am the nicest guy in the world. Thats what I used to be. I was a major target as well. I was ruined and destroyed because of my innocence. I was simply brutally raped, murdered tortured and abandoned in 100 different ways, and permanently thrown away for ever.. From ritualistic abuse when I was small, to more sophisticated humiliations of social forced isolation when older, either way, Ive died a thousand deaths... However, at this point. Im back.!!!

-----------------------------

FACE-BOOK:

I said I would never go back to that ######6 place ever again. I hate Facebook and the whole concept of a pseudo human plastic reality experience.

All of those false friends that want to be my friends. All of those popular people in my high school that could care less who I was, Now, flaunting their pictures in front of me, wanting me to contact them that they gain social status and positioning by one more rank-mark on the FB checkerboard. No Thanks, it makes me sick...
The last time I was on face book, I closed off my account. I ended up with three friends, people I thought were real, genuine people. I finally closed the account out.

Now Im feeling a bit different about it. As long as the friend requests are real, and for a real purpose or reason, I am ok with that. And it is fun to decorate ones page.
I have all these weird pictures of myself from my music creation days. About 3 to 4 years ago I took pictures for another site. I don't have any newer pictures of myself for Facebook. I will have to create more.
Its a bit embarrassing not having pictures with someone else. They are all me. all pictures of myself alone. It feels odd.. Iike Im not wanted by people.. That this indicates Im a weird loner. Or, Im not good enough a human being to have friends. Its a bit heart braking... Its Ok I guess....

So, Facebook is turning out to be a good thing. And a bit therapeutic in a good way I think...
Last edited by OMNICELL on Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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