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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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blog 48

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:46 am

Im doing better.

Im feeling better about myself. Im still extremely dysfunctional. Its a bit of a let -down. I was hoping for more. My symptoms are still very alive.

Its hard. When Im at the computer and feel safe at home, I assume all will be improved around people in uncontrolled situations. I feel I will be safe. This does not happen. Its sad

Im looking for continued progress in my music experience.

I feel like Im trapped on a desert island. In my mind I imagine safety, to be in a world that I could function. The outside world is not the world in my head. A backward world, that is what I see. A world that will eat me, like a cobra eating grammar dinner at an adverb party.

Life feels like one long dysfunctional isolated introduction. No one knows who I am, what Im worth. To die in obscurity. Does it have to be this way...

To be judged on shallow grounds: The goal is to sweep the legs out from under thee. To be chased by the pirate ship. Is this it; this disparaging arrangement!

Social issues are a balloon that is flying away... out of control. The small world I live in is to small. ITs made for a child. I cant get out.

To be misunderstood and disliked. To be feared as a bad object or bad toy by others of privilege. To be in there world, not my world. To be in a world where I have been given a break. Granting me audience with their presence.
-------------------------------

Its funny how I try and write that I communicate how I feel, instead of just saying whats really going on.

Im afraid of the outside world. Its all to much for me. I feel weak and stupid.

I feel fine sitting, hiding at my computer. Im on an origami make shift Japanese cushion thing in the corner of the room.. Its a safe place to crawl into and hide.

I am disabled. I don't like it. My nervous system cannot take the outside world. The last round I had turned me into a Schizophrenic.. The rest of the world, does not understand me. In this case, I think its legitimate to bitch about the fact that Im not understood. Im not trying to put the weight on others, However, Im not understood.

Im a foreigner in my own land. I don't fit in. Im to real, to much on speaking about what I see and how I feel. I want to tell the world what I see and truths that are rolling around in my head. I was never meant to sell widgets to people...

I feel people are privileged and protected and have no appreciation for it.. I have no idea how to cope with privileged people, I want to run from them.

I was popular once a long time ago. I got hurt. That is all that came of it. Hurt and abandonment. I learned my lessons in the most horrible way. I was treated horribly. I will never go through that again.

I see the world through a monitor screen, through a TV shows of the 1960's. Anything more real then that and I parish in sadness and confusion. I was meant for unreality. Unreality is the only place I can be the real me..
Last edited by OMNICELL on Mon Apr 09, 2012 4:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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