BLogs are very important to me. They allow me to communicate and express how I feel on a daily basis. No one can jump in and shut me down... Its not about you. Its about me. I write for myself, not for the viewer. This is therapy away from the therapy office. Its about dumping stuff and getting on with the day... I deal with enough judgments from people during the day to make me sick. Im very defensive, Im not around friendly people. Im around judgmental people. So, having safe places to express myself is important...
I was reading someone else's blog and realized they were talking about something other then themselves. They were talking about an adventure. Or something that excited them... Something outside the mental illness frame work. Although they have mental illness, they never mentioned it. An adventure steeped in colors and mystery, that was the subject. This shocked me. As Ive always hoped that someday when my mental illness problems left, I would start concentrating on something else.. It never happened.
I still have the mental illness, I still concentrate on the mental illness.
I have no illusions, Im here at this site for one reason. To get better. Being on this site has helped a great deal. It has been confusing at times... It has helped...
I believe Im moving away from victimhood, Im moving into a "present space" Very slowly. Victimhood requires letting go of the past. Those I loved and the dreams I was hoping to fulfill with there help are gone. This is hard on my nervous system. I wanted something out of the deal. If I could not get love from all of this I wanted some kind of compensation from my past holocausts. However, the reality is I will gain nothing. I cannot drink nectar from ghosts,. I end up alone and confused. I end up seeing reality for what it is and starting point. This time I will wait and heal before I start something , or invest my life in world with no guarantees...
I have to remember to retreat and hide. Take a break and retreat and hide for awhile.. And stay away from hate people. Yet, So many of them...