Art is unblocking I think. Im up to speed; Ive got a basic goal; simple; In reach. God sent the plan.
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Women; Im blocked and bent backward like a pretzel... My beliefs are juxtaposed; cognitive dissonance... At least thats the terminology when I was in school in Heavy Metal 80s....
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Art; Im up to speed; its spilling over; Ive got a canvas up and im drawing on that free paper canvas when ever I walk by it. Ive created a new drawing every half hour; vase pics... Well; I add to the drawing and consistently practice on it; just grab a pen and draw on it some more.
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The goal was brought to me by God. I am to draw or create simple vases on each canvas board; 18-24 inches. take these basic pictures into a 12 step meeting; let them sit along the walls; 5 on one side; 5 on the other... and just let them sit their and feel it.
Im already feeling the antsyness of this. Why the problems?; because ive associated my "worth-identity" with being the artist. If I bring something real into the rooms and set them on the floor against the walls; Ill realize; Im no artist; Im just a guy that likes to draw and create; and thats just not enough. Ive got to be the "Artist"; I must. Its all I have left in the world; With out that; Im nothing; nobody; have no identity; nothing; Ill be called a flop a loser; pan handler swindler lazy no good shiftless drifter... on and on. worthless looser that doesn't even have art to back him up because I was lying.... I need a lie to be something; somebody, anybody; anything out here in life; something to cover up the miss information about my non existing Nothing life. I have no life; I dont want anyone knowing it. its horrible not having a life and all the anger associated with it; it sucks. Bringing in art and putting it down on the floor sitting against those walls will prove the "Art" con or concept is a lie; a fabricated myth to extend my excuse for not having a life. Im lazy and havent done anything with my life and I dont want anyone to know its all a lack of character and falsehood and immaturity; I never got started in the first place. I dont want anyone to know.
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Women; transform the upper paragraph; ditto'ing it into this paragraph about women; and thus you have it; same problem as Art; Im a fake with women; no confidence or belief in myself; I dont believe any women will ever see any value in me Thus; I have to know or I have to believe Im a " Ladies Man". I must; I have to; if you take that away from me Im nothing. Im a nobody; nothing; no one.
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God has to bring me the right women or I have to end up in the right place...
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I was mangled when young trying to deal with these issues; psychopaths destroying me; bullies destroying me; I never even saw them coming had no protection; caught me off guard... everyone turned on me; you name it; I was turned on; probably even before that but didnt know it. I was alone and never knew.. Those who betrayed me knew who what they were doing. They dont ask questions; they just judge.
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So; As for being a " ladies man" This false concept about myself its all ive got. Im actually to shy to date women. I have nothing developed to date women; and that lie is all I have left. the problem is; theirs no ladies ive dated; nothing. I would like to break this curse but do I really want to? Yes! And Im digging in with God to try to get me back to reality so I can come back to a state of manageability in this area. I dont know what that means or looks like.
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Art;
As for Art; Its working out; I believe Ill take 10 paintings into my next meeting and set them up for the purpose of personalty development; exposure therapy. Ill do it; I believe Ill do it.
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Women;
As for women; im bent backward like a pretzel; ill have to keep praying about this on what God wants me to do or how God wants me to start or doing the work to get up to speed with myself on this subject. Meeting new people; part of it; that would be a big change. scary... scared of being judged. Scared of being judged a loser.
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Ive had women like me; but out of sight out of mind; they moved on to another man as if I didnt exist... I doubt they ever thought about me once ever again. Been through this several times.
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So; possibly concerning the concept of women; im getting it; it will be much like art; Ill meet women that are not intimidating; general women; average; I dont know what that means; harmless; is that a better word; and learn to interact with basics; working through the basics one person at a time or one experience at a time until I can feel confortable around women again? is that it? its part of it. The other part is the type of women I feel I deserve;' that is a whole other set of issues. Ill talk to God. Anyway; non of this concerning women is written in stone; Ill have to work with God until something is figured out... I can already feel the panic setting in as I write this. Dont get me wrong; Ive made much achievement in social and with women in general because my general condition is getting better... However; I work to gain some answers... Im without knowledge on what to do about all of this.. Anger and hatred and contempt is underneath this; contempt and fear for the psychopaths when young; Fear; and its for the psychopaths who through me away from my home when I was in the 5th grade and they did so in a way that was wholly brutal and lawless... completely out of line... unbelievable. Still cant believe it; and I blame those women for this and my father. A hatred for women for this... And Ive attracted lots of whores...Well; ive never attracted any whores; I attract nice girls that wanted me; thats all! My point is fine; Im wanting to move on and get a life right... Please God; make all of this stop...
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Fear; Dread-Fear is the underlined of this.
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Most of my interactions with women never took place; I fumbled around with the ideas but never followed through with actual women; to chicken; They offered; I never followed; to scared. I would always chicken out because if I went out with them, my identity as a chicken would be found out; my reputation as a Ladies Man would be in question; it would be proven I was no ladies man or even close; On the other hand; if I did go out with them; It would be proven that I was a ladies man when I actually internally wasn't. How would I back it up; So I ran off for relief from this lie. I was just a normal person; sensitive and scared.
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I dont really hate women; Well; I do at times; frustration is a closer word; Women are actually fare away...
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I was never even around them or ever got close enough to them to start anything; what ever imagined at comes before I ever interact with women. Im mad that I cant interact with them; thats whats got me frustrated. I dont feel good enough; meaning; women think they are 2 good for me... thats how it feels... Im discarded before I start; its like not knowing my people; what tribe do I belong to; where is it that I would be accepted and admired and looked up to and treated right... Treated like I was worth something.
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Ive felt not good enough in society for women and Im resentful for this; extremely resentful... horrible resentful. Lots of deep anger on this subject to explore; lots of it. loathing; sadness.
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I havent been able to stand up for my real self; I have nothing but I have a good heart and I can love someone; I can love you with all my heart; that I have to offer". I dont seem to think this has any value so Im not standing up for it And that has been a big problem. Ive not believed I could stand up for it and stand up for it proudly; fight for it.
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Id like to develop but my values or beliefs are all messed up in this area dealing with women. They are pretzeled backwards. Everything in this area is pretzeled backwards... the pain and hatred and loathing and agony... all of it. Hatred... Bullied
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So; Im not sure; Ill continue to work with God.. Ive been trying to face forward in the real world; ive been trying;. It would help if God would bring me a decent person to date; that wouldn't hurt. In fact; thats been most of the problem; but the problem has been; I do not know where I would go to be accepted. I will continue to work with God on these things... I have to stop judging this society; stop all judgment and go where God wants me to go... Keep working with God. And their it is; keep praying with God and stay out of the rest; working with God...
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The Key is to understand that I am to let go go the or's, float down energy river in a row boat and see where the boat lands and stay out of it... just be...
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I can see im the 5th grader that was dragged through PTSD for that year and put into shock and then discarded and dumped... and So Im a lost confused 5th grader most of the time dealing with the outside world... and Im starting to see that is most of what Im dealing with... im usually to young to date people emotionally; Im a broken 5th grader. Most of the women I deal with are treacherous; if they dont get what they want when they want it; they go date someone else and once having their fun; might come back to me; but I have respect for them anymore or interest. they scare me and I want nothing to do with them... So I move on..
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I know Im getting better; I mean; it seriously looks like Art is going to finally move beyond the rooms of my apartment; I mean; its a practicing start.. But I still havent done it yet...
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As for women; I think it will be like Art; God will bringing me basic women and concepts to work with; slowly interacting and becoming friendly and getting to know women again; I guess... the whole thing scares me usually because of the type of women I end up around.
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So; Ill have to keep working with the universe on this subject; but I can see the women's issue being much like the Art issue; a working model process will appear to me of what to do and how to do it to get started with women in the real world again. Ive had false starts in the 12 step recovery rooms; most possible I was never suppose to interact with women in those places; instead; I was to recover in those places and I simply got false starts by the women who randomly where sick and hitting on me sporadically.
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I can see a working-model-process working with women; but I have no idea. And ive got to stay out of it and accept I have no idea; God will bring me to a place of happiness; thats what counts and I am suppose to stay out of it.