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OMNICELL
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Being sexually immature around women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Apr 29, 2018 1:39 pm

Sexually immature around women! Im scared that they will see me when Im thinking about them; in fact; I wont allow myself to think about them sexually when Im around them; its been trained out of me by my mother; she was a psychopath and a bully! and I learned to feel nothing and stay inline like a robot or id be thrown away; I was always on the threat of it; they did not have to say anything; they were already throwing me away and I did not want to go through being thrown away anymore; it was happening all the time! to much of the time; and no one wold save me from it! The rest of the community got involved and did it! They were as bad or evil as the people I had to stay with when I was unable to protect my self because I did not know what was going on; I was to young to understand!
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I was being destroyed and bullied to death in direct and indirect ways; my whole life; I was left in a dream world alone; no clue of what was really going on and that I was being destroyed and would be let go; like being fired from a job!
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Im scared to show my feelings around women
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Im scared they will see Im just a little boy inside and have no real feelings of my own! That I cant feel! that I want to, but I need to be taken care of! loved and nurtured until I can stand on my own emotional feet! I just want women to put their arms around me and hold me and take care of me; but my mother since Im only 8 years old! and Im scared to ask them for this! Im afraid this would open the door for them to manipulate me!
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Men are not really afraid that women are going to castrate them emotionally; they are already being castrated because they cant stand up to their own emotions and desires!
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When Im up close to a women; I want her body! I want to feel that I want her body; the excitement and energy when Im around her! Im want to learn to touch her with my thoughts and my desires and energies and implied energies! This scares me and I dont feel worthy or good enough!
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Im scared to think around women; they might see me; they might see me liking them and then they can take advantage of me; because thats all their good for; taking advantage of me! they dont care about me; or what happens to me! Non of them!
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The truth is; I want to be up close to them and practice so I can be sexually mature around women! I did not have women around me when young! I did when very young; neighborhood kids! But it was not really my neighborhood! I was part of no neighborhood; nothing! As I got older, I become more n more dissociative and alienated from everything around me! I had the TV set; and that was all!
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I have to feel good about myself around women and feel good enough to associate with women. I have to practice on them! Practice with them!
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So, its about flirting with women! and the fears of getting up close with women and just standing their with them; I never learned this when young; I learned nothing when young; only the TV set showed me how to live; and then it started to fade as I got older; past 6 years old; and it faded into nothing; nothingness! At that point their was a struggle; and then I was released into nothingness! lost and slowly dying inside!
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The goal is facing fear and building confidence; This means facing women! this means; working with source energy of the universe! this means; demanding plans from the universe for this desire! and watching the signs and keep practicing up close and next to women!

I get scared up close to women; Im secretly feeling sexually aroused around women and I dont want them to see it! but that is immature; and Im scared; scared to be close enough to touch them romantically or intimately; and Im afraid they will know this and laugh at me and put me down.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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