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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (917)
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- June 2019
going to meetings; Yuk
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:55 am
social is coming back; but its slow and about thinking
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:00 am
intimacy 3
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am
1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am
Coping with what has happened to me in this life
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am
Visualizations
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 9:27 pm
Talents and development
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:39 pm
Money and women
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:19 pm
women and shame
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 5:53 am
Music creating; blocked
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:46 am
Im getting very close
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:25 am
Its hard when you were never loved.
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 5:29 pm
Things are changing
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 6:08 am
Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:36 am
Social isolation; social uphill climb
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 2:25 am
Feeling better inside
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:28 pm
Money
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:38 am
An interest in the arts
   Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am
Social
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
intimacy
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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Being outside

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:35 pm

These blogs are interesting to write. The last one had allot of suicide stuff in it. I hope thats OK. Im not used to writing like that in public. Hmmm... I guess this is the place for it.

I do well when I feel secure. I do not do well when I don't feel secure. I am an artist type. Great for abstract thinking. Horrible for paying the bills and getting off the streets. Reality is way to much for me. I stop processing anything and freeze. I find reality despicable. A horrible place. I simply cant live in it. I cant live in it anymore then a person working on a fishing boat in Alaska that falls in the water can live. He will not live more then 5 minutes in that cold barring Sea. I cant live more then 5 minutes in a lost reality outside.

I feel secure when Im on the computer writing late at night. I don't feel secure eating something while looking out the window at a Safeway store in the middle of the day. Siting with a friend , we were eating something from a counter inside a Safeway store. I felt horrible. Like I had no walls around me. I felt like I was a looser and a bum. Of interest to know one. Like I had no status of any kind. We were looking out of the big window on to the parking lot. I felt like a nowhere man.
Inside my apartment I don't feel that way. It is safer in my apartment.
When Im at church Im who ever the people around me want me to be. Who ever they would like me to be. What ever box they want to put me in...

When Im outside I don't feel like Im worth much. Just a guy riding a bike like a 13 year old.
In my little world in my head Im someone. In my head. However, the outside world does not seem to notice me or want me. I suppose Im not the only person that goes through this. Its horrible. This is a mean mean place for me, this reality.. I am able to see the negative. Never the positive.

People at times want something from me. They don't want to be friends with me. Its all about performance. They don't seem to want a personal relationship with me.. I suppose its because I don't have money. Im assuming its that simple. The rest of me goes unnoticed.

The anxiety levels get high when Im outside. Theirs no walls to protect me. And I don't feel like I belong to anyone or anything. Nothing....

Theirs just so much dehumanization I can go through in my life. It seems , all life has been dehumanizing to me. I have lost all friend that I can remember. They were about performance. I had mental problems that no one cared about. Meaning I was not important enough to anyone to ask what was wrong. I was just thrown away....

I am not connected to the outside world or anyone in it. If Im out their to long I disassociate.
Last edited by OMNICELL on Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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