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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Im still to young
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She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
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Being myself

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Nov 11, 2013 4:59 am

Nothing is harder then self acceptance!

I was ripped out of self, I was destroyed out of self, I was brainwashed out of self. I was bullied and controlled out of self, I was raped and tortured out of self. Self means death; and this was almost achieved. It seems like a dreams to me; what happened! Most of my life has been destroyed. It is God that has kept me alive.

I was hated from the start, then later I was hated again. I have known only hatred! When I am myself, I am hated.
I trusted much when very young, and was destroyed from it. Although I thought I was loved, cared about and connected. I was never any of these things. Possibly in the future I can be these things again.
I spent my life alone and I never knew it! I thought I was liked by people; they never saw me! I thought I was liked by my family; I had no family, it was a death trap full of sociopaths. And this family system would be destroyed at my young age! I was not prepared and had no idea it was coming.

I thought the school systems were full of nice people; not so! The system only respect force and power! if you have protection from family, you are accepted. If you are alone, you will be destroyed. When alone, teachers or the principle of school systems can turn you into a scapegoat bad person! This happened to me!

I thought I had lost all friends; I never had any friends, and this broke my heart! All that I cherished turned into a joke and a lie! I was deceived by the middle class propaganda. I was deceived by the middle class people! All was a lie!

Im attempting to wake up! and come back to reality! and reality is happening for me slowly! its like poison from a snake bite; it must come out slowly! it must be pulled out through the skin very slowly!

I am still heart broken, but better, beat up and alive! I am slowly getting stronger; stronger to be myself. I am a decent person around many indecent people! I am treated horribly and less then what Im worth!
The goal is having strength around people! The ability to get them out of my life and keep them out! not be intimidated by people or bullied by them or manipulated by them or controlled by them!

The goals is acceptance of the past, and slowly move into the present! feel, deal, and heal!

PTSD plays a major role in this!

Im starting to approach people and talk with them! It was impossible to interact with people; I am changing, and slowly healing.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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