April 2024
March 2024
So; Im writing stories of past women that have liked me that I avoided. Altho I may of had bad things to say about them; I may have been correct or I may have not; one thing I overlooked. I never went to bed with them; never had sex with anyone. why? I never had sex with any of the women ever; why? I dont know why? Im to scared to get that close; that emotionally close. Because my emotions are stuck at 10 years old. And a women I sleep with cant fix any of that; and my most pressing issue is to fix that time period.
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Once; many years ago; I made the mistake of having sex with someone and she did not really get me up. And so I was not very big; And it wasn't very big to begin with. 5 inches maybe fully up. Ive always felt small; compared to a porn star. She said it was the smallest thing she had ever felt. it wasn't so much that it was small that bothered me. Ive had sex before that; it was the ability for someone not to care or question my feelings; I mean; How did I get with someone like that or why? careless of my emotional survival. I mean; that situation was over... No questions of how she could make me bigger; nothing.
However, looking back; I mean; she may have just been a b_tch looking for an excuse... she never felt right in the first place; she was rebounding. I think what made me really mad. I never trusted her or liked her nor wanted her.. I mean; she was a complete stranger and I tried to be nice to her but... In reality; I was that 10 year old that had been thrown away.. I was looking for answer for his life not public shame; she told others... In fact; that may have been what her goal was all along and I didnt know it. She publicly humiliated me. Thats what bothered me... I was taken advantage of... Why? Why did I find myself in that situation. How could I have done something more efficient. Be more awake; I was not; I was not able to do anything; I was a throw away 10 year old with no answers to his situation.
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I never really felt safe their and then I get hit with; Im the smallest guy shes ever been with. Im sure that has caused much ego problems with me and women.
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As I write this; What Im seeing is; what kind of women am I sleeping with. How come im not sleeping with nice women. Its as if Ive become pathological by this time and dont care anymore. Im a lost soul.
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A women who liked me from 10 years ago;
I was writing about a women that used to like me; I didnt follow through with her; I talked to God about her and started writing a story about both of us together as if we were dating and having sex. And as soon as I wrote her part and mine into the picture of jumping into bed together; BAM; suddenly I could feel the resistance. I felt apprehension and fear.
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So; I know of 2 things that bother me; being in bed with a women and a women giving other men attention...
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So; being in bed with a women;; my o My; this is going to open up the box of ghosts...
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Problems;
where does it start; girlfriend in college for 3 years.
I had a girlfriend in college; most worst case scenario; the worst possible match up... Why did I go out with her then. I mean; she was the opposite of who I am... No feeling; nothing. horrible. Why did I tolerate any of it. I dont know; but I got walked on and abused and used... Why didnt I fight back and just dump her... I should have never gone out with her in the first place she was a perfect stranger.. Why was I going out with a perfect stranger. And I can feel the sex issue; looking back; I should not have had sex with her or any intimacy; it was like sleeping with the devil. I mean; it was wrong because she was the wrong person... Something very bad about that choice and it makes me think Ill make that mistake again.
fake best family system; being destroyed in that; abused..... bullied; no love... nothing.
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Why did I make friends with these Jackals; why.;.. Why didnt I just walk away from it and keep myself safe. Im showing signs of not taking care of myself in intimate places...
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Dissociative disorder; Im not present; Im not here; ghost; Im not present... that may be a major issue..
im seeing that Im not present but Im not; Im the 10 year old wondering in my neighborhood lost without a family or a home....
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if I have sex; its demeaning; I might not be the stud Ive been protecting to be... Im just a normal regular guy; nothing infuriates me more then this. nothing,. sex is where Im a god... for a minute; I have to have intimacy with the person; feel safe... Ive not done that. because im a 10 year old inside wondering around in his old neighborhood without a family or home and im not safe. So; I can start with these 2 parallels... wanting to be safe with intimacy with the right women and being lost and 10 years old and wondering around in my old neighborhood without a family or home.
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So; I was at a mens meeting and told them everything.. and Im lucky; Ive got like 3 different mens meetings; This specific one is a Christian mens meeting; and I told them everything about sex problems. All of it; How did I feel afterward; It was good; but Im on the edge. It all adds up; All the exposure therapy;
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What is needed;
More exposure therapy and processing; its like im on the edge of a mountain and im slowly trying to figure out how to start the climb. When God gives the go a head; Ill start; but theirs a gap; but its not huge this time; but kind a deep and wilderness like. Its like trying to climb over a creek or small river in the woods. I have to go on more experiences to move through this; I dont know what they will be.
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I mentioned; Im like 10 years old; Im in my neighborhood of my house as a boy; ive already heard the news ill be leaving and the house will be sold. NOW What! The difference is this; Big Omnicell is taking care of little inner child omnicell; the 10 year old. So; Im their with the 10 year old; Im with him; God is with him... He has the experience of my side of the world; the adult side as I go back in and re experience that abandonment. And from their; new pathways will be formed; I plan to stay on that street some how and work through it.
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One of the horrors of this; I wont ever have a birthday or Christmas in that house again. no train set at 12 years old. nothing. So; Im feeling it. Now; what is the next step; Ill be praying about that. The harshness of this; it makes me aware; I have no house to go back to; but Im determined to stay in that neighborhood and finish things out. And I wont be going to any relatives or other cities or foster people or anything else. Ill work with God on my own and figure something out.
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Im traumatized... during the time period of being told my house is going to be sold; its unbelievable. Im just a child with no clue no help nothing; non one cares what happened to me. And right their Im stuck and brutalized. its at this point where I need the love and support and help from God; Im in that gap. Now what. That gap; the same feeling of when someone is forced to go homeless; thats what that is... Now what do I do; Im 10 years old forced out of my home. And that is the answer; what are the feelings and what do I do with them and how do I transfer them to me; the hopelessness and horror and overwhelming reality of something way beyond a Childs level of understanding; a child should not be put through this...
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The point of all this is to grow this 10 year old up; make sure he is not alone. and I think that can happen. I just have to work with God to open the imagination up and re construct his life at 10 years old.
Ill Start writing bout it tonight.
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Im hoping that the 10 year old reconnects with the 14 year old in Me or 15 year old... Im not sure what age the 10 year old will grow up into and finally Fues with Me; at what past age; I dont know yet... we will see; Ill have to have accepted allot of past and present reality tho. I can do this... its not as big a gap as it used to me. I can see there is a shore line to that is waiting for me; I dont have to be out on the ocean on this one for ever.
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