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Being grateful

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Dec 27, 2019 7:45 pm

Being Grateful;

Im in this small town. Im in housing for the homeless; I Was homeless 20 years ago; I wanted to move so I found this place; I qualified. I didn't have to move in here; but the universe led me to it. I would grow here.
randomly we get fire alerts; fire alarms go off. Lots of older people here.
Tonight an alarm went off; 3 in the morning; I got my pants on backwards, my shirt upside down; went outside. The fireman will take their time checking out stoves burning damage while the smoke invisibly billows into the air. And as this goes on; Ill walk around the block in the brisk eerie dark and think about where my recovery's at in the twilight...
As Im walking around; Im thinking about how lonely it is; how did I get in this place in my life; A no-where man; no direction; no purpose; just a ruptured nervous system full of PTSD. I was feeling sorry for myself a bit; this is not what I planned when I was 5 years old: I had a great life planned; what happened?
I thought about the girl I loved in junior high; high school; but I was mentally ill and could not follow through with her; her and her mother decided to laugh at me as a weakling; I was the saddest person on earth; I tested her a few more times; then just walked away and never returned... Why was I judged incorrectly; I loved her with all my heart; I would have married her; it meant nothing to her; I found out too late.. And then I remember how I met her; I was not acting mentally ill; I was hiding it; I was acting assertive and outgoing and fearless with confidence; like from the upper middle classes; but that wasn't me?... Looking back; I would have never been noticed by her if I had been myself; I would have never met her if I had been myself; maybe it would have been better if I had been myself and then I would have never met her... Will anyone ever like me being myself? Will I ever find out... Do I have the strength for that... Will I attract more creeps or narcissists... I should have been working and or studying and then allow someone to slowly pull up next to me in alignment. Unfortunately that was taken from me by the time I was 9. And it was just a dream before 9; and by the time I was 9 I wanted began exploring this work that would build my great life.
I was thinking about my mother who destroyed me and my brothers; psychopath. I was thinking about who I was at 5 years old and all the wonder of the world and the things I would experience and accomplish; all destroyed. I never had a chance; and didn't know it; it makes me mad; I could have been planning an escape if I had known; but I was to young to know...
I was thinking about the bullies; the horrible bullies that ruined my life; my school years; I was completely captured and recaptured and controlled; ruined; no escape; just waisted time; my life being consumed by other people; predators and the school system that through me away; no fault of my own...
I Thought about my father; he abandon me. And I'll have to work through this and the time period and create substitutes for everything; for the school system; for my studying, for my dreams, for my house, for my neighborhood and the friends in the neighborhood; everything. I never saw it coming; I had such plans for him and me during my life; my life was built on my family; the family concept; and here I am now... walking around in the dark with my pants inside out in the dark 3 o'clock in the morning.
I thought about my condition; my nervous system is ruptured and I've Got long term PTSD running through it; the bullies still run through my system; he ghosts still control me. I still have not forgotten about the girl I loved; but Im changing my attitude if I should have never met her in the first place. she was the wrong person to associate with...
I thought about the person I met when young; I wanted him as my best friend; what a horrible mistake that was. Again; I was 2 young; another example of spoiled rich. His family had money; I did not know what that meant... I learned the hard way; they don't need friends; they didn't need me. I needed them; they didn't need me. Ive learned; I don't need them anymore.... and more people like this in this neighborhood; they turned on me; but not all; and I must remember this... Not all of them. Looking back; their were genuine friends.. not these fake weirdo's using me; them and they families... sickening; really sickening...
I thought about my father who abandon me; I never saw it coming; ever..... Did not know I was not noticed or cared about; nothing... didn't know... I was just being used all my life; that was all.
Thought about the predators the sexually abused me when I had to live with them at the age of 10...I still have allot to work through about who I am and where I came from; I was thrown away all my life; and I have to look at what is important.
Gratitude; I think Gratitude is the only way to believe Im not poor or lost or a loser in society. I generally don't consider myself a loser in society; but realizing where I live; I have no car; Im mentally ill; I can hardly ever get a date with anyone because I can't meet the right people or I'm scared to meet them; Im so horribly scared of being economically judged.... Im not young anymore; only in heart; but it still bothers me; not my age; the whole experience... I don't like to be in vulnerable situations; Im to smart for this... way to smart...
Ive got thoughts that intrude of bad places and scary places and things when I attempt to think of myself as a good person and I attempt to think of alignment; I go completely blind and am transferred to a terrible place in my mind; so I don't know myself. This is brainwashing... and I have to work through this brainwashing and come back to normal; it can be done if I focus and concentrate on my original life as a child; the good stuff and get my identity back... the flash backs are killing me; they are over running my identity; the identity I want and had already built as a boy.
Gratitude is a way of life and a practice; much like a religion. I want something in this life; I can get it by creating war or through gratitude; at this point in my life Gratitude is a much wiser choice and this because Im inline with the universe.
How can I go on; being grateful... feeling grateful...
Still much thoughts to work through from young; that I can work through the intimidation of bullies that scared me out of my thoughts; thoughts that equal and create my identity.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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