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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Moving forward and dealing with a narc
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Being a fake

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Feb 27, 2020 5:35 pm

Everything about my life is a fake; the first thing that comes to mind is the house I lived at as a child and being pulled away from it; that is when I became a fake; I had all things pulled out; not just the house; all things pertaining to a family and a future with a family; and a future in school and friends and marriage and college and achievements and experiences in a middle class world. All things were pulled out; and many more than what Im describing.
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So; how do I get back there; Im working on that. in the mean time Im a fake to the world. All things have to be made up as if I came from something; anything.
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I have to fake all of it; act the part to survive. For example; I learned no math in school and no English... I learned nothing; nothing at all. In the first grade I was thrown away the first day.... It was already over with. Trauma was already developed.. .
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I learned no more then a first or second grader in my entirety of schooling; no schooling; I was just their...
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I refused to be apart of any of it. The place disgusted me. I was pulled away from my life and thrown away. no way out... no one cared; I was then completely ignored and forgotten by all as if I had never been or never been born and it will remain that day onto this day.... As if I never existed.
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I act as if I was in sports; so I can appear to be like a jock; this showing Im strong and developed; but I was never strong or developed. I was never in sports; It was stolen from me. Ill have to act like myself and stop acting like I was in sports or taking credit for it.... Im trying to act like Im tuff; but I was never involved in anything. So their is no tuffness coming from sports... I wanted to talk like I did; but why? I being me was 2 fragile and small and could not survive taking care of myself; I was not enough and had no home and no place to go or hide; nothing. I was thrown away. +
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I never played sports; I wanted to and planned on it when I grew up; but I never did. I never played any sports in school. But I wanted to walk around like I did; like I was tuff.... But I wasn't; I mean; to play sports you have to work at things... it's not free. But without that false identity; I was nothing and had nothing to put in its place.
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My whole life has all Been like sports; it's all been fake. I never did anything ever; nothing; I was stripped of my life. now Im trying to get it back. But I cant get something back I never had. So; Im trying to accept myself without any of the things I always wanted to have and that fact I was stripped of a life and put into situations where I was sexually abused and physically at times and thrown away completely to the point of being forgotten completely.
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So; who am I. Im a person at this point when a child; just before developing any dreams and then I was destroyed. So; I have to become this child again who is real but without any defenses to protect the lies I've created about myself to survive in unserviceable survivable situations. Im trying to act like the guy that beat up all 12 of the bad guys and now is getting my own banquette and a reward for it; a pat on the back and a trophy....
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I have to let it go and try another way; a way that works. I gave up on the spontaneous artist thing. I never even attempted it. I attempted nothing. I was able to maintain being myself; I would switch personalities.
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Im working to pull out of myself when I start lying about myself or think I have to be in freeze mode around others and then lie to get out of it.
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Ive got no friends. Im alone. I know people. But Im not in this town for any other reason then to survive and try to get better; no other reason.
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I know God is trying to create ego reduction within me. I suppose it will work; I have to feel protected and loved; that would be nice; and I have to see new pictures in my head of my original house; get that back into my mind; my original childhood... before I was so viciously thrown away...
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Im on the right path; have to keep working at it.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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