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OMNICELL
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Beginning to wake up; first signs of the real past!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Sep 26, 2017 11:17 am

Im beginning to actually wake up from the past! at first I was completely gone from dissociative disorder; what a complete nightmare!
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Later, I began to wake up from dissociative disorder; Im still waking up! With therapeutic help, I began to see memories again; I had very little of any memories; dissociative amnesia covered everything; all was dissociated out of existence! Then I started to feel in my arms and legs again; then the core of me started waking up; what a nightmare; like an exploding engine of 400 pounds of steam; it was hot like hot coals burning, and it exploded out of me; this went on for a long while!
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The core of me begins to wake up!
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My childhood belonged to another personalty; and I was not in touch with this part of self, not until later in the recovery process; I was not allowed in!
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A strange thing happened in recovery, I began to remember things in my childhood, first abuses from early ritualistic abuses; always the same memories! I was tide to the end of a small tracker, I could see, the lights were on, it was in a building, many people were their; I was not alone with one person!
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In another memory, I remember a school bus in a parking lot, I remember being handcuffed to a wall! I remember the handcuffs being to big, my arms were above my head against the wall, I remember others like me next to me! I remember it was like a giant shower of some kind! I remember being punched!
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In another memory, I remember cars of the late 1950's or early 1960's, and I was in the middle of a ritual, I know my mother was their and her father! I now it! I was 2 young to move! and I've seen this many times in memory, over n over!
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I remember when very young, flashing memories of 0 to 3, Im being thrown around, thrown against a wall, something! For those who might be thinking; " O God, not another therapeutic implant of past abuse by the therapist of what might have happened in very early childhood"?, non of your business to start with! Im just reporting my story; if you don't like it, dont read it; leave, id rather have room for those who take me seriously when I talk with them! or write to them or write my blogs.
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I remember other strange things from my childhood; As I got better in therapy I begin to remember things, consistent things I had never remembered experiencing in my original childhood! I remember sitting by a window outside in the backyard; Im kneeling down on my thighs, just sitting, hiding behind tress and plants by a house window, its a sunny warm summer day! I can remember it and feel it; And I go back their several times to re look at this; these memories; but I do not ever remember this from my original childhood self; meaning, This is another set of memories of that time I discovered as I was waking up in the recovery process; and Ive had a few like this! And I dont really know where the physical location of the memories came from; what city or house! And I know its another me; another child! And it makes me wonder what else this other child experienced!
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So, Im starting to wake up! next; I begin to wake up to the strange and sad and horrible understandings of why the world flipped upside down on me when a child! Those I thought were my friends turn out to be evil and no friends of mine; and a school system that turned on me! The whole world turned on me! What happened?
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One problem; I was in trouble, deep deep trouble as a child, I was completely dissociative and interpreting the world with the maturity of a 5 year old; that as all I had; I had no help or guidance! I was not seeing anything the way it truly is!
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its unfortunate, but childhood is the most dangerous time in a humans life; it can be; and severe old age is a dangerous time of life!
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When a child, many things were happening around me and done to me that I did not understand! I never knew that the people around me were all bad; I knew my mother was not safe! I stayed away from her from an early age, I only went around her when in the protection of my father; but in reality, he was never safe either, I never knew until later!
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I had a best friend and his family; thats how I looked at it from a small childs point of view; in reality, he was never a friend of mine! I got nowhere; they never turned out to be any real friends of mine! I met him, I approached him; he never approached me to be friends; he never needed to; he was rich and from rich people; these are not like normal people; but I would have never known this when very young!
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The house I came from; what I called then; my childhood house; I lived on a normal block of houses in a small town of about 35 thousand! next to the block I lived on, kitty corner to my house, the rich people! Their block of houses were of the rich; Doctors, lawyers, business people, judges, college professors from the local universities! and other very rich people; some of the richest people in town! Upper middle class!
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As a child I was neglected; so I simply roamed around and met other children; and I met several of this rich neighborhood! A kid at school, in the first grade, I became friends with him; he was one of the upper middle class kids! at first, it was great, I had a friend, or best friend that I hung out with all the time; in reality, they were not so great; but at 5 or 6 or 7 years old; I did not know this! In reality, I always called this kid, he never came over to my house or called me! I always want to his house. Later, I found out his mother allowed me into their home, only because she wanted her son socialized; this was the real reason I was allowed in their home; they were never friends of mine! If you've ever dealt with the rich, they use people, exploit everything for money or self gain; thats how they become rich! They use children and the shirt off your back to get rich! How they look to others and to others like themselves; they will kill for this status; its what they worship!
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I was a commodity, nothing more; I was allowed around their family only if I served this purpose of keeping their son socialized, and when that purpose was up; I was done! I was being used! Did the kid know this; my friend! yes; he knew the whole time; was he my friend; never! He and his family considered me useless worthless trash! you have to understand the rich; they dont need anyone; they've got plenty of money; they dont need friends; their above it! They have their tight nit families!
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This false best friend, his family, they acted the Jesus christian churchy role! unfortunately, as a small child, I actually thought they loved God and worshiped Jesus and were christians! I used to watch christian shows on TV and I thought these people, my false best friend and his family, I thought they were one of them; christians, like on TV, they were not; they were a special breed of christians; they were the white upper middle class type with massive money; they loved God no more then a rapist loves jail!
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In therapy, I began to wake up; and I saw this family I thought were my friends, this rich family, I began to see an adult view of these people and could understand why they turned on me! they were never friends of mine in the first place; I was being used! No matter how I want to look at this; these people were filth; They used God, exploited him and his son and christianity! They were hiding behind their Christian masks, using their Christian ray guns, stun guns to shoot anyone that didnt think like them or act like them! In the end, they are similar to the psychopaths I came from; and this will be a returning re accusing problem; In life, I keep attracting sociopaths, like my mother and father.
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When I walked into these rich peoples house, I felt like I was one of them, successful; when a small child! In reality, they would have never allowed me into their lives; I was not one of them and they already knew this; I didnt know this! later, when they didnt need me anymore, I then found out the hard way; i was not one of them!
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One rich kid?; it was not just him that turned on me; the whole neighborhood turned on me; the rich part of the neighborhood and their children! I was turned on when I started dealing with the effects of abuse; everyone slammed their doors in my face! Suddenly, I was not one of them; and they didnt care! and they did not care that I was being destroyed! They only care about their status; nothing more! and they care about protecting their way of life, their money life or neighborhood status identity!
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And a word of caution and advice. When I attempted to tell my story to other wealthy people; later in life; secretly their only obedience was to their neighborhood; they did not care if I died as a child so others could live as they wished! These rich; I tried to tell my story to them; as first they said nothing, soon they tried to find a way in to detour and shut me down, shut down my right to speak, or express my true feelings! later I realized, they were trying to protect their rich way of life, just as the rich family I tried to befriend when a child! Nothing changes! Why should I get mad when I try to tell my life story to murder's and then they attempt to murder me; what do I expect them to do!
Not everyone is safe to talk to; even if they have a title above their name that suggests social status or importance!
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So, Im starting to wake up! next, I began to piece together what happened in the family system I came from; they were a bunch of psychopaths and sociopaths of a horrible nature; predators; they wear nice clothing and acted the part in the community to appear normal!
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More research; my relatives, if thats what their called, all bad, sociopaths! and my mothers parents; same thing! not poor trash, but half way successful people in the eyes of others; but brutal sociopaths! or psychopaths! The sick kind; non human, monsters!
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And I began to wake up tot he school system I attend as a child; unfortunately, that was also a complete failure with no redeeming qualities! I had been lied to by the people I was growing up with; no one loved me or cared about my schooling! By the time I'm in second grade, things are starting to break down! signs of problems can be seen in nursery school and first grade; by the time Im in second grade, Im becoming officially dissociative! Later, I will be turned on by the school and used as a scape goat as a bad kid! or marked as a bad kid or trouble maker!
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Waking up! What about my brothers or sisters or cousins! When young, I thought my brothers would become professionals! Unfortunately, I did not know their plight; I did not know who they were; and I could never help them; all brothers want to love their brothers and help them; in this case, they were gone before I was born! In the end, I never really knew them, they were being destroyed by the time I was born, and they acted docile and strange; and when I was very young, they complained of being neglected and not being treated normally like other children; their father never taking them camping or fishing or hunting or anything; nothing, teaching them nothing! I never understood until the torture would fall in my lap; it would befall me! My brothers end up sociopaths of different natures; one brother, not a social path; something in between; but completely destroyed and never able to live up to any real potential; his identity was mangled to the point of living far below is abilities! My other brother never had a chance; he ended up a complete sadistic sociopath; but not a psychopath! he is a complete copy of his mothers personalty and fathers mixed; its a bizarre thing to be around him; it does not last long; my time with him; he is a predator and has and will take advantage of me as fast as anyone! I do not hate him but cannot and will not ever be around him ever again!
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For those who may not understand; once its discovered that your mother and father or sister and brother are sociopaths, its over; their is no relationships; they are complete strangers that are against the human race; they see people as prey, the way a lion sees a gazelle as prey! You must leave and never come back; for they do not remember the human condition and see you not as a member of their experience; you are no more then any other animal in the animal kingdom to them; you are prey that they can attempt to jump or eat! The sociopath seeks to gain power over others; its all they can feel; this excitement! They feel excitement through sex but not relationship; they do not feel love or compassion or remorse!
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So, their is no relationships with any brothers; for their never was any relationship with these people from the day I was born, but I did not know this! and now, they are thieves in many respects; but you would never know it; they look like everyone else!
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all money from any inheritances was stolen from them with no remorse or conscious! and they would continue to steal or take if they could get away with it; they see me as prey and nothing more! May the reader understand that these people were clothing like everyone else; they dont like look serial killers from the state penitentiary; they look and attempt to act like everyone else! they are married, some of them and appear to attempt to make it in life like everyone else; but they are not like everyone else, they are predators and monsters!
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May the reader understand; you cannot associate with a sociopath; cannot; they are un human! one must leave and never return! if they are sociopathic, they have feelings, they do not feel anything, love or remorse, nothing! they are not human; one must leave them; never return or they will destroy you; it is their nature!
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So, on with the show; Im slowly waking up!
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Im now at a point of bringing things from the past, from my broken childhood, back to life! things I loved that were taken away from me are starting to show up in my life; appear! I work with the energy of God; what people of my time period called Jesus Christ, who I love with all my heart; I think today, he is called source energy; and thats who and what I pray to and work with; the laws of attraction and the universe and source energy; and for me the name is Jesus Christ the son of God! The son of the living God!
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Anyway; Im waking up! and Im slowing working with God, and not turning to the memories of the people of the past, for their never was anything real! Meaningful any real family or neighborhood or family house or relatives or anything; schooling?; nothing, all dreams destroyed!
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Everything I learned, I learned from watching TV; everything I thought about or learned to interpret the world came from TV!
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I lost all my dreams! Everything I could have wanted to come true when older vanished before my eyes! Now, things are different; I have a God I work with in real time; source energy! and it is source energy that I talk to and work with and interact with and learn to trust!
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Trust; My my my!
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Trust is my number one issue with the world! I see the world as a disaster that destroys people! I see my own country killing me and turning on me! So, now, I slowly wake up and ask God for these original things I always wanted to do or become; and slowly they are coming about! and I turn to God and ask God not to hurt me! My attitude is; God is the energy of the universe, it hated me when I was young and allowed my murder! Now, Im suppose to re work a working relationship with God, the God of the universe! Something aint right here! So, I go to God to talk to God directly and find out for myself! and I am and have, and God is working with me! or, I'm working with God!
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I have a general understanding of my real past and what to let go of! theirs nothing to hang on to and Im accepting this; its horribly painful to let go of anything, but not that bad, not anymore! Im now focusing on my future with success based thinking and its working but it takes work to be positive and believe in myself and what I want and not let go of my desires no matter what! However, Im learning and being taught methods for such interests and its working! What did not learn from childhood, Im re learning now! Im lucky to be alive but the process of recovery has been as bad as chemo therapy for a cancer patient! years of lost endless recovery work with no life until lately! I now have signs of life! Im interacting with others again, and Im visualizing again about animate things of interest!
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Im still very dissociate and starting to regain things again in my life by way of a higher power! I dont do well on my own with immediate reality; touching things, intimacy! I have to work through God, dream of what I want and believe so badly that it shows up; the universe brings it to me!
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Positive is what I study now! Im learning or being coached on how to be successful and stay positive and the importance of it for my survival; that and being grateful!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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