I wont say my head is clearing; my mind is still broken just as before; same C-PTSD Dissociative disorder/Amnesia; But my Amnesia is much better but I earned it; the work; I mean; God did it but I had to put out a massive amount of effort for years and years and years; years of work for a little bit of amnesia to go away; results yearly... now its much better but still have a long way to go before Im in touch with who I really am; the amnesia is hiding me; where Ive been ruptured and damaged; where the real mind resides and hides and sleeps under the ruptured self and amnesia...
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So; the spiritual side of me is growing; development is happening; its like the child in me is open and getting enough love to slowly grow again; movement is happening; occurring.. I can feel the direction of the spiritual world leading down the energy river and Im being pulled that way. It doesn't feel normal because I was never going strait down my lane in the first place; I was crooked but didnt know it... I did not have my bearings... I was like a swimmer caught in a giant wave knocked to the bottom of the ocean sea floor. Dissoriented; I did not know which way was up... I slowly surfaced some how maybe; but then realized I was moving side ways most of the time and not upward. I think surfers have to see the direction of their bubbles to know which way is up; I guess I did the same thing with Gods guidance; I had to feel and spiritually understand the direction of the spirit, that it was moving upward while I was groveling on the ground on all fours making circles talking to people that were not their... Now; Im slowly ascending upward because ive let go and where ever the energy river takes me; I stay out of it; just floating upward...
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Im praying for courage on all things... I pray for courage to help the still suffering human being. I pray for courage to be under Gods care. I pray for courage to be under Gods direction. I pray for courage to be helpful to others. Im praying for courage to meet my wife. Im praying for courage to be prepared to meet my wife and work with the universe on this subject. The universe is only bringing me safe women of quality... I pray for the courage to do Gods will.... The universe is only bringing me safe people.
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I can remember more n more what I was like as a boy; its returning to me; everyday things... how I felt and acted...
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God is having me go back to the memories of my first love; my memories of her and rework everything. God originally sent me into her life to love and take care of her; nothing else was required of me or her... nothing else was required of her... I am suppose to recreate that relationship on paper; re write it so that it is successful with a happy ending.... I am to visualize it; visualize myself in every memory with her; I am walking up to her grabbing her hands gently and praying for her.... This is causing the split between myself and self to slowly mend... and many other wonderful things are happening because of it.
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God told me; I must first mend this broken relationship from the past; it must become perfect in our eyes because God sent me to that Girl to love her and the task must be completely too be right in the eyes of God; a completed task; because I didnt complete it the first time; I bailed and Im sorry for doing that.
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I am to work with this girl in my imagination until I can emote properly and tell her all that I feel completely; I will know when it is finished and I am complete and it is complete... I will know.
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Its attraction not promotion; as for women; I will work with God to better myself and the right women will be sent to me; I dont have to worry about looking for her. However, I mean this in a proactive knowledge sense. It takes work to do what Im doing; Im not suggesting Im staying in my apartment all day long and doing nothing and someone will come and knock on my door; its possible but have to earn it.... Im not God; I have to do the footwork. No; I have to learn how to earn what I want under God... I talk to God about this first. There was a time; all I could do was pray; and that was enough; people and women and things showed; However, Im a bit stronger these days and can do a little more; at least something outside my apartment in the real world. So; its attraction not promotion; I will become myself under God and see who shows up.... It may not be who I thought it was suppose to be or I would like it to be in my limited thinking; thus I wait upon God and curiously sees what new people show up... This means working with God to let go of the past and any false loves I created in my imagination; that they leave so the real thing can show up...
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Art work;
Ive taken it to the meetings so ive accomplished that. Now what? not sure yet; ill talk to God about it.
I am to write one song on guitar; sing it to the group; write the lyrics memorize them... and sing that song to the group. only once.
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