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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Beginning stage of waking up; I cant do anything

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Mar 10, 2021 5:38 pm

I am beginning to wake up to becoming myself... Im getting my childhood memories slowly back... Im getting the memories of my neighborhood slowly back. Im not completely present; derealization; like looking at things through a TV screen... The more I practice visualization in the first person POV; things are changing for me... thats not the only reason things are changing...
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So; Im coming back. I can feel my thinking starting to come back; problems; walking up to someone; this is coming back; seeing this; feeling this. This ability was taken from me;' I was like a robot and could not move; Agoraphobia... In a sense; Im busting through within my imagination what I would not walk up to. I was frightened out of functioning... of walking to and fro to anywhere. In my imagination; this is changing. Its starting to cross the define; the water; the lake; the bridge into the arms? how about the presence of others I want to meet, This is a life line that did not exist before as an adult; it was cut off from me when very young...

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So; this pathway has broken open within my imagination... completely; I mean; I can start on one side of the walking Bridge and end up on the other side. In the past; their was no theme park with a walking bridge to cross.. now; the bridge or what represents the bridge; has been created and Im now walking where I could not before...
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OK; So; Many things changing...
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One area; not changed yet; must work with God; Up close and personal with dissociative disorder; meaning; being confertable and confidence with others up close and personal... This has not happened yet; This must happen if Im to be out and about in the world. Im sure with enough practice in my imagination; but I dont know yet; that did not break through to me yet... Im working on things and we will see if and how and when that happens; it will happen because Im getting stronger; much stronger and remembering or starting to remember when I was independent; in fact its happing as I write; the memories are slowly waking up from a coma like situation. Amnesia is what it is; Dissociative Amnesia; its like the memories go to sleep and slowly drop out of sight and are silent and I am not allowed to see them; this is from trauma... all I sense is a light; is bright light in its place; this means; NO ENTERING; its a place of damage I am not allowed to enter; damage within the mind. I had no access to memories of me being happy and independent; that would have been to much for me. But right now; their starting to show up; things that have been covered since childhood... I guess Im becoming stable enough or my environment is stable enough for this part of self to start showing up.. Ill push it if I can... it will just take time; its a place of horror and fear and damage and I know ill be experiencing pain and sorrow and fear and terror from the flash backs of this... And things will continue to open up.... God is opening them up.
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So; Right now; Im coming to but cant do much else then what I did before...
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God wants me out of those meetings... God wants me back in the middle classes or regular people again... Boundaries are the problems. deception by others a problem.
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The memories that I hoped for are showing up are my memories of early childhood because I was in my house on C street And if I can own those memories again; that means I own me and Im back... So; we will see what happens...
The last thing I remember; I was on C street as a kid and then its lights out. And here I am now... The middle stuff doesn't count.
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Amnesia is the biggest problem. Im just now getting more memories of my beginning life; the ability to see it; to be allowed; just starting slowly slowly slowly.
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just got out of a meeting; talked about mental illness; the real problems; and how I dont want anyone else to know... So; Im learning how to let it out... never done this before like Im doing right now... Called my friend; the one I called yesterday about my new change; first time ive ever done this... this is twice in a row.. This is a bridge from my dissociative condition to ending up in the outside world; this is what Ive been working toward for a long while... And its absolutely been done. Its small. but its complete.... Im assuming this will grow; but I dont know anything more then that because its all new to me...
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I believe my social life will improve and open up... My physical ability to move and shake my life will encourage.... micro steps and I know when that will start; it starts in my head...
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Can I write songs again or for the first time perform them; Im closer than before; Its about bridging the gap back to reality; and being strong enough to handle reality and being healed up enough concerning the past; who's thoughts am I thinking. Who is in control of my thoughts; me; or someone from my past or critical thinking destroying me; who or what?
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Im noticing the music/performance gap... between where Im at and performing; doing something I like; This gap is the same as the relational gap I was working on; the one ive mentioned closing because Im healing. Im seeing the amnesia in this music gap; this drop off from the cliff into oblivion.. So; a grab resides and ill work with the universe on how to mend it? close it? until Im on the other side; Ill know when that completely happens; Ill know... boundaries; self love... Doing what I want to do in the real world... Dressing like I want to dress; acting like I want to act.
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I see myself creating a song on the piano and singing it. Ive never been that close to reality or strong enough in reality to do that. Sure; Ive talked about it 10000000 times; but never really could or wanted to or I would have. but I woundnt because I didnt want to; I just wanted to be in my cave left alone... Im closer then Ive ever been because the door in reality; moving through the door into reality is closer level than its ever been. Im arriving is whats happening. Im not their yet; it is an after bi-product of the work Im doing right now. Im slowly showing up and standing up for myself. Facing what I have to face... Im facing things right now; slowly; just allowing myself to wake up; Well; its happening anyway.
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Going back to the beginning;
Im in nursery school and Im seeing my future the way I want it to feel; my feelings are creating it; what I want it to look like. Unfortunately; what I dont know; it will always stay in my head; to many predators will try to stop me any way they can. I will finally loose my home and life... But the thoughts remain; but their was no human being to go to; no hlep; all thoughts in my head; I was to destroyed and broken.
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So; because of the work Im doing the bridge that is getting stronger; its already built at small levels; It needs to be bigger; because of the bridge that is getting built; Im slowly closer to the frequency of performing.. And this is something new; In order to perform; I have to be back in reality; at least to get started at it. In fact; I never called it performing; I called it song writing; but actually; its performing; because performing something and dazzling others or spinning out emotions for others and seeing their reaction was one of the goals and interests I had... The idea of that really turned me on.
I had no toleration for anything because I had no foundation and did not know how I would be myself and be able to be at a grounding level in society without that sick feeling of being thrown away...
So; God is doing for me what I cant do for myself. Ill be calling a friend of mine all week long just to check in; I dont know if he knows. But Ive called him 2 days in a row; Ill add another 5 days to it; make it week; its a strengthening sign of the bridge that brings me back to social; That is the bridge.
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What is the goal of all this work; A WIFE; and to become a performer again. Another distant goal; re study in school and become educationally what I was suppose to become. I dont have a clue how God will heal me. I have so much PTSD I dont feel safe looking at a book without freaking out from what could be behind me or above me or to the sides of me.... I never felt safe reading and working on anything and that I was going to be judged. Anyway; If God could make it safe for me. Ill talk to God about it... All I see are predators in the way; nothing more.. and I wont budge for them... I dont know what to do about them.... Ill talk to God... Dont know.
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So; As I get stronger; I get stronger; I dont know what it means in the real world. I mean; stranger relative to what; what will I really be able to do; nothing more then I do right now. I dont know. but a social gap is being bridged back to life; a real bridge and I dont know if a gap will exist their or not and Ive been working with the laws of attraction for 4 years on this... 7 years with the laws of attraction; 6 years 3 months. Started manifesting 5 years and 3 months ago... start working on social stuff 3-4 years ago. I realized after manifesting a few things; id have to change and Id have to love again and have a positive attitude; that is what God had to create for me. I had no idea how I was going to get social again; a huge mile long gap existed from where Im at to where I want to be. And right now; the first of a completed bridging of one area of the gap has occurred; well; its been bridged; so; That gap is closed... or closing.
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The next movement forward beyond this gap? Ill have to talk to God about this; its like ive crossed a very long giant river and Im now legally on the other side of the river on land; Now What? Technically Im not completely on the other side yet; but Im on the bridge and will be for a while slowly packing my things and bringing them over to the other side of the river onto the civilization on the other side.. Its like Im in a state park on the other side; Im looking around; now what? Ill work with God...
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Social skills up close;
This is not fixed; this is dissociative Disorder; im a little more confident; not much....not really; A collapse; so; their is another gap between me and people up close; Damn; this does not feel good or safe dealing with this area. Im already dissociating...
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As the frequency rises; Im seeing more in more of the past slip into place; im rising around it. Its not happened yet; just saying. .
Im still in great Pina.
This thing im aware of; Im just becoming aware of. Im just hitting its frequency; meaning; moving upward... Im peaking; peaking just above the fence level to look around; as if Im on a ladder looking above the fence to the outside neighborhood abroad. Im taking a look of whats out their... slowly; but if you remove the fence; I fall back down to my normal size... nothing has changed; Im just a bit more healed up and im not used to that and I didnt expect this to happen the way its happening... And its happening in quick jolts; very fast; like a lot of small jolts all at once creating a large paradigm shift... I guess. I am coming out on the other side more seasoned; stronger with a more hardened shell... a more watered elastic shell; moveable; stronger; like a deep thicker rubber amiable shell... movable elastic but as strong as steal that is protecting the inner me; its like a new added outer coating of several inches thick...
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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