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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
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I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
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Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
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A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
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The Gap
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Teenage years
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finding and painting rocks
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Expressing my feelings
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I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
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Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
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The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
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A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
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Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
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Trapped between 2 worlds
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Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
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Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
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Plans from the universe; they have cometh
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breaking things and coming together
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What am I thinking about
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That breaking point
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Needing my mothers permission
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And another day
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Im so right in the middle of the promises
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whats missing with music; live playing
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Women and John Denver
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Bulling
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art images coming back and other things; taking action
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I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
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Where am at right now.
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Becoming unlocked

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue May 31, 2016 1:25 am

So, a brand new experience! The unlocking of the dreams of the past of a 10 year old!

So, many things are happening! Officially, I came back to reality today; Officially; Memorial Day 2016! This is the official day I start the first day of my new recovery period; process! Im still beat to hell and half whip lashed to death from all this recovery work! but the walls are down in front of me and a brand new life awaits me!

First, Ive processed enough information from my childhood, the child in me is now smart or savvy! He seems to be a much smarter kid then when the original memories occurred! In the original memories, he is heartbroken and confused and destroyed! Now, when he relives these; he is much older child or young teen! Much smarter! When he relives memories of his father and being with his father in situations; he does not believe in him this time; he knows this is a monster and a potential serial rapist and a sociopath! Nor does he need his father or need to be in his fathers life; he does not buy it; the lies; or need it! So, when I relive memories of being at my fathers apartment when young! Im not innocent and ready to be slaughtered! Im wiser; much wiser! This time I replay the memories and walk out of them early before I can get sucked in; I put up my hands as of to say; " no way"! This is because the child in me is becoming smarter and more independent! He no longer believes! He knows these people are worthless and corrupted! And he will not allow them to play him! Instead, he leaves before he is humiliated or demoralized! Yet, when he leaves; he knows he's got me and the present and God!

I no longer believe in the concept of any part of the family system of that time; so Im not fooled this time when I retrace those painful memories! And they are horrible! But they do not effect me this time! I wont let them; they bounce off this time!

A 10 year old kid with no family and no place to go! Thrown away; and I go to my fathers; he's laying on the floor after taking a bath and cooling off! I remember just looking at him; he did not care what happened to me or where I lived or how I did in school, or developing me; my talents or anything else! I was scared to death; I just lost my home and my way of life! I was just their to entertain him for a few minutes and go back to a life destroyed! No conscious on his part! And I was just a child! It was a lawless calculated brutal act of aggression on his part; relational aggression to act like nothing was wrong!

Now; into the present! The same child goes back into these memories! Now, that child is super stronger; he is a bit older, a teen, and does not buy any of this that he did when 10 years old! And this is in my PTSD memories! He wont take any of the relational aggression as before, or the demoralization! He refuses and simply leaves! Most importantly he does not need my fake father or false mother or fake brothers or false friends as before! He does not need them or believe them; they are demonic; he knows what they are!

In my memories as I travel back! I am with caution when I remember something innocent with these people of this time period! I no longer believe in them or believe them! They were all liars! All of them!

I am not fooled anymore! No will I allow this type of demoralization to effect the better part of me at that time! meaning; I can move forward without these people at that time! I can develope at that time in other ways without them!

So, I am coming back to myself and not allowing these sharks to take advantage of me this time; in my memories! I can remember the memories; and slowly back up, and back out! Because the problem was; I did not know who I was dealing with! So, I don't have to be re destroyed by them ever again! This will take time!

The point is; Im going back in my memories as an independent me! I can walk away from anyone this time and not get hurt; I still have the middle class personality and identity I started with; this time, no one takes this from me! I simply continue on without them!

This opens things up for me! Now, because of the Laws of attraction and practicing of new visualizations and goals; I have new strong Goals I practice for each day! And a bonus! The 10 year old in me; his original goals are starting to wake up! So, Im being pulled past the limiting beliefs of the abuse and of this time period when I was shut down! Im starting to be pulled into the positive goals of that period! And therefor, Im starting to remember the independence of self; of that time! The hopes and independent dreams!

What does all this means! It means, most of the people of that time can go ###$ themselves! But I get to retain the middle class standing I had! Even tho I never developed it into adulthood! It's not to late; its part of my personality! And I get to develop it as if I came from a good solid background! And what cool about this! Its as if I'm 10 years old, and Im moving forward naturally in a good family; and now I move to 11 years old! Im starting to re attach self together at that age!

The reason Im having success is; Im in control of it, not the PTSD memories! Its as if I can walk away from the abuse now! Im now better then the abuse and different then the abusers brainwashed me to think! When the brainwashers and destroyers of your life are your own parents and best friend and family; you are completely in horror and confusion and shock! you don't know what to do! what did I do wrong! what happened! I did not know they were monsters! now I know!

I can see myself safe and secure at that age and moving forward as I originally planed!

So, I keep growing independently, and my mother and father are not needed for this part of the journey! Nor; were they ever needed for the last one!

Im, solidly moving forward without them at this time! No more cyber co-dependency! No more history co dependency!

It feels like no one owes me anything because I don't need them! Im developing in my present life thanks to God and all the new support I have! Ive got 2 feet, I can now do it myself as I did as a child before I was hurt!

My limiting circle of beliefs is becoming unlocked and my beliefs are expanding into new territory!

Its a beginning!

My young child days; I was developing my independence in many different areas! My family did not know; know one knew!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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