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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jun 27, 2019 10:47 pm

Im beginning to remember; I was a really nice decent normal very sensitive intelligent kid. And then I was destroyed completely and turned into a psychopath...
Im remembering moments of a much higher level individual. How do I ever get back to that. Im around people now that are deceptive. I dont do well with these people; they are liars; thats all they are.
So; the world I want to live in; I dont want these filth around me. They led me on and pull the rug out on me as fast as possible. They are deceptive liars. And I dont like being around people like this.
So; Im wondering what to do. Where Im suppose to be; who I am.
I was a nice kid turned into a psychopath........ Now Im coming back to being a normal person again; sorta. I cant explain what it was like to go through what ive been through. It was like being put into a nightmare movie; only; your shoved through the TV screen; and your now in the horror film; and your looking out at the world from inside the TV movie; but you cant escape; your then moved out of the scene into the next horror room; and your for-ever lost and destroyed. and never get to go back home.
Never again.
This type of abuse, destroyed my ability to do anything with my life; left me helpless and homeless.
So; Im slowly trying to get my life back. Its happening; Im so far beyond where I was as a little kid; I mean; safe in my own world; Even tho it was false and created by my fantasy bond; I thought I was independent and safe; in reality; I was in a half way decent neighborhood by luck; nothing more. And I was neglected; but that gave me the ability to freely roam. but it didnt last long. My future and dreams where destroyed by psychopaths. Im mad that a child doesn’t get a chance. no protection; nothing. \
So; Im attempting to come back to reality. I cant describe whats this is like; Im parallel with the past. All my triggering is going on at the same time as Im moved out into the real world again; I cant describe this; but this time; Im not the victim; Im stronger but still feeling the past victimization. Im slowly holding my own. Im standing up; Im OK. its not bad; I still have allot of learn on how to come back to reality.
Im not standing on my own 2 feet yet. Im getting closer. Im not all here yet. Im getting closer. its interesting; Im still traumatized. More and better realities; better healing. Im looking to heal more.
Whats hard is never having any parents; nothing; no development; Its hard to go back to those ages and relive it again; but Im writing new stories for my past; so; I will get to it; do more of it. It hurts; its unbelievable. Its all to much for me. all of this. What Ive been through is like a war. At least Im starting to see myself from my original house; and the other bad things I went through were just scenes I went through and in my imagination; I come back to my house; as if I was on a bad vacation. And came home and went from their.
When I was young; 10 on up; but I was payed with before this; starting at age 7. I would go against what they told me; the foster people; parents or who ever was playing that kind of part. I would be myself independently and thats when I would be ridiculed or attacked because I was creating independence for myself; they wouldn’t allow it because it made them look bad and they had no control over me; they did not want to help me; they wanted control over me. like I was a dog. They wanted to bash me in; slop me; they wanted to get rid of me; thats what they wanted. they didnt want me.
They tried to make me into a second class criminal; thats the best way to approach this. Im lucky I was never in prison as a psychopath.
the point is; every time I tried to express myself independently around these people; they tried to destroy me; putting me down; like I was a fool; bulling is the best word for it; but this was not like the bullies Id meet at school; they were more intense; sociopathic. if I didn't stay in my box; and this happened everywhere; I was put down; ridiculed over n over; like they could abuse me anyway they wanted; it was a power thing over me. And I was ridiculed and had it sent back to my face; to me as if it was my fault; as if I had done something wrong. As if they were in control. I was being trained as if they were commanders and I was a private in the army. what did exist; I was a human being being destroyed; thats what was really going on; openly destroyed, ridiculed and thrown away. My mind was being whipped and lacerated; every day; every minute. thats what was happening; in one form or another.
Im now starting, barely to deal with it; And that doesn’t count all the fake people that were using me at the time.
Im still being whipped and humiliated at times; right now; with a mental or emotional whip coming from some of the people I Associate with. So; Im starting to see the sadness of all this; the horror. Im still in shock that nothing is done to these monsters; all I can do is go away and never return to where I came from; and that is happening; its happening from moving into the future; Im actually lucky to heal and start getting over any of this. I have a long way to go. but I dont. I need to get over enough to stop the dissociation and bring into my life relationships, money, and activities that I enjoy doing; with the understanding that the past is gone and Im strong enough to stand on that. and its happening. Ive had allot of recovery training. its sad to me that I never had anyone when I was a child; nothing; no one; any friends; no friends; accept 2 brothers that lived to the south of me; they were cool. But anyone else; it was a joke and a lie; they knew this; their families knew this; I did not. I felt fine; satisfied being around those people; they were never happy about me being anywhere near them; they thought I was inferior from the first day I met them. I never knew.
From an abused persons point of view; Im rewriting scripts of my past life; completely rewriting them; Im finding some interesting results. First, what ever world opens up and changes then; from my writing; I can apply that to the present; so; if I imagine seeing myself asking for help in the past and getting lots of people involved in my early life; I can see myself asking for help now; getting lots of people involved in my present life; networking. This is very important concerning my dissociative condition.
So; I keep writing; Im looking for my independent thoughts; when I was young; I had cool independent thoughts of what I wanted to experiences in my future; unfortunately I was murdered; and it would never happen; sadly. Sadly is the word for it; its not fair; and Ill have to keep writing about it. Im still freaked out; enraged by it; the way someone is enraged who lost their entire family and their own life in a war.
Looking back at the beginning of my life; I was trying too hide from the beginning; thats all I remember; when I was really young remembering this stuff; it mattered not. meaning; I did not see it correctly; I saw myself as living free in solitude as a child; but in reality; I was not just out playing; I was fare away from everything. From everyone.
I remember the people ; but in no memories am I talking to anyone; I do not remember my brothers. I remember seeing my father from a distance in several memories; but nothing else. I remember being in my mother and fathers bed room; but they are not interacting with me.
I remember being in the closet.
i remember being in the front room while my mother is vacuuming; but she is nothing saying anything to me; or interacting with me; I remember looking out the front door to the street and the grassy lawn. I remember playing by the fence; fare away from everyone. I remember going across the bridge by the house; the street bridge that crosses the creak. and my mother verbally assaulting me over n over; like a psychopath. And I remember ignoring her because I was use to it; that was at the age of 3 1/2.
So; Im a work in progress; I have a mass of PTSD and problems because of it; as I trigger my past; I see my past house; Im on the street looking at the house as a child. Im their; the problem is; I want to go home; but can never do that again. The psychopath that took my home has no conscious. meaning; sold the home; did not care about me or that I lived their or grew up their; no cared what happened to me; they dont care; surroundings mean nothing to them; my survival meant nothing to them; my future meant nothing to them because they are not thinking about anything else but their own ambitions; nothing more; completely monsters/predators.
So; here I am trying to work with God the universe to clear this up and start over; I still have resentments and scares; One area of concern is meeting new bad people and expecting them to get inline with me; the problem is; they are arrogant and stupid; and I cant expect anything from fools; in fact; the Bible talks about fools; they are truly the most dangerous creatures on planet earth. .
My goal is relationships and art. I have allot of triggering and flashbacks and PTSD when I talk about relationships; its all bad and horror. So, this does not help, when Im suggesting I get involved with a women. iTs all very bad stuff; the past. Im not sure who I will date; I dont know who has a back ground like mine. I had to take a tremendous amount of abuse without fighting back; if I faught back I would have destroyed what ever I was surviving on.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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