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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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AVPD

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Feb 24, 2016 1:39 pm

AVPD; The rest of the world does not understand!

What do people see when they see you; what do they want from you!

There nice to you; they want to help you; because deep down they're expecting their fantasy to be fulfilled!

At some point, they want pay back! When they don't get it! And I don't serve them; they get angry!

The world does not see my AVPD struggle! I see it! And others can see something is wrong or "somth'ns up!" but they don't care! They go to a certain point and stop carrying; or possibly, never cared in the first place!

My biggest issue is; Im always alone! I get allocated back to the bottom of the barrel in life and around people! I get used by them! Im not accepted!

Who is using me? Those who have little or no conscious! For some strange reason, I think I can walk into a room full of people and use everyone or expect them to love me and take care of me! But when they don't, I get mad! They turn on me with venom! And I wondered what happened! I get ostracized back to a position of low guy on the outside of the tote pole!

I want a bunch of mothers around me to bring me up and take care of me! they had other plans! they thought I was going to sweep them off their feet and be charming and concentrate on them the whole time; I was not! I thought I was under Gods care and he had brought me these people to take care of me! They did not!

Im not sure who is wrong, me or them! I must learn to take it to God and leave them out of it! this is the big lesson! basically, Im alone! they don't need me or have to have value for me!

Women;
As for women I'm attracted to; I don't know what to do with them if they are from scattered backgrounds! Id like to fool around with them! yet, so many warning signals that they are not safe!

I can see numerous women turning on me and saying I was trying to use them because they don't get what they want! Possibly, its time to ask God for better women around me!

Im not suggesting the women around me are technically bad women; Im suggesting they've been hart! and no matter what angle I take with them; they will be hurt again with me if Im around them! I need recovery and I need people that want to help me with that recovery! this includes women to play subordinate rolls to help me! sorry! what can I say! its what I need! and I really need it!

deep conversations with women; thats what I need; so I can work through my stuff of my past! I need to be taken care of by a mom! a mom I never had!

When women finally find out Im using them like a mom! they go ballistic on me and start screaming and shooting venom on me! They call me all kinds of bad names! they tell me Im a weakling and should go talk to my guy friends about this stuff!

The women want to be charmed and have stuff bought for them and be chased! and then talk about them the whole time! Im sorry! Im in recovery! thats not what Im going to talk about with recovery people! These women don't care if I recover! so, Im not sure what to do or thing! I thought they were on my side! they were manipulating me!

In the box; many people, will not help you get out of the box; they try to pull you back in! Im strong enough to walk away from the box; but then what!

Im trying to steal energy from the group, so I can be propelled to the next destination away from here! they wont put me in a position of prince and allow their prince his rightful position among the stars!

I coward out on the last girl I loved! I wonder if Im going to do this again!

I spend most of my time wanting love! but not know where to get it! the world is a closed of place! a baron land!

Ive been told to start thinking and dreaming of what I want, and dream as if I already have it and feel it before Its here! so, I will go with that!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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