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OMNICELL
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AVPD and beyond

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:04 am

I wish people would act the way I need them to act. I wish I did not have to deal with social walls and defenses. I end up not trusting anyone.. I cant or wont get near anyone.. Possibly, this is a sign to stay away from people that are not developed as human beings. Im having a horrible time trusting people. My PTSD is getting triggered... and the AVPD is getting triggered.

I have a hard time with the people in the outside world. I wish people would accept me the way I am. Im trying to learn to accept them. Many people have behavioral problems..

I am bashful: Especially around women I like. ITs very hard to talk to them. They are so beautiful and enchanting... I melt and freeze. I have to over come this or " no girlfriends" its as simple as that. Ive written allot about AVPD problems. The answer is: Step back and take a break until you realize there is no answer. Take God with you when you approach people. Do not approach others to take. Approach others to give..
I like people from a distance. I don't like them close up, they manipulate. I get disappointed in people. Lots of people are shallow minded. I need to stay away form them.


Meeting:

In a meeting, I will mistakenly think a women is talking about me. I think her sharing about a struggle to get close to someone is about me; in reality she was talking about a struggle to get close to someone other then me. Although I fantasize that she likes me. she doesn't even know my name. Am I suppose to walk up to her and talk to her. Possibly I could try..

When dealing with women: one must approach them to find out what happens.. If you have AVPD and PTSD problems, its almost impossible to approach people, Im concerned how they look at me and act seriously upon my opinion of it. Its not possible to tell the women about these AVPD conditions/ maybe it is!. One has to fake it until they make it. That is where Im heading. Bitching about the problem is fine. However, at some point one has to take the chances and talk to her...

Reestablishing myself within the human experience is not easy. It brings up past pain and many other traumatic issues..

I know of a women that likes me. I like her. I cant get near her. The AVPD will not allow it. Im so confused. I defend up, and its over. The women is not helping the matter, her defenses stay up against me. I finally give up and go away.. Im finally giving up and going away. Ive had enough of this. I don't understand.

I pray to find better people to associate with or take an interest in. Better means, more refined understandings of social behaviors. Im no picnic at it myself. That is why I need the help.

Im not confident enough to joke.. Well, that is not true. Im learning when people come up to me. Im trying to deal with Dissociative disorder, Im at the point of people getting close to me. Very soft and quick encounters.. I can take nothing else.

Im in no position to bust through someone else's defenses. I wish the girls that like me that are wishing to be swept off there feet would go away... Why cant I sit and have a decent conversation and laugh at all of this calamity instead. I could sweep them off there feet, take them to the coffee shop and then laugh with them about all this calamity. It sounds good on paper, why is it so hard in life.

I find the girls that like me the hardest to deal with as I make mistakes and its hard to get there trust back. They look at me as a flake. I then question why Im being looked at as a fake, on the take, Im just contemplating how to get that date not the hate.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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