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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/at_the_lake_and_the_next_morning_b-6918_sid-f8ae9b4dd023de4cd54b836d9ff65059.html

Author:  OMNICELL [ Wed May 14, 2014 5:29 pm ]
Blog Subject:  At the lake and the next morning

First; as of tonight; Im working hard to interact with other people! Its slow and gruesome, but the job is being done. Im close to being able to walk up and start a conversation on my own! Im not fully present, but its a start!

And its a start of independence! This is important.

But dealing with people is hard. Im rarely around those that take me for what Im worth; I get played. They don't know who they are talking to! Its all about them! I am taken for granted! Im under appreciated and not understood! it sucks!

Im not at the point of taking control of the situation! Im not present enough!

When dealing with others, Im finding I cannot be self absorbed or they are left out... secondly, how do I explain Im on a disability for anxiety And DD! when they see me on my mountain bike with nice free ride clothing! They do not understand the hidden world of long term PTSD! and other problems. They certainly don't understand the social security system! You can't just " get on and get of" the system! once you've been found to be disabled, you have to learn to get in or out! and live with the results. The best I can expect money wize in this life; she likes me around so much Im a keeper for her! and is willing to put up with the money hardship! Its possible; thanks to the lunatic weirdo guys that make me look better then what I am; Lunatic guys that abuses and neglect women make the rest of us look like a good catch or pic!

Im looking forward to having more confidence around women! This happens with practice! This happens with continual study!

It takes practice!

The meetings I attend have saved my life! the people at the meetings are not safe! you never know what your going to get! its a mixed bag! And some sub social clicks within the groups are ruthless and pathological!

Confidence;

People are the goal; women specifically, its about not being alone! ITs about human connection! staying connected. learning to connect again!

Im going to the lake again! I asked this girl, this morning. ITs still hard to face things,, face people!

I have to tell this girl Im only interested in being friends... This is all new to me!

only a few years ago, I was still locked up in self, and locked in my rooms! rooms of my mind!

With my studying, Im starting to get a better picture of women! That I can reconnect again!

The idea is; reconnect into the middle! Im coming from isolation into the middle! That means facing the past!

The past is gone when I start moving forward.. Im starting to inner connect! its slow, and its extremely hard! and extremely hazardess! its extremely difficult!
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Confidence is a strange strange thing! its like floating on water!

I have to work my way into a new way of thinking; No fear! or deal with the fear! The fear comes from many angles;

1. Not feeling good about myself!
2. Feeling sorry for myself
3. Feeling that Im no good
4. feeling that Im worthless
5. Not understanding how to feel good about myself in close proximity with others!
6. not knowing how to communicate with other how Im really feeling! and this is next on the agenda!
7. freezing in freight when I'm around someone I like! much like with my parents before they abandon me!

8. Learning slowly; this is not PTSD land, this is the real world and I have some freedoms that I did not have before!
9. Facing the possible fears that do not exist!
10. facing relationships and rejections.
11. facing rejections; I think she likes me! I find out she has a boy friend or a husband! How do I deal with this! the child in me crumbles; the child in me is in PTSD land! I can't help but bring the child out, and the child gets slaughtererd. I still live in a dream land! Im attempting to reconnect by way of chances!

I am reporting the chance taking Im willing to work through! and I need an audience; its a healthy thing to need; its a sign of social health! and I'm trying to get healthy by working my stuff out online with a group of viewers

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