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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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At the lake and the next morning

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 14, 2014 5:29 pm

First; as of tonight; Im working hard to interact with other people! Its slow and gruesome, but the job is being done. Im close to being able to walk up and start a conversation on my own! Im not fully present, but its a start!

And its a start of independence! This is important.

But dealing with people is hard. Im rarely around those that take me for what Im worth; I get played. They don't know who they are talking to! Its all about them! I am taken for granted! Im under appreciated and not understood! it sucks!

Im not at the point of taking control of the situation! Im not present enough!

When dealing with others, Im finding I cannot be self absorbed or they are left out... secondly, how do I explain Im on a disability for anxiety And DD! when they see me on my mountain bike with nice free ride clothing! They do not understand the hidden world of long term PTSD! and other problems. They certainly don't understand the social security system! You can't just " get on and get of" the system! once you've been found to be disabled, you have to learn to get in or out! and live with the results. The best I can expect money wize in this life; she likes me around so much Im a keeper for her! and is willing to put up with the money hardship! Its possible; thanks to the lunatic weirdo guys that make me look better then what I am; Lunatic guys that abuses and neglect women make the rest of us look like a good catch or pic!

Im looking forward to having more confidence around women! This happens with practice! This happens with continual study!

It takes practice!

The meetings I attend have saved my life! the people at the meetings are not safe! you never know what your going to get! its a mixed bag! And some sub social clicks within the groups are ruthless and pathological!

Confidence;

People are the goal; women specifically, its about not being alone! ITs about human connection! staying connected. learning to connect again!

Im going to the lake again! I asked this girl, this morning. ITs still hard to face things,, face people!

I have to tell this girl Im only interested in being friends... This is all new to me!

only a few years ago, I was still locked up in self, and locked in my rooms! rooms of my mind!

With my studying, Im starting to get a better picture of women! That I can reconnect again!

The idea is; reconnect into the middle! Im coming from isolation into the middle! That means facing the past!

The past is gone when I start moving forward.. Im starting to inner connect! its slow, and its extremely hard! and extremely hazardess! its extremely difficult!
-----------------------

Confidence is a strange strange thing! its like floating on water!

I have to work my way into a new way of thinking; No fear! or deal with the fear! The fear comes from many angles;

1. Not feeling good about myself!
2. Feeling sorry for myself
3. Feeling that Im no good
4. feeling that Im worthless
5. Not understanding how to feel good about myself in close proximity with others!
6. not knowing how to communicate with other how Im really feeling! and this is next on the agenda!
7. freezing in freight when I'm around someone I like! much like with my parents before they abandon me!

8. Learning slowly; this is not PTSD land, this is the real world and I have some freedoms that I did not have before!
9. Facing the possible fears that do not exist!
10. facing relationships and rejections.
11. facing rejections; I think she likes me! I find out she has a boy friend or a husband! How do I deal with this! the child in me crumbles; the child in me is in PTSD land! I can't help but bring the child out, and the child gets slaughtererd. I still live in a dream land! Im attempting to reconnect by way of chances!

I am reporting the chance taking Im willing to work through! and I need an audience; its a healthy thing to need; its a sign of social health! and I'm trying to get healthy by working my stuff out online with a group of viewers

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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