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Consumer 6
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Art and dealing with the past!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 16, 2017 7:44 pm

Im alive; what happened to me is unbelievable; but it happened, and things happen to innocent people! and it happened to me; its never suppose to happen! but it happened! and it happened to me! Im sorry it happened! but it happened to me! Im slowly facing it and dealing with it! and thats the best I can do! Im working on it! what else can I do! Im OK; I have to keep working on it! thats the best I can do!
I was dropped off from a normal way of life! I ended up with a normal way of life because of neglect! I had hope and dreams and spent most of my time around others; not people from my original family system! In reality, they never saw to much of me! I didn't realize how much they never saw me when young; so, I was a complete stranger they knew nothing about! I did not realize this! I realize it now! So, their neglect allowed me; at an early age, to roam; and I roamed and learned an developed!
I was pulled out of this normal life simply because I depended on these people; family people for my housing, food, clothing! If they pull the house out from underneath me; Im gone; nothing I can do! but I didn't know they were the type to do this to children; until it was 2 late! I realized what they were when I was about 8 1/2; by then it was 2 late! I went into shock! within a year later, it got much worse, finally the house was sold out from under me and I given away to who ever legally I wad suppose to go to; no one wanted me because I was baggage from their previous marriage, so I was shipped off to relatives! If my mother had it her way, I would have been give to the state and gotten rid of at a much earlier age; 2 or 3! But my mother didn't know she was not going to inherit money from my fathers bigger family system; she didn't know this at the time; at the time I was small; she was playing the game; she went along with things with the understanding she would be making it into bigger money; that is why i was born; to appease my father! she is a psychopath and does not care about children or any other living thing or man kind! I heard she was mad that I was not a girl; but that does not matter to a psychopaths! they don't really care bout anything; they are sadistic and have no human conscious! The point is; Ive built a life, a growing life outside this family system; I've built it through dreams created by watching TV and by applying what Ive learned from TV out into the neighborhood I lived in at the time!
age 9
Suddenly, Im destroyed! my mother and father are monsters; sociopath/psychopath!, they are divorced, new people are brought into the house, Im in shock, my mother sells the house; and thats that ! she moves away to the coast without her children! She doesn't care, feels nothing! My Grandmother screams and screams and screams at her continuously, because she has abandon her children! Every time my mother calls my Grandmother she attempt to act like nothing is wrong! My Grandmother screams at her concerning her children; she has abandon them completely! and this will go on for several years!
The point is; Im pulled out of my way of life brutally, almost psychologically and sociologically and geographically raped out of it! Im located in a new place; new life I did not want or ask for! and had no idea I was going to be derailed form my first life! its like being removed from your own country because of a war!
Im alone, my schooling is destroyed! The point is; I was completely destroyed!
I want to make it clear to the reader that Im getting better! Im slowly learning how to deal with that time period! Im still alive and learning how to process this time period; a complete miracle, but I have allot to do with that miracle! IT didn't just happen! but it did just happen! God creates miracles!
So, its working now! Its working to write and speak and draw and process these feelings and memories! its working! I was closed off before behind massive protective walls; now its better and its working! its slow, but working! and baby; its slow! slow recovery in this area of life! or living! Things are getting brighter as I wake up!
The point is; Ive mad a break through; Ive hit the bottom of this situation of this age period; its bottomed out; meaning, I have to process stuff! its like cleaning the bowl of mud; its stuck and thick and hardened; but Ive taken a spoon to it, ripped it up, carved the hard pieces off the inner part of the bowl; now I got to go in and clean it up! slowly keep digging it out! but most of it is dug up, its like open dirt in a bowl; it has to be cleared now! thats a start! Im getting better, my mind is less dissociative! well; I want say that; its been trained for many years to black out or blank out! but the areas of ages 9 to 13 or 14 are opening up! and thats what counts! I haven't killed myself over it! and many will and many have killed themselves over the same thing!
I still have much work to do; but I wanted to re connector back to society and I cant do that I've Im sick! meaning, the years of my development are in a state of dissociation! I need those years !
Art work plays a major growing area in my recovery! When Im disabled from PTSD, no art! when Im doing better and more present; the art starts up! when Im in a roam of feeling success and bright future, and free and independent from the past and in control of my life; the art work flourishes with wonderful ideas! And when I feel safe making art in the present; real possibilities can happen for me!
Art is an indication of where my mental illness effects me! how much its effecting me; how far gone my mind is at any given moment! its a barometer of feedback!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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